Life gets Messy

Do you make plans?  Do you make lists?  I make oodles and oodles of them.  I jot myself notes.  I chickenscratch endless to do lists.  And then I throw them out the window because life gets messy.  I had high hopes to run to Whole Foods to pick our family's new produce for the week.  But life happened and what was to be a errand kind of afternoon turned into my son needing a bath.  It happens.  He had one last night and most likely will have one tomorrow so that he can look and smell his Sunday best.  But life got messy and he needed one Friday as well.  This might not be right to admit but my son has only had three baths three days in a row when he was sick and we were trying to keep his fevers down. 

We are in the teething stage.  I feel like our household is in lockdown always because of the teething monster who likes to strike at night.  My hubby and I and even our toddler probably had plans for sleep but the teething monster lurks around and keeps us all awake with moans and spontaneous screams.  Life gets messy and we have to deal. 

Its good to have plans.  Its great to have goals and dreams.  But it is important to be realistic which means to be flexible. Because Life gets messy.  We can't stop chaos.  We can't even safeguard against it.  We try.  We save, we try to exercise and eat healthy, we try to schedule fun and stay on top of chores.  We charge our phones. We stock up on groceries.  But it happens that we don't always have the exact thing we need when we need it.  This seems impossible when restaurants deliver, online ordering is 24/7 with express delivery and yet we still sometimes find ourselves ill-prepared.  We can't plan for everything and yet we try.  We try to cover all the bases and sometimes we still our overwhelmed because repeat after me : Life gets Messy. 

I like to please.  I like to do things "right" and yet we all have only one life.  Do we continue to run ourselves ragged? Do we just make even more lists in anticipation of what messes life can throw our way?  Not likely since that would be impossible. 

So we do our best.  We keep working towards our goals.  We keep trudging on paths that feel sturdy and help us become stronger.  We pray for God's wisdom.  Then after all that when life gets messy we breathe, we live, and do the best we can.  And sometimes, after those messy situations we see all the blessings that arrived because of the mess or appreciate even more what remained.

If you are working on your health keep striving to get leaner, stronger, and healthier.  If you are trying to get closer to God - continue to pray, cling to scriptures, and worship with other believers.  If you are crushing debt - keep plugging away - save when you can, earn what you can, and pay down debts as quickly as possible.  If you are getting organized - make your lists, clear the clutter, and admire your efforts.  But in the end, when life gets messy - set the to dos aside and do your best.

May your HealthFULL Journey be a journey that doesn't easily get derailed and that every effort is worth applause. 'Til we meet again. . .

Not just a movie anymore

Alright people we have tried okra to claim our southern living.  But we felt there was another produce that screams southern that we hadn't quite fried and tasted for ourselves (but have seen the movie :) - Fried Green Tomatoes.  They are delicious!  But then fried anything tends to always be an enjoyable guilty pleasure. 

Freshly sliced and awaiting the battering & frying!

At least it wasn't deep fried.  We used one of trusted recipe books and the recipe was super simple with a four step batter process.  I was the dipper and my hubby was the fryer.  First select firm green tomatoes.  I assume that's why the South chooses green tomatoes because of their firmness.  And I also think that you want the heat to help release the tomato flavor. 

I believe I admitted that in the Pearly Vine blog I am not the biggest tomato fan.  I love tomato based sauces and I enjoy when a tomato is heated to release the sweetness. But rarely do I enjoy straight up tomato.  These fried slices were tasty! 

Back to the actual prepping of this yummy side. Once you have the tomatoes you want to slice them generously - between 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick.  Then begin the four step battering.  We dunked the slices into milk then dredged them in flour continued the process by letting the slices slip around in some beaten eggs and finally smothered with breadcrumbs -  Ummm yeah not oh so healthy (which I did promise my doctor I was going to try harder on that front - more later about that) but delicious!  After these slices were quadruple coated we let them sizzle in some olive oil.  I believe because of the weight of the tomato you wouldn't want to deep - fry because these slices weren't going to float but drown.  So we used olive oil (not too high of heat) and let the coating sizzle for roughly four minutes a side (let the batter get golden and crispy).  The process sounds lengthy but goes quickly and clean-up was all shallow bowls so they went into the dishwasher - voila!  And a quick wipe down of the pan after using it.  The rest of our meal included a steamer bag of vegetables.  Brilliant technology.  Great vegetable flavor and you take the bag from the freezer into the microwave and done!  The entree for our southern meal was grilled thinly sliced pork chops - fantastic!  Which is why clean-up was such a breeze. 

