Beginning to look like Christmas :)

Christmas 2010 - When our li'l one was still li'l :)

Look, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel," which means, "God is with us." --Matthew 1:23

I love that name - "Emmanuel".  That God chose to truly walk among us.  He could have remained on His throne and let us tough it out.  He could have came as an all powerful King but he didn't.  He chose His son to be born a baby.  He chose to show us he cared and would walk with us every step of the way. 

Maybe this is why Christmas is such a precious holiday.  Because babies remind us that life is fragile.  That as humans we truly need relationships - connections to other human beings to survive right from the start.  The commercial push is to start Christmas the instant we wash our Thanksgiving dishes (and certain stores stockpile their Christmas merchandise directly next to their Halloween decor).  I have to admit I to start the Christmas holiday the day after Thanksgiving.  But this is more due to the influence of my family than the stores. 

My family loves Christmas!  We embrace the seriousness, the beauty, the magic, the cheesy factor - oh we embraced it all!!!  The day after Thanksgiving was the haul out the decorations and start what would be most likely a week long project.  There was not a room untouched, or a corner unadorned.  We used to put up at least eight Christmas trees (obviously artificial of all different sizes - but ALL were decorated).   There would be Christmas Carols pouring out of the stereo (but this tradition started in August and would run into February - I may not be able to name a single current recording artist but I can name most Christmas Carols within five notes ;)   You can see the outpour of love for this holiday continued to my brother's household who somehow found a lady who loved Christmas as much as he did.  And my brother takes it a step further not only does he cover every inch of the inside of his house but Clark Griswold eat your heart out on the outside decorations which usually has at least one new purchase  to drive the holiday spirit home.  I've shared I loved this holiday so much it was my wedding theme and I was married in July :) 

Christmas to me obviously is the celebration of my Saviour's birth.  That God chose to truly live among us when He didn't have to but wanted to show His love in a way we could appreciate.  We know He can truly understand our temptations, our triumphs, our challenges because he lived them without sin. Wow! 

Now we all get caught in the drama, the details, the hoopla of the Season but there are so many blessings mixed into the commercial monster of it.  Greeting Cards are a wonderful way to remind people - we care, we think of you, and we wish you the best.  Although I am sure we will not be the only family that takes twenty family shots to pick the one that captures our best group look :)  Gifts are a way to express love in that tangible way some of us need.  That a gift touches upon our thoughts - you are listening, you do know me, and above all you value me.  Money is tight and we get consumed by the advertising and the call to spend and forget it TRULY is the thought that counts.  We go overboard on decorating, shopping, baking, visiting, and all the doing and sometimes forget the being present, forgetting: to listen, to sit still, to hope, to wonder, to wish, to share, or to just be. 

I'm fighting that this weekend I would love to be further on my to - do list with the decorations up, the smell of baking wafting the house, and the Christmas Cards addressed and ready for pick-up.  I am nowhere close to my ideal version of this weekend.  My li'l one is sick, that crazy cold it sounds like so many have.  One minute he seems perfectly toddler healthy, running and giggling, and the next moment cuddling with mommy while wearing new pajamas because the coughing was so harsh that a bath was required :(   So as I reach for a project to begin I hear the coughs and slowly push away the to-do list.  Because if the magic of the holiday is to be available, inviting, and full of wonder then I have to let go of the shoulds, the coulds, the woulds, the ought-to's, and be... Be ready, be available, and to be still. 

May your HealthFULL Journey be one of wonder as we embrace the Christmas Season and more importantly the REASON for the Season.  As your to-do list grows do not be afraid to cross out the extras or the overwhelming gestures and to remember that Simple and Humble is how Our Saviour greeted us, maybe the best way to celebrate Him is in the same way.  'Til we meet again. . .  

Taking Forward Steps

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”--Joshua 1:9

 

Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!  That's how ideas flip through my thoughts.  I sometimes feel like bees are just buzzing and flitting through ideas.  I get easily excited and therefore pretty easily discouraged.  But sometimes you just get those ideas that clamor for attention.  They pull your nerves and tighten your muscles until attention is paid.  Sometimes these ideas seem so overwhelming.  You sidestep, you run, you hide, you dodge, you plead for these ideas to let go and find a new home.  Someone able, someone eager, someone enthusiastic, someone younger, just someone else would be nice to offer a haven to this craziness.  Finally, you convince yourself it is easier to attempt the first step and be rejected or roadblocked then continue to hear that squeal of the gears crunching together and jamming to a halt as you try to brake the constant whirrrrr! 

