I fell asleep before I got yesterday's blog out and it was interesting thought that I feel I must muse and remember out loud.
The eating for Monday and Tuesday has had very little victory and if you can have food hangovers than I have had two back to back. This eating real food has got me climbing the walls with anxiety. I am excited but chewing nails (like starting a new school or a job kind of anxiety). Where you are so excited about the possibilities but queasy in the stomach because you just don't know if everything will be okay. (99 % everything will be okay 99 % of the time but that 1 % can take over your whole being and just make one unfunctionable). As I prepare to truly examine what I eat I feel like I am cramming my guilty pleasures for one last hurrah! (Although my challenge is for only ten days and most of this food I haven't eaten in weeks or even months!) But Monday I stopped off for the fried fish sandwich and cheeseburger. Of course it wasn't the flavors I have been craving which I have made heavenly in my thoughts. It tasted like old grease with two much "sauce". Then for dinner I stuffed my face with pizza (no thin crust here!) And then Tuesday bring on the Chinese delivery (fifty percent fried and 100% sauced). Have I lost my mind? And both mornings after I have been not feeling great, Gee, I can't imagine why? When you put gunk in the tank you are going to feel like junk. So no food victories here but I feel optimistic about the next ten days.
So onto the band moment. I was working out with the Wii. Remember me mentioning that in three days I gained 7 1/2 pounds according to the Wii Fit (or maybe I didn't mention it, so of a bummer.) Well in a day it told me I lost 11.9 pounds. Yeah baby! (Again not the most reliable tool - but losing close to twelve pounds according the scale vs gaining almost eight - Feels way cooler!) And in my upbeat mood (Again I know not to put all my eggs in this basket but its like your best friend soothing you with what you want to hear but might not be the most accurate.) I felt gung ho and went for the Rhythm Parade. I sorely lack rhythm but felt so confident I moved off Beginner and went for Advanced. Bring on the band I am ready to lead my charge. And one, two, left, right, slap slap blip blip. And as I am watching my icon on the screen I was brought back to when I was fourteen. I played the flute in band. I was okay and was fine with that. No big dreams to play in an orchestra, just another thing to do while I was in school. However why did I go back to that specific year in my life in band (I played for seven years)? Because every year our band would march in a local parade. It was exciting to finally be in high school and get to march in the Potato Bowl Parade. It was a rite of passage. But wait, there is a glitch. I didn't fit in the uniform. Or more accurately one that was available. (There were some big guys in the band who were seniors and had first chance at the "bigger" uniforms.) I am fourteen and not allowed to march because I was too fat. How humiliating! Oh there was no way when this was happening I would admit the truth. My band direction came up with a solution though and that was to have me hold the banner and march at the front of the parade. Great! Just Great! Put the pretty girls in their leotards and little skirts for flags and pom poms right behind me and my big ol' butt. Can't wait! So I put on my jeans, borrowed a letterman's jacket (because I am fourteen and my tushie imagine this had not lettered!) And marched like it wasn't weird for a freshman to hold the banner. I don't remember the lies I spun (too many flutes? wanted a younger and older person representing the band? I've got such a killer smile?) Anything but the truth at all costs! I remember vowing to myself by the following year or two I would be wearing that pretty girl outfit. So much time I spent vowing my revenge on the world by getting skinny (not healthy because that tends to be an older concern) but in the teenage world it is looks. I like to think I am not that self conscious fourteen year old. But I still pretend that my sweater can hide an extra pound or two (or honestly more like a hundred pounds :) And though my focus is health and the thought of boundfuls of energy. But yeah there is still a teenage girl inside me who wants to go shopping and not worry if I can find ANYTHING that fits but actually buy something because it looks pretty and makes me feel sexy. I never did reach my revenge look in high school (I swung between 190 pounds to 255 pounds throughout the entire four years). Besides the occasional "sad" / embarassing moment (uniforms and costumes were always an awkward event) I didn't worry too much about my weight. It just was. And now I know I do have control (or more like that I should have control and say in my choices that affect both my health and my weight.)
So I marched proudly on my Wii Fit because I am no longer that teenager who's like "whatever" but an adult who is marching off some true baggage - 16.5 pounds in six weeks, but also some of the emotional baggage that has been hanging around way too long creating too much havoc.
May your healthfull journey be full of good-byes to the moments that caused pain and hellos to an energetic uplifting future. ' Til we meet again. . .
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