Not my finest hour

Not my finest hour

Oh, the grumbling stomach holds such power!

And then leads me to not my finest hour;

But was my stomach uttering a grumble?

Or was it more a mumble?

So instead I allowed my taste buds

To taste and taste seeking out the duds.

Seeking out the dud flavors for an excuse to eat more

And more and more until my tummy mumbles too full and very sore!

Calorie after calorie slips down my throat.

Each nibble receiving a vote

but tough competition as there was much to compare

No counting calories today - I wouldn't even dare.

But feeling frustrated and today was looking like a big fail

Lets measure the damage and step on the scale

Oooooh worse than I feared

My eyes sort of teared

This week I felt a bit lazy

and then today ate crazy!

I admit today was not my finest hour.

It would be so easy to find a corner and just cower,

But in the end that won't do much good.

So, I realize my choices and accept my mood.

Let's pick up and plan to do better - starting now!

Understand that not every moment is a wow;

But that every second can hold hope.

With that kind of thinking I can cope.

Today was not my finest hour,

But with a little focus I can regain my power.

Which means time to gather my pep,

And move forward towards health - step by step. 

I wrote this little rhyme because today I snacked and munched like there was no tomorrow.  And if I continue to eat like I did there will be fewer and fewer tomorrows.  That's a pretty sobering thought.  I told myself I was hungry but my stomach more than once said - NO MORE!  And the scale wasn't kind.  But I needed that tough love today.  If someone doesn't exercise and doesn't eat right the scale isn't bound by the rules of friendship.  So I am getting organized, minimizing the chaos, and hiring myself a trainer.  Well maybe not hiring but letting my 18 month old share his wisdom as he finds the fun and play in being active and also acting as my mirror 24/7 with his mimicking ways.  Today wasn't my finest hour but tomorrow will be lots better :)

May your HealthFULL journey highlight your weaknesses so that you can improve them.  May your HealthFULL journey also display your strengths.  Because everyone has both - and it is the wise people who learn to use both. 'Til we meet again. . . 

And then there was Sunshine

Its hard to remember the warmth and the light of the sun when you are caught in a dark threatening thunderstorm.  Its frustrating to feel trapped and that any and every step will get you drenched or put you at risk.  And then the rain stops, the lightening and thundering fade, and clouds part and there it is -the sun; bright and ready to shine.

I get the momentum and everything is clicking on the healthfull journey and then lightening storms pop up.  Colds and their icky symptoms flood our household.  We throw away our routines on vacation.  And the locomotive of health stops in its tracks and retreats.  I tried really hard to stay on track with at least being active on our vacation.  We didn't even go to the beach and still played outside.  This has not always been true for us.  But we found two awesome playgrounds to have our whole family engaged.  But as I admitted I ate the opposite of healthy in New Orleans - but their food is so good and rich (if you choose their delicious sauces and such - and I DID!).  So I kept up with half of the healthy lifestyle.  Well before I corrected my eating habits - I got hit with the big old cold that drains energy and had me walking less and less....and less!  And the eating not improving so I started to feel threatened that I would never catch my locomotive of health.  So with purpose and thought I would dig in my heels and force myself baby steps.  I am back drinking soda but not the three - four cans a day.  I bought Coke Zero in 7.5 oz can.  And I am trying to allow myself up to one a day.  1 and half days in and I have had two.  So we'll see.  I got myself back to walking after a couple of days rest for the cold.  And I felt the break I took as I attempted our big hill and started pushing myself mentally mailbox to mailbox (there are eight on one side of the big hill :)   And today I ran a couple of quick errands.  The two both could be ran via drive thru.  Because its convenient I tend to use this advantage.  But I figured this is an easy extra two hundred steps I can choose to take.  The world is making it easier and easier to be lazy.  We have to make a commitment to make decisions to be active in our own lives.  Don't get me wrong that I will NEVER again use a drive -thru but when I have time then I need to remind myself this is a choice I can make to add years to my life by taking three extra minutes here and now. 