 

So I did it. I took the first step forward in what I feel is my life Calling.  I applied to seminary.  Just three years ago I re-applied to college to finish my degree after a seven year hiatus.  I certainly did not think that I would not only finish my B.A. but that I would actually apply to graduate school.  Whew!  It is exhausting to even imagine working towards my Master of Divinity while also chasing after a two year old.  But it's one step at a time, right?

 

I have felt overwhelmed a lot lately.  So to lessen the load I have been trying to put out little fires, de clutter here and there, make a menu, blow off responsibility and read or tinker on the www.HealthFULLJourney.com website, or just grab my son and head outside.  I probably should the last one more.  Once I get stuck in my thoughts it is hard to remember the importance of fresh air and simply changing surroundings can make a huge difference.  Right?  It is easy to get stuck.  Its easy to let those negative thoughts pull you down and crush your spirit. 

 

Tricks, gimmicks, are mental band-aids and sometimes they absolutely do the trick.  Sometimes you just have that snag or scratch that needs a little TLC and is poof all better.  But then occasionally the muck is sticky, thick, and STRONG!  Those situations can only be slightly delayed with a trick of breathing or a visual gimmick of peace.  Those moments when you truly are snagged by the hardening muck needs professional hands. 

 

Whew!  So it has come to that time for me.  It has been three and half years that I have held onto this so unhealthy weight.  There will be phases of great progress and then Whoosh as I slide down the mountain.  There is huge part of me that is ready to clean house and say farewell, but something isn't clicking.  So many wonderful blessings have came into my life and rocked my world in such a fabulous way with so many areas of my health VASTLY improved the physicality just isn't showing as much progress.  So I am going to work a little more on the mental/emotional areas and hopefully will trigger that physical response.  I have decided with some friendly suggestions and encouragement it is time to visit a counselor and deal with that mental storage room that is just crammed with junk.  I believe I have kept that off limits because of the anxiety of being pulled back into horrible replay of those sad memories that we can't quite let go that is full of failure, regrets, embarassment, and just the yuck files of life.  Sure those memories are minimal compared to the blessings in one's life usually until you get trapped in the room with them, face -to-face and then in that instant feel bigger than those monsters of childhood.

 

Just acknowledging that there is those issues to paw through so most can be let go is somewhat healing which leads to taking forward steps.  We can sidestep, skip, crawl, tiptoe, sneak all we want, but none of those actions help to strengthen ourselves or lead to a healthier life on this journey.  So for me to keep Feeling Unbelievable & Loving Life it means taking forward steps.  It means reclaiming confidence in my gifts and abilities.  It means acknowledging mistakes but not attaching them to me as a lifelong anchor.  It also means getting angry, vulnerable, and personal.  Whew!  But it will lead to blessings I truly believe.  Every pound lost adds valuable precious time to share here on Earth with my beautiful son and fabulous hubby and amazing friends and family.  Maybe that's the way to look at the weight loss - an extra tick on the life clock.  Each effort is a positive.  My first task is to drink MORE WATER and less and less soda.  Forward steps.  Sure I have conquered this healthy step several times over but than I slip back into the comfortable pattern of four to five cans of diet soda easily and slowly let go of drinking water habit.  Why is it so easy to backslide a gazillion steps and almost back-breaking to take that one positive forward step?  Especially when we know where we want to go and why! 

 

May your HealthFULL journey be forward moving with few backslides.  It's good to remember your starting point and to be aware of the forward progress that has occurred but be careful not to get stuck in the past by mistakes or by successes for it is the forward steps of today that lead us to the progress of tomorrow.  God's Blessings 'Til we meet again. . . 

 

The questions of Parenthood

Now Sarah said, "God has brought laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me."  --Genesis 21:6 NRSV

The above verse actually references the news of Sarah's upcoming pregnancy in her nineties.  This verse makes me giggle as well, not because of her age but her reaction. I appreciate that she chose to respond with laughter.  I appreciate that reaction because there are many moments of parenthood that you can't help but laugh.   