Again I urge you non-chefs and fearful boilers of water - little steps and you too can feel like a master chef in your kitchen.  I am still no Julia Child but my hubby and I find time to giggle, bond, and are more likely to eat at home (saving money, time, and calories) if we share apron duty :) 

So about that doctor visit.  My last appointment was Wednesday and blah!  Not awesome - there certainly wasn't no hug this visit but then I have been eating like a crazy ravenous tazmanian devil.  I crossed my fingers and hoped that my A1C(blood sugar average reading for the last three months) wouldn't jump to the 8's.  I started in October at 10.2 (horrible - uncontrolled full blown diabetic level reasons to have concerns).  Then in February with medication and healthier diet and some exercise my A1C read 6.1 (reason I got a hug from my doctor :)  May's reading was 7.1.  I felt blessed.  I have gotten my movement back up but let my eating slip for lots of reasons. Also a three pound weight gain from my Feb visit which isn't horrible for three months but then I also know that I had lost five to six pounds before the gain.  Which equals an eight to nine pound gain.  And honestly I had weighed myself a couple of weeks ago and had been up another four pounds.  So really there had been a 12 - thirteen pound weight gain.  Ouch!  But I lost four of those pounds which equaled a three pound gain on my doctor's charts.  I was very honest with my doctor that it was a diet issue most likely and let's not up the medication yet. She agreed but I promised better results in August.  Which means although the Fried Green Tomatoes were tasty they will not become a staple in our household.  For some of my choices the numbers (weight, A1C, blood pressure) could have been worse but I received a slight gift and I just need to get back on track. I think one of the big differences between visits is that  in October I was terrified.  That doctor visit was a huge wake up call!  And I took the process seriously which opened the door to great results - four point drop in my A1C and a 16 pound weight loss.  The numbers weren't in my favor but then I also hadn't put forth nearly as much of the effort. 

Small steps I have taken to ensure more success.  Taking my blood sugar more regularly.  Packing healthier snacks (I have honey roasted peanuts packed in snack bags according to actual serving size and sandwich bags of popcorn). Its somewhat working to have healthier options at the fingertips as I was hungry and grabbed some edamame (soybeans) instead of chowing down chips, candy, or other treats that I tend to take by the fistful instead of by the serving.  Also there are sliced strawberries and yellow peppers to eat plain, mix with some yogurt (just the strawberries on this one), or drop in a salad.  And I am back to accepting nothing less than 7000 steps on the pedometer hoping for more but that is my bottom out number.  Which means I fell asleep on the recliner two nights ago at 6000 steps and woke up and walked my last 1000 steps before actually retiring to bed.  Its the little choices that make a big difference.  I can't do it all in a day, but I can do something right now to keep me motivated and on track.

May your HealthFULL Journey share the wake up calls when you need them, encouragement when you're struggling, and applause for a success whether it be big or small because all successful steps lead to the big prize of you living as your best and healthiest version. 'Til we meet again. . .

Poblano? No Problemo!

Do you like spicy food?  I used to say yes to this question.  And growing up in the Northern Midwest where it truly is the land of meat and potatoes I think I can be considered as a person who likes spicy food considering I enjoy MILD salsa :)  However, I fell in love with a Louisiana boy who knows the difference between Cajun and Creole and enjoys eating level 10 Blazin Hot Wings for sport and flavor.  In this perspective No I do not like spicy food and am a bland wimp - but loud and proud! I don't need to prove my taste buds by burning them numb. That being said I do try to let my hubby enjoy spicier foods and slowly build my tolerance level. 