Its easy to get lost in those dark clouds.  But I promise you if you seek the sunshine you will eventually see past those threatening clouds. 

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." - Proverbs 15:13

May your heart and body be healed on your own HealthFULL Journey when you seek the SONshine and that His light and warmth protect you from those threatening dark cloud kind of days. 'Til we meet again. . .

Pearly Vine

We just had a wonderful family vacation.  And I could have made healthier choices but opted for indulgence.  In the moment indulgence is divine - but the aftermath not as fun.  I feel overstuffed, overcrowded, and out of sorts.  But when one is in New Orleans there are many yummy temptations and I tended to fall for everyone.  However we are back home and back on the healthfull track!!! Routines, familiar ground, and cozy comforts are within easy reach!  Our first matter of business was to have healthy produce at the ready which also meant produce of the week!  We spent the afternoon shopping after my son and I had a sleep in morning do to our vacation colds - BOO!  One of our quick purchases of today was pearl tomatoes on the vine from Trader Joe's. (love this place!!!)  For supper my husband baked a beautiful salmon, with roasted brussel sprouts (my fave - honest to goodness one of the best finds of our new produce of the week - definitely a staple around here!!!) and dirty rice.  I am not the biggest fan of dirty rice.  I enjoy it but feel it really doesn't satisfy me as an entree and rarely can think of a good meal where it can play side dish.  Tonight's dinner worked.  And to sweeten up dirty rice which texturally can be a little heavy and "dark" tasting.  I chose to just dice up the tomatoes real quick and threw one into my rice and delicious.  It added a sweetness and a bright note to the heavy side dish.  This is a great find for me.  Because I have an odd palate when it comes to tomatoes.  I like tomato based sauces but not a fan of just the tomato (unless of course it is Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales in that instance - HUGE FAN!!!) .  I find a lot of tomatoes to be sour, sometimes bitter.  I like them as thin slices on a burger or the sweet little bombs in a salad.  But salsa, spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce, and of course ketchup - delicious!  There are just few tomatoes though that taste yummy out of the gate for me.  These pearl tomatoes on the vine were a great note to the supper.  They added a touch of sweetness, a dash of sour, and just lifted the heavy side dish. 

Also it is nice to add a fruit/vegetable to the mix without too much fuss.  That's when it becomes difficult to broaden our tastes.  If the healthy alternative costs too much, requires too much effort, or just tastes nasty we let the excuses and the negativity turn us off and choose the familiar junk food because its cheap, easy, and we have convinced ourself tasty (which if you turn off the tv, close your eyes and really focus on the choices we eat - you will be shocked how little you like most of those comfort choices.  I have been - (but still am guily of reaching for these items out of simple familiarity)!
However I try to focus on the positive.  I may stall out.  I sometimes even take three steps backward.  But I remind myself every moment I can do better.  If I lose my footing and trail three steps - I need to try to push myself forward at least four steps and take no less than three.  Little by little as the Little Engine that could proved I think I can I think I can eventually will turn into I did it -  I did it!!!

So lets crush these tomatoes and improve our health together.  Don't let the vines tangle you but carry you closer to your goals.  May your HealthFULL journey be full of pearls of wisdom, precious gems, and the occasional irritant that turns beautiful with a little extra effort. 'Til we meet again. . .

Strides for Autism

Do you know someone who is personally affected by Autism?  Or do you know a family member of someone who falls on the sprectrum?  The chances are very likely in today's day and age. Once upon a time, around 1950, the prevalence of autism was estimated 1 in 10,000 people were diagnosed with autism.  The numbers of today for children in the United States : 1 in 88.  Do you know 10,000 people?  Probably not - at least on a personal level.  Do you know 88 people?  Probably several times over without too much effort.  There are tons of reasons these numbers have greatly changed.  We are becoming more aware - but we also need to take a more active approach in research to help reduce the causation factors and also learn how we can support our friends and family affected by life on the spectrum.  Its not easy to classify in a neat description.  But those who live with autism themselves or within their households realize that it changes everything.  You may have seen the awareness ribbons - quite attractive with the bright colors that look like puzzle pieces.  Here is a great site that displays the ribbon and description : http://www.autism-society.org/about-us/puzzle-ribbon.html .