As you prepare yourself for parenthood one tends to question their beliefs, their actions, their reactions to crazy off the wall dramatic scenarios.  My husband and I had a lot of conversations how we would answer some of the big questions - How many children do we want? Will I breastfeed or bottlefeed?  Will we encourage college?  Is it important for kids to get a job? Do we give them an allowance? If so, what age?  And the list goes on and on? 

And though it seems crazy as you grow your little blueberry to a strawberry to an orange to a full-fledged watermelon you discuss their possible needs of  two days, two years, ten years, and even twenty years into the future.  What you don't question or imagine are the real scenarios and the immediate impending daily pop quiz life will offer with detrimental consequences if answered incorrectly.  Most of those consequences including a bodily fluid of some sort. 

For instance,  as we prepared for parenthood we imagined a daily question would be:

Aren't you the cutest sweetest most perfect little boy ever born ?  And for the most part is asked daily but not nearly asked as often as the following?

WHY?    REALLY?     UMMMMM?   Will you please stop?  PLEASE!?!?!?!

Did you do this?  Can you even reach that?  HOW?

These are some of the more common questions that tend to occur on a daily basis.  This blog topic came from our question of tonight.  One of those questions that I didn't even dream up in my wildest scenarios of raising a child.  But as we asked it tonight took on a certain air of importance and a little bit of true discussion and a few attempts at trial and error.

What is this important question?  Pants or No Pants?  Hmmmmm.   The clock is ticking.  We went with pants.  Our son had worn himself out falling asleep as he held a private lecture for his best friend Lionel and perhaps other stuffed figures in his room.  He did reach out for support from Mom and Dad but after the ninth encore we bid adieu!  So as my husband did one of five nightly checks of our son he whispered "We have a conundrum."  Me acting all smug and replied "Is he asleep on TOP of his blanket?"  A question we have faced numerous times.  He replied "Nooooo....um...*silent beat beat* He has no pants."  UGH!!! Now for some parents with it being late November its a unanimous pants.  But our son has had the hardest time sleeping lately.  Which means mom and dad have not had an easy go at the sleeping.  This phase will pass I realize but we are tired individuals.  Plus our son is such a light sleeper.  We sometimes have to peek from afar as the kid's ability to hear rivals any top-secret sonar equipment out there.  But after discussion we confirmed Pants are better than no pants.  Then we had to discuss best strategy.  Should one lift and one slide pants?  Should one control the whole scene and slide pants over legs stretched out across crib?  I took the reins or the pants and slid.  Uh oh - abort mission.  Kid has scrunched into ball form.  Approach from behind with slight lift.  Stirring stirring - all freeze immediately!  Stop breathing let moment pass.  No eyes thats good - uh oh reaching there is reaching - stand back wait for it - yes grasp of Lionel's paw.  Eyes shut?  Finish sliding pants - flutter blanket - and together hightail out of danger zone. 

It takes teamwork some days to strategize, to laugh, and to question everything and appreciate the answers are never quite what you expect.  I have to confess this need to discuss the random questions we face has been after a week of laughter and many many questions.  Here are a couple of pictures to share what are day truly entails.

Exhibit A:

UMM? Really?
After my son fully dressed jumped into a bathtub filled with water.

Exhibit B: Why yes that is a garbage bag of dirty
diapers and yes those are indeed our truck keys. The
sad part is we didn't even know the keys were missing.
How?

How? Why?


So we continue to live with laughter and the endless amount of questions. We are grateful every day for this journey of parenthood.  But never without a few questions :)

May your HealthFULL Journey lead you with questions but always leave you with some hope, laughter, and a few answers at least every once in awhile :) 'Til we meet again. . .

Jello Elbow

Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths.  Lead me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all day long.  --Psalm 25 (NRSV)

 

 

What a day!  But let's rewind to the night before.  I was a nervous wreck.  Jumping bundle of anxiety.  Worry-wart mcgee.  I was crazy to be with last night.  Just further proof that I married a saint.  I clinged to my kid, bothered my cat, hovered over my dog and kept trying to convince my husband I had Jello Elbows.  It is not the easiest thing to describe but you know adrenaline when it's pumping but you aren't doing anything adrenaline worthy (besides running around like a crazy chicken :)  It is pumping but has no release.  As the individual feeling it I feel like I am wiggling like wacky gelatin.  But in the mirror and I am sure my husband's view I'm talking nonsense.  But I felt it and I wanted him to understand that today was going to be a big day.  And that no matter what happened it was going to leave an impression in my life.  Some days we stumble into a beautiful precious memory or unplanned challenge that leaves a spontaneous scar.  But sometimes we just KNOW that life will be different - whether we force importance on the day, or the day doles out the importance by the bushel - it's a life-changing day. I'm sure we could all count some of those memories. 