Well last night I attempted to make turkey chili from scratch (a can opener may have been involved) and I have made turkey chili before.  However, I have to confess I tend to grab two or three recipes that I enjoy the flavors listed and then throw whatever I want in a pot.  This works out sometimes.  But by this approach it is very difficult to recreate meals that we enjoyed.  But I attempted it.  I realized we were running out of days in the week and still hadn't tried our new produce of the week.  Usually, I let the produce call out my name in the hunt and work a meal around it.  However it being Saturday night and Turkey chili was up on the menu I looked for what would work in this dish.  I came up with a pepper could be a good addition.  This led me to either the anaheim or the poblano.  Can you guess which one I picked (Hint: Check out the title of this blog ;)  

Did you guess poblano?  You have amazing insight!  The rich dark green color of this poblano made me believe this would have a depth of flavor and possibly some deep heat.  It did not.  It was extremely mild (remember this is coming from a lady who enjoys MILD salsa for some heat - so please believe me when I say this is a mild pepper).  Appearance wise this pepper is HUGE!  You may see it in your grocery store also as a pasilla pepper or when dried it becomes an ancho chili.  Good chances you can find this pepper in most grocery stores. 

I was hoping to actually pick a pepper (say that three times fast :)  that had some kick to cut through the tomato flavor and bean hardiness.  The poblano was tasty but definitely didn't add that kick.  I would have thrown in some of the seeds had I cut into the second one.  But as I started to simmer my turkey chili - the phone was ringing, my pets were demanding food, and my little one who desperately needing a bath (I won't say how many days have passed since he saw the tub :)  and was rummaging in every drawer and dropping pans I decided the second pepper would have to be chopped another day!  The flavor of the raw pepper was a cross between a green pepper and cucumber - very mellow with a distinctive punch.  I read on some web articles (like Wikipedia) that the green poblano is USUALLY mild but occasionally throws the unprepared consumer a surprise heat bomb. 

Our next attempt with the poblano peppers might have to be as a stuffed pepper.  They have a great size with a sturdy flesh to hide a yummy meal inside.  Also with their mild flavor they will add to the meal some spice without burning your tongue and a beautiful color for presentation.

If you are looking to step outside your kitchen comforts and spice things up without walking too far on the wild side definitely try the poblano.  Like I said I will definitely try another recipe or two.  It did well being diced and tossed in our turkey chili. But next time I will work more towards the poblano's natural strengths (size and color) which means a stuffed pepper is in our family's near future.

May your HealthFULL Journey keep your days spicy and your nights mild! 'Til we meet again. . . 

It only takes a Spark

Do you know that good ol' campfire song? 

It only takes a spark - to get a fire going. 

That’s how it is with God’s love
Once you’ve experienced it,

you spread His love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

 (I believe this is title Pass It On written by Kurt Kaiser - great song - lots of memories singing it :)

I had the best of intentions to write two other blog entries before this one.  But life happened and quickly passed.  I was going to share some of my struggles in a post titled Derailed and then the next one was to be more upbeat how sometimes we need to "Drop Everything for a Hug" sharing some of my parenting joys and letting go of some of the chores for more smiles both from me and my son.  But as hours passed and now we are on a new day overflowing with joy.  That I just had to share where I was today. 

First last night I actually went out with a friend - no hubby, no toddler,  but me as Suzy with no other titles or responsibilities other than to be present.  It was amazing!  To laugh, to talk UNinterrupted in more than two word sentences, and to actually eat when the food was still hot.  I don't do this a lot.  As you probably guessed by my enthusiasm.  But when I do carve away that time I wonder why I don't do it more often. And then as I head home with excitement and feeling rebooted to spend time with  my guys I remember how much I do love to spend time with them - chores and everything :)  But we do need that break to refresh, maybe it's time alone, maybe a creative project, maybe work, maybe a night out with friends, or maybe a chance to give back.  We are intelligent human beings who crave stimulation.  We need opportunities that feed our senses and if we keep ourselves in the same patterns and environments it is hard to stimulate those senses.  However, once we hit refresh on those senses we can come back to our "daily lives" with new perspective - which in the end can change any or everything!  

So after my enjoyable evening (which I have to brag about my hubby not only being a good sport about taking on single parent duties, but also my biggest cheerleader to encourage this much needed girl time.); it was to be an early morning this gorgeous Saturday.  Again my fantastic hubby took on playing the parental role solo so that I could attend a charity/awareness event.  As you may know one of my 1 resolutions for this year was to participate at least monthly with purpose with a new charity.  I really debated if I wanted to walk/stroll this community event "Race for Adoption" to raise awareness about adoption.  It was only a 5k and we've enjoyed the last couple we've participated.  But after prayer and a lot of thought I decided that it would be fun and different to actually volunteer for the event, not just be a participant. 