I like to walk for so many reasons.  But sometimes it is good to have goals.  So every year I try to pick at least one cause or several to raise funds and get out there to move.  A reminder to myself that health really is a blessing, one many of us take for granted too often - until we get a cold, a flu, or those dreaded test results or a frightening diagnosis.  A diagnosis our catch 22 in life.  We want validation when we see a doctor, a medical professional, a specialist.  We like that a diagnosis points us in a direction and hopefully comes with a cure.  But sometimes, especially after our patience has been tried, too much pain felt, confusion abounding and frustration burying us we finally receive our long awaited diagnosis.  And sometimes when we finally hear "the official word" we want to return it because ignorance seems a better alternative.  Because the diagnosis was too scary.  Too much unknown.  Or too well known with little success rates.  Perhaps its manageable but not curable.  Or if curable a hard unrelenting uphill battle.  These are our friends and families who need support the most.  Many of you might identify cancer with these examples.  And absolutely that C-word is a dreadful word to hear.  But a diagnosis of autism can also feel this way.  It can bury a family in depression.  Thats why we need to continue to fight together and support each other.  We waste too much energy in blame and pointing fingers, even sometimes bullying to separate ourselves from responsibility or a little extra work. 

It doesn't take much to help in most instances.  A kind word.  A listening ear.  A few dollars out of many pockets. An extra look to see how you can personally use your talents to help.  At the walk today they called in a fun run.  Along the path were little activities to "spice" up the walk.  Touch your nose.  Bunny hop. Spin around.  Smile bigger.  Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily activities, daily lives, daily duties that we forget to take that extra minute and spin our children.  To offer a silly grin.  Seconds these take to brighten a whole afternoon for both you and whoever you're with.  I challenge you to look for extra signs in your day on how to brighten someone else's day which in turn (I guarantee!!!) will also brighten your own.

I thank you all so much for the prayers, the support, and the donations the Strides for Autism today at Heritage Park in Simpsonville, SC was a great success.  There was a good turn-out.  Some great fun (including a Zumba work-out) and a beautiful song written by a father with a child who falls on the Autism spectrum. 

We still would love to meet our goal and you can still donate online at: https://scautism.org/strides/team/3/

Puzzles abound,

Mysteries swirl,

And sometimes frustration grows!

But yet, there are moments so precious,

that steal your breath;

because for one minute

we glimpse their world.

We meet where there is purity.

Where there is no confusion

and everything makes sense.

There are a lot of smiles,

perhaps a few cheers,

and only tears of delight.

But then all too quickly

someone closes the curtains

and the light dims.

And though we are are near each other

we no longer can communicate.

So. . . we start again!

We work with hope.

We work with determination

because even if all we share is a moment---

It was a moment too precious

too important

too special to miss!!!

Join us in our fight for autism

to unlock the puzzles that silences these precious gems.

Help us to help them.

Help us to share their story.

Help them to be their best version.

And help the world be better because of what we ALL can offer.

May your healthfull journey lead you to places beyond your craziest dreams and happiest fantasies. 'Til we meet again. . .

P.S. If you like the picture of autism awareness I found it at http://www.cafepress.com/kcgraphics/2318994 with a lot of amazing images and merchandise for sale.

Tresses that were full of Stresses

Oh when I put on my Supermom Jeans I felt powerful and energetic.  After cutting my hair I felt like a brand-new woman!!! The tresses had to go.  I haven't had a proper haircut in two years, maybe a quick trim - two at the most.  That's a lot of time and a lot of damaged hair that held too many stresses.  My hair was the longest it had ever been.  As a society I believe we have taught many people that long hair usually equals a pretty factor.  That there is pride in our locks and it shows we have willpower and patience to grow out our hair.  Or people like me who just don't get around to the hairdresser.  Believe me this haircut is long overdue and been on the to-do list for at least six months.  My poor fantastic hubby patiently listened to every one of my complaints, whines, outbursts about this too long of hair.  He listened as I yakked about how I pulled my hair (accidentally) and my son pulled on my hair (for sport), how the chairs would tug my hair and I would wake-up with headaches as I continually gave myself whiplash as I would roll over my hair and then try to pull my head up.  Argh!  And finally it was time.  I called, I made an appointment and slashed it off my to do list.  The stylist cut my hair within five minutes of my arrival and as soon as that scissor snipped my hair - angels sang and I smiled the mega-watt smile. 