 

So what was this huge event that was causing Jello Elbows? Well I was awaiting an introduction of sorts - a two hour interview you may say - or a lengthy discernment process that led up today.  It took roughly 400 miles of driving, four references, 20 rounds of e-mail, five phone calls, 16 pages of writing from my end, plus answering 1000 + questions (between online inventories categorizing personality and psychological traits) and then another 11 pages all to discuss in this two hour time frame.  It was a little mind boggling.  Who was this person I was to meet in such an intense manner?  Myself.  I was nervous as I was to meet with a virtual stranger who pretty much knew my entire life story and not only knew it but was going to share their professional opinion about it.  Kind of nerve-wracking, right?  (Not that this may come as a surprise but with all that information that was gathered it was determined that I do tend to have anxiety - point for me I knew that already :)

 

 

Actually,  nothing came up in the interview that was surprising.  For some of you this might sound redundant as I have literally lived my entire life (all 32 years) with the subject matter.  But I think we all like to hide from some parts of ourselves.  It helps to cope with our daily lives to not remember our phobias, our weaknesses, our frustrations, our wants, our needs, our opinions, our mistakes, our regrets, 24/7. Sometimes, we forget that when we set the problems aside or quickly but tidily sweep our issues under the rug - that they still exist.  Just because they are out of mind does not mean they have disappeared. 

 

Before I started this blog three and 1/2 years ago.  I was really good at dropping the uncomfortable parts of my life, myself, or even those issues that hang around my environment.  Shut off the lights, close the doors, grab the blankets and just train our thoughts to disengage from the "yuck".  Problem is it became easier and easier to step away from "issues/uncomfortableness" until there was little left to lose because I had hidden or pushed everything away.  So really these last three years prepped me for the introduction of who I met today. 

 

Can I tell you a secret?  I kind of liked her.  Oh don't get me wrong - the woman has ISSUES but there is this theme of hope and effort and signs of improvement that might just help stomp out the bigger gnawing annoying pests. There was a tone that was intriguing, almost inviting - that with a little more (lot more - depending on whose scale we're using :)  help; I may actually fulfill my dream of living my life according to God's call by following His truth to do His will.   

 

It's been a battle - not because God wanted to wrestle. Not even because I was ready to rumble.  But because I was scared.  Of what?  I don't even know if I can voice it anymore because in my own ears it sounds ludicrous and yet when you are living in fear surround by fear - it's beyond real and bigger than common sense.  But if you can catch your breath for a moment and truly face whatever imaginary fear lives to chase you and breathe down your neck - it will dissipate almost instantaneously.  Don't give your fears room to breathe and grow because they will happily run away like thieves with hostages.  The fears will multiply to trick and discourage you and will do anything to cause and manipulate your doubt to erase your sight or at least paint the path of hope or a true future a mere inch out of reach. 

 

 

So after years of running, hiding, crying, pouting, I'm walking towards God's path.  I don't know the end of the road or what other paths will tumble to my feet during this time of discernment.  But I am ready for God to teach me the paths. 

 

 

 

 

If you are wondering why you are looking at these plates of grapes.  This is a little trick from I found on Pinterest.com.  that includes - can you guess?  J-E-L-L-O.  Think of them as nature's sour patch kids.  So easy and most everyone enjoys this sweet treet.  You rinse the grapes, don't dry them, and then roll them in jello powder.  It looks prettiest when you match flavors with colors.  (Green grapes with lime, black grapes with black cherry)  They are so pretty and kids LOVE to help.  And if you can wait just an hour to let the grapes become chilled.  Instant snack. 