The race started at nine in the morning, but volunteers were requested to be there between seven thirty and eight.  Oooh!  Not that I wouldn't be up by that time but dressed and ready to help not a very typical Saturday morning.  These are usually good jammy mornings for my son and I.  But I arrived around 7:40 and looked around for the gathering spot.  I found the man in charge who put me in contact with the guy with the clipboard.  That should have been my first clue that he was the best guy to talk to.  What is it about clipboards?   Don't they make everyone look so organized and official?  I was assigned Turnpoint 2.  That's how early I was for sign-ups :)  What was so great about this position?  You got to see the participants early in the run and then close to the end of the race as this was one of two spots they passed twice.  Me and my turnpoint partner felt it was our volunteer duty to not only point out the way but cheer and applaud with enthusiasm :)  I am sure some of the participants appreciated our effort, I'm also sure some were annoyed but probably not as much as the people who lived in the houses near where we stood.  But I felt moved to applaud for so many reasons.

It was such a blessing to see people of all ages, sizes, and health ranges participate.  I think there were close to 280 runners/walkers for a first time event.  Pretty impressive.  It was inspiring to see the parents out pushing their newborns and toddlers in double-strollers,  people who are struggling with weight ( I know that fight well!!!) but still out there giving it their all, people who are grandparents still finishing the race of three miles under thirty minutes (I couldn't do that!), and those runners who run daily (and you can tell) and are graceful and impressive, there were teenagers chatting it up, solo walkers who might have been praying or meditating.  But all together just a beautiful sight and opportunity to people watch.  This was real reality tv :)  Guards down and people just doing their thing using different sources of motivation. 

These people without trying were so motivating I got home feeling just pumped.  It was still a tish downcast but gorgeous and I grabbed my son, his stroller, and our dancing dog.  Our dog just gets so excited at the appearance of an impending walk.  And together my little trio walked about a mile and a half.  This is usually our stroll around the neighborhood but after seeing everyone come together and compete or stroll according to their skills and mindset; I just had to get outside and walk.  I also decided that next year especially if they hold this same event.  I am going to be a participant and not walk (well the whole way :) . I may not run/race the whole way but I do want to finish the three miles in under thirty minutes.  That's my goal and I want to be held accountable.  In one year's time I am going to finish a 5k in less than thirty minutes. I can do this.  So thank you runners for inspiring me.

It only takes a spark!  You can be that spark!  I believe this is a quote of Theodore Roosevelt's I love it so much I wrote it twice in my Bible - "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

There is no time like right now to share your inner glow :)

May your HealthFULL Journey offer you ample opportunities to refresh so that you can be that spark to motivate others.  'Til we meet again. . . 

   



Are you just here? Or are you present?

If you have ever read FISH written by Stephen C. Lundin, Harry Paul, and John Christensen) you probably already know that there is a definite difference between being "here" and being present.  A good chunk of the recent years I have been just here (or there :)  but not really present.  I think this is why I have felt like it has been effort some of these days to take this HealthFULL Journey.  I was tired of just being here and not present.

My body would go and fulfill my responsibilities to work, family, and friends.  But rarely was I truly engaged.  I was busy disappearing into the past of good memories, painful lessons, and rehashing relationships and moments that slipped through my fingers for a variety of reasons.  Occasionally I would motivate myself enough to engage myself into lists for the future - some short term and some long term.  But rarely did anyone have my full attention; especially myself.  As I was checking out I was killing myself with food and little to no activity.

Its why FULL stands for Fully Understanding Life by Living.  I wasn't engaging life, I was barely showing up.  As I have taken my sweet time on the scenic route of this journey - I feel some of these days I feel like I am driving 90 mph (and when I was a teenager I received two speeding tickets that prove I know what that feels like - not bragging about that fact just full disclosure).  I feel overwhelmed. I feel thrilled.  I feel joy.  I feel needed. I feel alive.  People come to me with questions.  As I faded into the background those years not too far back few questions nor comments came my way.  A zombie like fill-in doesn't tend to have much enthusiasm to attract people nor seem very wise with their empty stare and the occasional frown. 

