Making Music

Out of all the Resolutions I made this year for 2012 I figured being creative would be the easiest because it would be the most fun.  I love tapping into my creative side.  It is actually the hardest to claim time.  Creative fun is great.  It speaks to my heart.  My creative endeavors used to be the activities I devoted the most time to : choir, band (flute), piano lessons, theatre (it was my college major!!!), speech, and the writing and sketching I used to do on the side.  But that was pre-adult responsibilities.  That was before Mrs. Mommy, before bills, before jobs, before life challenges.  It was a time where my biggest responsibility was to just be me and have fun and find out who I am.  Well I still am finding out who I am but the world keeps knocking at my door.  And sadly, I still keep answering. 

Another resolution I am working towards is a more organized life.  So as I worked on this goal I actually worked on the creativity resolution instead.  Life sure is funny sometimes!  One of those nagging ideas got into my head that I should give away my flute.  I had a perfect person in mind who probably could find a good home or at least a good use for an instrument that has been boxed up and hidden away for years.  I pulled out my flute to see what kind of condition it appeared to be.  I assembled the three pieces like I did many times.  It was almost a challenge to see if I still "knew" how to play and I even doubted that I would be able to recall notes.  So as my sweet son enjoyed his morning snack I played songs from the Lion King.  Sometimes stopping to sing because I just can't resist.  But surprise surprise I actually remembered how to play this instrument that I played day after day for almost eight years (well maybe not day after day - but I did claim to practice that often :) .  Shocking I know! 

As my son applauded my performance I reawakened to the joy of making music or creating art.  It fires your senses and pumps the blood through your veins just a little harder and a little faster.  Your breath increases in anticipation and then holds for the big ta-da - what would be the final product?  Oh how I have missed that purpose! That drive! That passion!  That moment where you feel you are leaving your heart wide open to whoever has time to share in the results.  The hope that somehow all your efforts will mean something to someone.  And feeling this with a couple puffs on my flute I realized I just wasn't ready to give that up quite yet. 

Before I put away my flute (hopefully for not as long as the last time) I allowed Drew a chance to "play".  He wasn't for the flute to be a flute as much as a clarinet and of course the all time favorite drums! (You can see for yourself in the pictures.)  I shared with my mom the story of how he played the flute.  She chuckled and responded with "I never imagined when we purchased that flute (twenty years ago! Crazy!!!) that your son would be playing it."

But that's life isn't it? We don't know what the ending will be.  We rarely know what's around the corner.  But we can dream.  We can work towards our dreams and enjoy the ride.  It is so important to remember that yes we have responsibilitie in life.  But we also have to remember to play, to dream, to live, to let go, and sometimes that means we need to make music. 

May your HealthFULL Journey include many rests to play, to create, to laugh, to dream, to be, and to make music whenever possible. 'Til we meet again. . .

And the band plays on. . .

I fell asleep before I got yesterday's blog out and it was interesting thought that I feel I must muse and remember out loud. 

The eating for Monday and Tuesday has had very little victory and if you can have food hangovers than I have had two back to back.  This eating real food has got me climbing the walls with anxiety.  I am excited but chewing nails (like starting a new school or a job kind of anxiety).  Where you are so excited about the possibilities but queasy in the stomach because you just don't know if everything will be okay.  (99 % everything will be okay 99 % of the time but that 1 % can take over your whole being and just make one unfunctionable).  As I prepare to truly examine what I eat I feel like I am cramming my guilty pleasures for one last hurrah!  (Although my challenge is for only ten days and most of this food I haven't eaten in weeks or even months!) But Monday I stopped off for the fried fish sandwich and cheeseburger.  Of course it wasn't the flavors I have been craving which I have made heavenly in my thoughts.  It tasted like old grease with two much "sauce".  Then for dinner I stuffed my face with pizza (no thin crust here!) And then Tuesday bring on the Chinese delivery (fifty percent fried and 100% sauced).  Have I lost my mind?  And both mornings after I have been not feeling great, Gee, I can't imagine why?  When you put gunk in the tank you are going to feel like junk.  So no food victories here but I feel optimistic about the next ten days.

So onto the band moment.  I was working out with the Wii.  Remember me mentioning that in three days I gained 7 1/2 pounds according to the Wii Fit (or maybe I didn't mention it, so of a bummer.) Well in a day it told me I lost 11.9 pounds.  Yeah baby!  (Again not the most reliable tool - but losing close to twelve pounds according the scale vs gaining almost eight - Feels way cooler!)  And in my upbeat mood (Again I know not to put all my eggs in this basket but its like your best friend soothing you with what you want to hear but might not be the most accurate.)  I felt gung ho and went for the Rhythm Parade.  I sorely lack rhythm but felt so confident I moved off Beginner and went for Advanced.  Bring on the band I am ready to lead my charge.  And one, two, left, right, slap slap blip blip.  And as I am watching my icon on the screen I was brought back to when I was fourteen.  I played the flute in band.  I was okay and was fine with that.   No big dreams to play in an orchestra, just another thing to do while I was in school.  However why did I go back to that specific year in my life in band (I played for seven years)?  Because every year our band would march in a local parade.  It was exciting to finally be in high school and get to march in the Potato Bowl Parade.  It was a rite of passage.  But wait, there is a glitch.  I didn't fit in the uniform.  Or more accurately one that was available.  (There were some big guys in the band who were seniors and had first chance at the "bigger" uniforms.) I am fourteen and not allowed to march because I was too fat.  How humiliating!  Oh there was no way when this was happening I would admit the truth.  My band direction came up with a solution though and that was to have me hold the banner and march at the front of the parade.  Great! Just Great!  Put the pretty girls in their leotards and little skirts for flags and pom poms right behind me and my big ol' butt.  Can't wait!  So I put on my jeans, borrowed a letterman's jacket (because I am fourteen and my tushie imagine this had not lettered!)  And marched like it wasn't weird for a freshman to hold the banner.  I don't remember the lies I spun (too many flutes? wanted a younger and older person representing the band? I've got such a killer smile?)  Anything but the truth at all costs!  I remember vowing to myself by the following year or two I would be wearing that pretty girl outfit.  So much time I spent vowing my revenge on the world by getting skinny (not healthy because that tends to be an older concern) but in the teenage world it is looks.  I like to think I am not that self conscious fourteen year old.  But I still pretend that my sweater can hide an extra pound or two (or honestly more like a hundred pounds :)  And though my focus is health and the thought of boundfuls of energy.  But yeah there is still a teenage girl inside me who wants to go shopping and not worry if I can find ANYTHING that fits but actually buy something because it looks pretty and makes me feel sexy.  I never did reach my revenge look in high school (I swung between 190 pounds to 255 pounds throughout the entire four years).  Besides the occasional "sad" / embarassing moment (uniforms and costumes were always an awkward event) I didn't worry too much about my weight.  It just was.  And now I know I do have control (or more like that I should have control and say in my choices that affect both my health and my weight.)

So I marched proudly on my Wii Fit because I am no longer that teenager who's like "whatever" but an adult who is marching off some true baggage - 16.5 pounds in six weeks, but also some of the emotional baggage that has been hanging around way too long creating too much havoc.

May your healthfull journey be full of good-byes to the moments that caused pain and hellos to an energetic uplifting future. ' Til we meet again. . .