Because it wasn't just hair she cut.  She helped my de-stress the tresses.  That hair held heartache and worry as I would run my hands through my hair as I sang and whispered to my son in the NICU so many months ago.  Those abandoned strands held pain and frustration as I tugged it into a messy bun after my hair being pulled yet again by one of the many sources.  Those locks were loaded with guilt as I hid my face behind them in hopes to fade away from the world.  There were some dark moments these last two years and those hairs held every memory of sadness, every second of anger, and every instance of worry.  It held no joy because I keep that in my heart :)  But the tresses were stressed and therefore became more stress.

Last night I slept like a baby as I drifted into the land of slumber roughly nine o'clock.  Which is crazy unheard of behavior from me.  Which meant I woke up early with energy.  Not anger or frustration at the early rising but well rested and headache free.  I was able to be at my daily goal of seven thousand steps before ten am as I had a work-out with the Bollywood Burn (newest dvd from the library ) and yes it did burn.  I haven't worked-out besides walking in far too long of time.  Good time to mix things up since I was a brand new me :)  Then unto a walk with one of my favorite guys and canine :)  Then for an encore this afternoon I was back to raking.  I did a small section with my supermom jeans but without my stressful tresses I was able to conquer 2/3 of the yard.  Yay! 

Hair does tell a story.  I love how a seasoned hair stylist can read your lifestyle by the state of your tresses.  As we were deciding on cut and color (as I felt two years without a haircut meant there was room to splurge :)  my stylist mentioned how I could pull off a lighter blonde as I had light hair as a kid.  I did.  But I thought that shade was long gone but she knew.  She could tell how many countless tugs of ponytails and buns my hair experienced.  But my hair was telling a different story that I no longer wanted to co-author.  My tresses were displaying all my stresses and resentment and hurt and on and on.  But these days I have a pep to my step and a sappy to my happy :)  It was time to share that story with the world.  Thank you tresses for being a long for the ride - but in the nicest way possible - GOOD RIDDANCE!

May your HealthFULL Journey eliminate the stresses,  polish the tresses, and make you feel like a more joyful energized brand new version of yourself. 'Til we meet again. . .

A Fruit and a Root

I haven't posted our new produce but we have still been sampling a nutritious variety of yummy treats.  I tried a real exotic fruit last week - an apple.  Stop the crazy train, right?  :)  Yes I have had an apple a time or two in my life but not this variety called Lady Alice apples.  It sounded intriguing - it does have a royal title which must mean its impressive, right?  I thought so.   I really like Golden Delicious apples with its bright yellow skin and not as crisp flesh and a nice mild flavor - a tad sweet, very little tart, and comforting, especially with some peanut butter.  I mentioned all this because the Lady Alice apple shares a few similarities. For instance, if you see a Lady Alice apple it looks like a Golden but with a warm pink blush.  And the size just fits the palm of my hand.  The peel feels firm but not like armor (nor a candle - but sadly I have tried an apple or two that couldn't boast the same :( .  I enjoyed this variety and kept the snack real simple.  I cut it up and ate it with almond butter.  For years I have listened to some family members and friends really talk up the Honeycrisp variety.  This is a good stand - in.  I find some Honeycrisp apples to be quite large - I want a snack not a whole pie from one fruit.  Also some of the apples are REALLY sweet and when I find something REALLY sweet - thats almost scary!  So sweet you pucker your lips kind of sweet.  I also have found near the end of their season that Honeycrisp tends to be near flavorless, almost blah.  What's great about a Lady Alice apple is they take awhile to brown - you can enjoy your whole snack and it still be the white crispy slice you cut thirty minutes prior.  Also this is the perfect season for the Lady Alice to make her royal appearance; where most apples are in season during fall Lad Alice is perfectly right and ripe for Spring.  Easy go to snack at hopefully your grocer's.  I also leaned towards almond butter as peanut butter would compete against the apple's own sweetness.  Yummy!