I write this entry because I am looking back in my rearview mirror at someone who wasn't living and though I was numb to hurt which I feel is one of the reasons I had shut-down - its only a temporary solution that freezes us out of own lives and out of the lives of those we care about.  Our society seems to be losing control as few and fewer people want to pick up the reins of responsibility.  Honestly, how many households have the discussion what/where should we eat and it last for twenty plus minutes?  And rarely is that a lively debate kind of discussion but a lazy conversation where nobody wants to make the final decision.  Within a week if you have a twenty minute conversation about where/what to eat for supper - that wastes over two plus hours.  For something all of us have to do typically three times a day.  That means it is a possible seven hour time - waster to stall on a weekly basis about what we should eat!  That's insane.  I admit we have that same discussion around here. 

Not only do we waste time, avoid responsibility, but we grab minute details to fixate on and lose the big picture of the moment.  We go to a restaurant as a form of ease and entertainment.  We go to socialize but we get caught up in the minor details.  You can have a good conversation at a restaurant - it is possible.  But rare.  As a family or a group you will have the server interrupt your meal on average five to seven times.  That halts the conversation.  That is kind of hard to have anyway as people are far apart usually and then surrounded by other conversations.  You certainly don't want to shout private news - so that leaves small talk.  It is easy at the dinner table to focus on your meal and be there in the group but not really present as you catch the server to criticize your meal or request a speedier service.  

I write this post heavy on my heart that many of us could find more ways to be involved in our own lives.  Find activities that bless your mind, spirit, and body.  Reach out to community charities.  Sign up for a church function.  The world is crying out for us to take responsibility and engage in our own lives.  But when we're "just here" we miss the cry of those in pain.  When we're just here we miss the laughter of those living in the moment.  When we're just here we miss too much.  But when we're present - no mental lists, no flashbacks of recent arguments, no antagonizing games of "what if" - but really present we are blessed ten-fold -We learn, we connect, we live!

Be present so that you can know this kind of goodness:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. " --Philippians 4:8

May you be present in your life - engaging with those around you and able to offer a helping hand when called. 'Til we meet again. . .

My O My Papaya

My O My Puh-PIE-ya !

We did it!!! I am embarrassed to admit we have bought at least four papayas that sit on top of our fridge or in our fridge and ALL of them went uneaten :(  But this week we committed ourselves to trying fresh papaya and the verdict is - eh!  It wasn't bad but I don't need to rush out and buy more today. 

I wanted to like this fruit - a lot!  First off say the word - papaya (puh-PIE-ya).  Isn't that fun?  And the fruit looks fun.  Its kind of big, not watermelon big - but good size.  It starts off a pretty green - think watermelon green.  And then you cut into this fruit and it has the coolest looking seeds inside.  They are perfectly singular and look like squishy BBs.  Their black color stands out very distinctively from the mellow salmon color background.  I have heard great things about these seeds - WHEN dried out.  They take on a peppery flavor that goes great with sweet dishes or a good rub for meat.  So I've been told.  But as a word of warning that must be their flavor when they're dry.  My experience as they were fresh from the newly sliced papaya was that they tasted like a squishy bitter caper - tangy with a nail polish remover bitter aftertaste.  Not all that yummy - to me at least.  And perhaps the size of a papaya made me reminisce about tough produce to slice in half or peel (Turban squash, anyone?).  This was not the case as my knife slid through very easily and the peeler slid smoothly removing the peel from around the fruit.

My initial taste of the papaya was mushrooms.  Now I admitted to my husband what I am admitting to you.  I might have picked up on the taste of what was cooking in our kitchen as I was disecting and investigating our new fruit of the week. In our kitchen cooking was the fixings for steak fajitas with red bell pepper, onions, sirloin tip, and nice thick portabella mushrooms.  YUM is the right word for this.  So there is a tasty aroma floating around me that at first covered up the mild flavor of the papaya.  Because I love mushrooms but a fruit the color of papaya shouldn't taste like them.  After a new consensus between both mine and my husband's palette we agreed the fruit tasted more like a cantaloupe.  This made more sense in my mind.  What would you do with a papaya?