 

 

I add this grape story because we need to grab fruit from the vine.  And though I complained about my nervous JELLO elbows and called it anxiety.  Just sometimes that anxiety is mistaken for what really is excitement - for anticipation of what will happen next.  Yes, worry can cause Jello Elbows to dissolve in puddles of sticky syrup.  But sometimes those Jello Elbows are ready for a challenge to lead to an unknown treasure that truly shines like royal jewels.

 

May your HealthFULL Journey remind you that yesterday may have been okay, but today is better, and we can look forward to the future with hope and excitement - even if we are stuck with Jello Elbows today :) Feeling Unbelievable & Loving Life - 'Til we meet again. . .

 





Oh Twoodles :)

A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. --John 16:21 NIV

 

 

 

OH Twoodles!  My li'l boy is two years old.  Two years ago I was the calmest and most at peace I have ever been and that is honestly a testimony to the power of prayers.  Two years ago plus a day on November 2, 2010 I was two seconds from discharging myself from the hospital.  I was on day 8 and losing my mind.  The IV was driving me crazy.  The view of my hospital room had me believing the walls were closing in on me.  I was more than a little perturbed with the hospital staff.  I was finished with being a patient.  Either deliver the kid or we'll see ya in a couple of days.  I was tired of being pricked, poked, monitored, vitals checked, data recorded - DONE DONE DONE!  But that following day at the ultra sound where Drew was showing distress and my stats were a little crazy high I would have taken back every mutter of protest.  11 weeks early is too early -  but good thing God was in control and not me.  I joke now that my son was just done cookin'  and you don't want to mess with perfection :)  I called my husband told him to leave work, stop by the house grab comfy clothes and let out our dog and then head on up to the hospital.  I told you I was pretty chill for what was about to unfold.  I had never had any type of surgery and because of his early arrival a C-section wasn't just a possibility it was the only option. 

 

All the stuff I was a fearful of was handled with little to no incident.  Catheter which I feared worse than birds (which for me is the height of fears) was nothing.  The pain from surgery was almost non-existent.  My son's time in the NICU in hindsight was almost as uneventful as possible (sure the forty four days we endured went painstakingly slow and were riddled with nervous hiccups). 

 

And two years later?  I still cry at the stories of those who visit the NICU.  As I hear the beeps and in my mind picture the monitors of lines we stared at for reassurance, hope, and feeling involved with our child's well-being.  But two years later I get to chase after my son who is doing awesome.  We giggle, we sing, we pray, we babble, we cuddle, and we dance - we dance a lot - okay really he dances a lot and I dance some :)  We also curl up and watch MICKEY MOUSE.  I have been a Disney fan for as long as I can remember.  If you enter our house you are most likely to notice my Lion King Plate Collection and this huge Disneyland Poster. 

 

So when it came to a theme for Drew's 2nd I thought it was going to be Elmo and then Mickey Mouse Clubhouse rounded the corner and won the race by a mile.  He loves their opening theme song which we bounce to but it is the closing Hot Dog number where we both get up and shimmy!  We giggle and we dance.  That means for lunch today we offered our family and friends a hot dog lunch.  We tried to keep things simple.  But that is hard for me.  I say it to my husband and he takes that to mean we are going to keep it simple.  And in my head it means I won't rent a circus nor book Cinderella's castle but otherwise everything is fair game.  I have spent many of nights trying to create the perfect decorations.  However, I was still hanging items (and not all got hung) by the time guests started to arrive, nor was I completely dressed, nor had I brushed my hair.  I felt like such a supermom/host - welcome let me go get ready for the party we invited you to.  :( 

 

But as Dr. Seuss said "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." We had a good turn-out - no one went away hungry and the birthday boy napped and played and laughed! 

 

We welcome the two's with trepidation as we say good-bye to the baby years and the toddling because everyday his footing gains sureness, confidence, and speed.  Quickly he leaves his baby steps behind to race unto adulthood.  We also welcome the two's with pride, excitement, and anticipation.  I hear they bring out some terrible facets of growth but I know (and hope) for the terrific twists.

 

May your HealthFULL Journey include a little cake to celebrate those moments that feel they might break you but actually are the moments we laugh about and end up raising our arms in gratitude to a Lord who knows best and showers us with more blessings than we could ever imagine. 

 

   



Because sometimes we get our cake and get to eat it too :)
 Happy Twoodles - 'Til we meet again. . .