Now unto the root.  Roots in the produce aisle look scary with their gnarliness and dirty exterior but when peeled and prepared they are so tender and delicious.  So this week we tackled the *pound piano* celery root!  These roots can be quite large and in charge.  But a great addition to a roast.  At least that's how we prepared it and loved it!  I am not a huge celery fan.  But its not really the flavor I mind - its the strings and texture.  Raw celery not a fan! But roasted or sauteed celery - quite enjoyable.  One string or snap and I'm done with it.   So celery root quite a nice find.  We had planned a roast for Monday in the crockpot.  Filling meal without too much hassle.  Monday around here we both had to get up early and work all day.  Who wants to mess with dishes after a long day?  So we were going to prep the veggies Sunday night and in the morning would just toss in the roast and turn the knob.  Simple, right?  Sort of.  We both hit that evening lull where you are just ready for bed.  And cutting vegetables sounded like such a chore.  But in all honesty ten minutes from gathering - rough chop and quick clean-up.  We quartered a couple of potatoes, chunked a big onion, and tackled the celery root.  It looks hard to deal with it.  But really a quick rinse and the peel is not tough at all.  Because the surface area tends to be good size you don't have to worry about nooks and crannies like a sunchoke or the tough exterior of the turban squash (I still get tense about that ordeal!!!) . Quick peel and you can immediately smell the celery aroma.  Its flesh has tinges a spring green that peek through the peel but a creamy white inside (closely resembling a potato).  I did read at www.eattheseasons.com mentioned you could eat it raw - but suggested slicing thin matchsticks and possibly blanching it quickly for a creamier texture. My hubby cut the root into cubes and we were ready for the roast.  I really liked the flavor it lended to the other vegetables and the meat.  It had such a comforting flavor - almost cinnamon like - tish sweet but more a warming spice - think warm apple cider on a chilly day.  It has been two days since we made our tasty roast but I just had yummy leftovers and the flavors only deepened.  And for any other diabetics or those seeking low carb - root vegetable but not loaded with starch (at least according to wikipedia and http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/carbcounts/a/celeriac.htm .  Great way to stretch mashed potatoes or make a creamy soup. 

Thinking spring around here but feel like I was eating autumnish :)  Its beautiful weather and we are four days away from our  Strides for Autism walk Saturday, April 14, 2012. We still would love donations to meat our $500.00 goal.  We are past the half-way point - your donation could help us meet or even surpass the goal!!! Please visit https://scautism.org/strides/team/3/ .

May your HealthFULL Journey keep you grounded to your roots but motivate you to always reach for the highest fruit :)  'Til we meet again. . .

Making Music

Out of all the Resolutions I made this year for 2012 I figured being creative would be the easiest because it would be the most fun.  I love tapping into my creative side.  It is actually the hardest to claim time.  Creative fun is great.  It speaks to my heart.  My creative endeavors used to be the activities I devoted the most time to : choir, band (flute), piano lessons, theatre (it was my college major!!!), speech, and the writing and sketching I used to do on the side.  But that was pre-adult responsibilities.  That was before Mrs. Mommy, before bills, before jobs, before life challenges.  It was a time where my biggest responsibility was to just be me and have fun and find out who I am.  Well I still am finding out who I am but the world keeps knocking at my door.  And sadly, I still keep answering. 