We saw great recipes online - some cooking, some raw, but honestly we tended to be missing out on key ingredients.  For instance in a few recipes I found the ingredient - jaggery.  Ummm I have no idea what this is.  So with my line of logic I had to assume we did not have any jaggery in the house.  There were great tropical salads, and dessert goods, and more salads (lots of salads!) but a lot wanted to include fresh coconut and other tropical goodies that again aren't in our house as I looked up the recipe.  And as we were less than an hour away from dinner I was trying to keep ingredients local like within my own kitchen local :)  I decided to go the blender route.

Again I should stress I am not really a cook nor a chef nor a person with kitchen talent.  Another reason I married my fabulous hubby who keeps me from losing my way and keeps my tummy full.  He is great in a kitchen (So great I really would love for him to become a professional chef - but then he probably wouldn't want to cook for me and our son as that is what he would do all day at work- which means cereal anyone? :) 

So after that tangent you are probably thinking anyone can use a blender.  Oh how I chortle in your general direction.  My blender and I have had several catastrophic messes.  And I may have used the wrong part here or there.  So as I am assembling our three piece blender (base, container with blade attached, and top) I did ask my husband at least twice if I was putting it together right.  A lot of our time together is having this exact conversation -

He laughs a big laugh.  I ask "What?" His response always includes a shaking of the head and the one-word response "You".  I still to this day don't really understand how his response answers my question.  But I chuckle for the conclusion and we carry on with our activity.

So now I have the blender together.  We are missing a key ingredient pineapple.  There are only four ingredients and we are missing one.  But we forge ahead.  We toss in our peeled papayas in small chunks and two diced bananas and a dash of milk.  This was okay as a smoothie kind of drink but lacked a little bite.  Bananas and papayas were both mild flavors and then so is milk.  We added about eight - ten strawberries with a sprinkle of cinnamon.  The strawberries added a touch of sweetness and sour and the hopes were that the cinnamon would add a little warmth.  Still not quite the taste we were looking for so we added two capfuls of lemon juice to bring out a bit of the bite and a bit more milk to smooth out the texture.  It was okay.  I would like to try it with coconut milk and pineapple next time to give it more the tropical flavor and also maybe yogurt to give it a smoother consistency.

But the big news is my o my we ate papaya :)  It is always fun to spend time in the kitchen and tackle the new produce item.  Because there is nothing like learning about food firsthand.  Don't be afraid to try new flavors - new techniques - at worse you may not eat your five dollar purchase.  But will definitely learn your money's worth about what works and what doesn't for your palette and possibly your self esteem :)  Its one thing to read a recipe, see a cooking show, but nothing like getting your hands dirty, giving it the ol' college try, and hopefully having fun!

May your HealthFULL journey offer you wisdom and laughter through experience, attempts, and successful endeavors. 'Til we meet again. . .   

March for Babies One - by - One Hurrah!

Resting in the NICU

We marched as a family for our Early Bugs at this year's March for Babies this past Saturday.  Do you have flashbacks?  Those smells, those sounds, those pictures that in tv land make everything go swirly as you reattach to your past.  The memories flow from your heart to your brain and you've faded from the present world.  No longer do you hear the radio, the tv, or even the person sitting three feet away.  You are busy living in the past.  I bundled my memories of the NICU into a little present and rarely open the package.  Its overwhelming.  Maybe I am a tish scared, a bit angry, and yet overwhelmed with love and gratitude and feeling blessed. 

My sister-in-law made a fabulous t-shirt of my niece (born at 24 1/2 weeks and 1 lb. 6 oz) and my son (born at 29 weeks and 3 lb 11 oz.).  The t-shirt had them sitting next to each other at his baptism and then side by side a picture of each of them within the first few hours of their life which means they were in the NICU.  The sight of them side by side overloaded my heart as memories of their first days, weeks, months rushed through my thoughts.  So many emotions rocked through my body and the only release was tears. 

The NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) is like another world.  You are buzzed into this semi lit huge room after scrubbing your arms down and as the doors shut all of the "world" problems - bills, politics, relationships, duties, chores, responsibilities tend to disappear.  There is no nice fade - out they just don't matter.  What matters is that tiny tiny person teaching all of us the importance, the challenge, the blessings, and the love that exists in that precious moment.  The beeps in the outside world that would drive me CRAZY with annoyance.  But here in the special world of the NICU - offer reassurance because they are telling us the answers all about our son to our questions that he can't ever answer.  Its a world where nurses tend to have one to two patients as there are so many needs to fill because the patients are so fragile.  And the best reward is when you are allowed to hold your child.  There are so many fears (germs, oxygen levels, blood pressure, pulse, weight, feeding, R.O.P. and the list rattles on forever) but when that permission is granted and you can just bond with your child as you dreamed of upon learning the news you were going to be a parent.  Your heart bursts and your body fills with warmth and the world goes quiet.  I never take a cuddle with my son for granted. 

He's doing amazing.  And his journey was less chaotic than so many of his roommates.  Its why we still support the March of Dimes as a family.  We know that the research is teaching us about ways to prevent prematurity and other birth defects and also to guide us to protect and provide for those that are born with a challenge.  I don't know what its like to leave the NICU and know your child won't see their nursery that you lovingly planned and set up.  But I pray for these parents who do. 

Our Early Bugs!!!

We walked as a family over 10000 steps (according to my pedometer).  We raised $625.00 of our $750.00 goal (you can still donate at www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1731408 if you would like to help us reach it or even better SURPASS our goal).  We took pictures and we spent time walking side by side and being grateful for two preamature babies who are running us ragged as toddlers.  And all of us couldn't be more delighted!

May your HealthFULL Journey swirl in with those precious memories that remind you where you've been and motivates you to healthier choices of your future journey FULL of Health.

'Til we meet again. . .

Not my finest hour

Not my finest hour

Oh, the grumbling stomach holds such power!

And then leads me to not my finest hour;

But was my stomach uttering a grumble?

Or was it more a mumble?

So instead I allowed my taste buds

To taste and taste seeking out the duds.

Seeking out the dud flavors for an excuse to eat more

And more and more until my tummy mumbles too full and very sore!

Calorie after calorie slips down my throat.

Each nibble receiving a vote

but tough competition as there was much to compare

No counting calories today - I wouldn't even dare.

But feeling frustrated and today was looking like a big fail

Lets measure the damage and step on the scale

Oooooh worse than I feared

My eyes sort of teared

This week I felt a bit lazy

and then today ate crazy!

I admit today was not my finest hour.

It would be so easy to find a corner and just cower,

But in the end that won't do much good.

So, I realize my choices and accept my mood.

Let's pick up and plan to do better - starting now!

Understand that not every moment is a wow;

But that every second can hold hope.

With that kind of thinking I can cope.

Today was not my finest hour,

But with a little focus I can regain my power.

Which means time to gather my pep,

And move forward towards health - step by step. 

I wrote this little rhyme because today I snacked and munched like there was no tomorrow.  And if I continue to eat like I did there will be fewer and fewer tomorrows.  That's a pretty sobering thought.  I told myself I was hungry but my stomach more than once said - NO MORE!  And the scale wasn't kind.  But I needed that tough love today.  If someone doesn't exercise and doesn't eat right the scale isn't bound by the rules of friendship.  So I am getting organized, minimizing the chaos, and hiring myself a trainer.  Well maybe not hiring but letting my 18 month old share his wisdom as he finds the fun and play in being active and also acting as my mirror 24/7 with his mimicking ways.  Today wasn't my finest hour but tomorrow will be lots better :)

May your HealthFULL journey highlight your weaknesses so that you can improve them.  May your HealthFULL journey also display your strengths.  Because everyone has both - and it is the wise people who learn to use both. 'Til we meet again. . . 

And then there was Sunshine

Its hard to remember the warmth and the light of the sun when you are caught in a dark threatening thunderstorm.  Its frustrating to feel trapped and that any and every step will get you drenched or put you at risk.  And then the rain stops, the lightening and thundering fade, and clouds part and there it is -the sun; bright and ready to shine.