Another resolution I am working towards is a more organized life.  So as I worked on this goal I actually worked on the creativity resolution instead.  Life sure is funny sometimes!  One of those nagging ideas got into my head that I should give away my flute.  I had a perfect person in mind who probably could find a good home or at least a good use for an instrument that has been boxed up and hidden away for years.  I pulled out my flute to see what kind of condition it appeared to be.  I assembled the three pieces like I did many times.  It was almost a challenge to see if I still "knew" how to play and I even doubted that I would be able to recall notes.  So as my sweet son enjoyed his morning snack I played songs from the Lion King.  Sometimes stopping to sing because I just can't resist.  But surprise surprise I actually remembered how to play this instrument that I played day after day for almost eight years (well maybe not day after day - but I did claim to practice that often :) .  Shocking I know! 

As my son applauded my performance I reawakened to the joy of making music or creating art.  It fires your senses and pumps the blood through your veins just a little harder and a little faster.  Your breath increases in anticipation and then holds for the big ta-da - what would be the final product?  Oh how I have missed that purpose! That drive! That passion!  That moment where you feel you are leaving your heart wide open to whoever has time to share in the results.  The hope that somehow all your efforts will mean something to someone.  And feeling this with a couple puffs on my flute I realized I just wasn't ready to give that up quite yet. 

Before I put away my flute (hopefully for not as long as the last time) I allowed Drew a chance to "play".  He wasn't for the flute to be a flute as much as a clarinet and of course the all time favorite drums! (You can see for yourself in the pictures.)  I shared with my mom the story of how he played the flute.  She chuckled and responded with "I never imagined when we purchased that flute (twenty years ago! Crazy!!!) that your son would be playing it."

But that's life isn't it? We don't know what the ending will be.  We rarely know what's around the corner.  But we can dream.  We can work towards our dreams and enjoy the ride.  It is so important to remember that yes we have responsibilitie in life.  But we also have to remember to play, to dream, to live, to let go, and sometimes that means we need to make music. 

May your HealthFULL Journey include many rests to play, to create, to laugh, to dream, to be, and to make music whenever possible. 'Til we meet again. . .

Mrs. Mommy

My hubby Corey and I joke a lot - his sense of humor and mine just meld so we laugh and joke together a lot.  Well in one of our jokefests he started to call me Mrs. Mommy.  Which I giggled alongside him.  But the nickname has stuck in my head as quite a poignant remark.  Very rarely do I still feel Suzy for more than ten minutes at a time.  Most of the time I feel like a Mrs. or Mommy and very often a Mrs. Mommy.  As you read this it is important to know this - I count the reasons behind both of these titles my biggest blessings here on Earth.  BUT...if I am to be completely honest wasn't my dream titles (I am so proud to be both today just not what I envisions years ago).  Hear me out though. . .

Titles are funny things.  We crave them.  We work for them. We like to give them.  We as humans love labels.  They give us pecking orders. They give us futures to desire.  They give us people to dislike or at least labels to pin the blame so we don't have to face that emotion factor.  We tend to wear our titles for reasons of pride, classification, clarification, honor, and a million other reasons.  It wasn't that I didn't want to be a wife nor a mom.  I figured someday in my distant thirties I would most likely have a husband.  And perhaps a child.  But I really didn't "crave" either.  There were three titles I have shared my desire for since I was young (when thirty seemed a distant future and not a recent memory).  I wanted to Aunt Suzy (I have a theory that most people have an Uncle Bob or an Aunt Suzy - there was not extensive research and this was discovered from a small sample pool.  But most people I know have an Uncle Bob or an Aunt Suzy).  I enjoy kids.  I think they are funny, nothing makes me feel more loved than cuddling with a youngster especially singing songs together or reading and find it fascinating to join forces with their creative minds.  But I also enjoyed giving them back to their parents at the end of the day.  This sounded like a great start to following my call of being an Aunt.  (This dream did come true and I love my nieces and nephews - they are fabulous, precious, smart, creative, funny, sweet, kind, and beautiful.  I am so grateful God answered my prayers on that front!)  Another title I wanted to be was a Countess, an Italian Countess ( I <3 Italy!). I was serious about this career/lifestyle choice.  For years I hired my perfect entourage - I had court jesters, I had garbage collectors, ladies in waiting, chefs, event planner, preacher - pretty much everyone but the actual Italian Count. When I was in eighth grade we had to do research for our future career.  The guy who sat in front of me asked what I planned to be when I was a grown-up.  I said I already know but the research will be hard.  He asked me what I wanted to be.  Straight answer " A countess".  His reply "Is that like a female accountant?"  And I looked at him strangely (I now as adult realize that probably should play out the other way), but in the brief exchange I realized two things.  One) I simply had not shared my future intentions with enough people if this guy had no clue what I was talking about and Two) that not everyone saw this title as an average realistic option.   So I ended up researching my third dream title for this eighth grade research project - a Broadway stage actor.  I still haven't been to Italy (probably the best place to find an Italian Count - but I think my Louisiana Prince might get jealous :)  But I did go to school for Theatre as my major which became my minor the second time around.  I didn't make it to Broadway to perform but have performed (for money) in 5/50 states (MN, ND, MT, AK, and CA) and Canada.  So we'll call that a 1/2 title realized - 50%.  Not bad.

So you see I had what I thought were big dreams - big Suzy dreams.  But I fell in love at nineteen - not puppy love that starts off amazing and fizzles usually just as dramatic.  But to the core fell in head over heels full hearted completely committed true love.  I got married at twenty-two and became a Mrs. . .  in North Dakota.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  However, my thirteen year old version of myself saw a completely different picture - Italy was involved (which the full fantasy was to turn one of our Italian castles into an impressive internation theatre school), and my title wasn't Mrs. it would be Countess.  

And the mommy factor.  Whew!  Not that I was against having children.  It was always a future dream.  We even dreamt in our early thirties we would like to have kids.  Thats a great talk when you are twenty-four and married to a great partner.  When you're thirty and pregnant, that dream talk a little too real.  Which sounds after writing that line like we completely planned when we were having children - completely a God thing that shocked us out of the blue.  I have had a lot of friends who have had a variety of female issues and conception is difficult if not impossible (but a few of those impossibles have been PLEASANTLY BLESSED! Praise God!)  So, knowing this I figured God didn't burden my heart with desire because I honestly thought between my weight and other factors that I probably couldn't conceive at least without medical assistance.  I was terrified of the responsibility of being a mom.  As an aunt I figured I could only do minimal damage of anyone's psyche that could be repaired by their parents, selves, and God.  But complete responsibility for another human being I found that frightening to a degree I can' even verbalize.  My esteem like most areas of my life go extreme - I can do anything (like be an Italian Countess) or nothing right (which I kind of placed Mommyhood in that category for me). 

I love my son.  God granted (and my hubby helped) answer the deepest desire of my heart that I couldn't even vocalize.  I wept for days when I took my first pregnancy test (while pregnant) and it showed a negative.  I then hyperventilated when I took one three weeks later and there was a plus sign where I tried to tell my husband between hysterical tears that turned into hysterical laughter the news. In my defense, I had taken at least forty pregnancy tests in my lifetime and not once had there been a plus. Its a little surreal.  Then to really throw me off my A-game, my son was eleven weeks early.  If you know me I tend to run ten minutes late to everything and am a procrastinator to the hilt.  And my son arrives not just early - but super early!!! 

If I was to describe Suzy.  I would say she's funny, fun, playful, creative, and a bit loud.  But those words for Mrs. Mommy seem to be inappropriate.  So sometimes, I feel lost; because of this ideal image I have for Mrs. Mommy.  A woman who cares for her guys and takes care of them - perfectly.  I forget the title may change what some people call me, but not who I am.  I still am Suzy who just happens to be married to a great guy and the happiest little boy (seriously this kid giggles and smiles - ALL the time).  I try to be organized and early as Mrs. Mommy.  I try to cook, clean, and still look "relaxed".  But as I try to be Mrs. Mommy I lose a little bit of Suzy who is the one who received those titles. 

So what's in a name?  Appearance, effort, but it doesn't change the person - at least its not supposed to. So here I write as Suzy who also happens to be Mrs. Mommy.

May you earn the titles life bestows you, but never forget the person you were when you received them. 'Til we meet again. . .