I get the momentum and everything is clicking on the healthfull journey and then lightening storms pop up.  Colds and their icky symptoms flood our household.  We throw away our routines on vacation.  And the locomotive of health stops in its tracks and retreats.  I tried really hard to stay on track with at least being active on our vacation.  We didn't even go to the beach and still played outside.  This has not always been true for us.  But we found two awesome playgrounds to have our whole family engaged.  But as I admitted I ate the opposite of healthy in New Orleans - but their food is so good and rich (if you choose their delicious sauces and such - and I DID!).  So I kept up with half of the healthy lifestyle.  Well before I corrected my eating habits - I got hit with the big old cold that drains energy and had me walking less and less....and less!  And the eating not improving so I started to feel threatened that I would never catch my locomotive of health.  So with purpose and thought I would dig in my heels and force myself baby steps.  I am back drinking soda but not the three - four cans a day.  I bought Coke Zero in 7.5 oz can.  And I am trying to allow myself up to one a day.  1 and half days in and I have had two.  So we'll see.  I got myself back to walking after a couple of days rest for the cold.  And I felt the break I took as I attempted our big hill and started pushing myself mentally mailbox to mailbox (there are eight on one side of the big hill :)   And today I ran a couple of quick errands.  The two both could be ran via drive thru.  Because its convenient I tend to use this advantage.  But I figured this is an easy extra two hundred steps I can choose to take.  The world is making it easier and easier to be lazy.  We have to make a commitment to make decisions to be active in our own lives.  Don't get me wrong that I will NEVER again use a drive -thru but when I have time then I need to remind myself this is a choice I can make to add years to my life by taking three extra minutes here and now. 

Its easy to get lost in those dark clouds.  But I promise you if you seek the sunshine you will eventually see past those threatening clouds. 

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." - Proverbs 15:13

May your heart and body be healed on your own HealthFULL Journey when you seek the SONshine and that His light and warmth protect you from those threatening dark cloud kind of days. 'Til we meet again. . .

Pearly Vine

We just had a wonderful family vacation.  And I could have made healthier choices but opted for indulgence.  In the moment indulgence is divine - but the aftermath not as fun.  I feel overstuffed, overcrowded, and out of sorts.  But when one is in New Orleans there are many yummy temptations and I tended to fall for everyone.  However we are back home and back on the healthfull track!!! Routines, familiar ground, and cozy comforts are within easy reach!  Our first matter of business was to have healthy produce at the ready which also meant produce of the week!  We spent the afternoon shopping after my son and I had a sleep in morning do to our vacation colds - BOO!  One of our quick purchases of today was pearl tomatoes on the vine from Trader Joe's. (love this place!!!)  For supper my husband baked a beautiful salmon, with roasted brussel sprouts (my fave - honest to goodness one of the best finds of our new produce of the week - definitely a staple around here!!!) and dirty rice.  I am not the biggest fan of dirty rice.  I enjoy it but feel it really doesn't satisfy me as an entree and rarely can think of a good meal where it can play side dish.  Tonight's dinner worked.  And to sweeten up dirty rice which texturally can be a little heavy and "dark" tasting.  I chose to just dice up the tomatoes real quick and threw one into my rice and delicious.  It added a sweetness and a bright note to the heavy side dish.  This is a great find for me.  Because I have an odd palate when it comes to tomatoes.  I like tomato based sauces but not a fan of just the tomato (unless of course it is Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales in that instance - HUGE FAN!!!) .  I find a lot of tomatoes to be sour, sometimes bitter.  I like them as thin slices on a burger or the sweet little bombs in a salad.  But salsa, spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce, and of course ketchup - delicious!  There are just few tomatoes though that taste yummy out of the gate for me.  These pearl tomatoes on the vine were a great note to the supper.  They added a touch of sweetness, a dash of sour, and just lifted the heavy side dish. 

Also it is nice to add a fruit/vegetable to the mix without too much fuss.  That's when it becomes difficult to broaden our tastes.  If the healthy alternative costs too much, requires too much effort, or just tastes nasty we let the excuses and the negativity turn us off and choose the familiar junk food because its cheap, easy, and we have convinced ourself tasty (which if you turn off the tv, close your eyes and really focus on the choices we eat - you will be shocked how little you like most of those comfort choices.  I have been - (but still am guily of reaching for these items out of simple familiarity)!
However I try to focus on the positive.  I may stall out.  I sometimes even take three steps backward.  But I remind myself every moment I can do better.  If I lose my footing and trail three steps - I need to try to push myself forward at least four steps and take no less than three.  Little by little as the Little Engine that could proved I think I can I think I can eventually will turn into I did it -  I did it!!!

So lets crush these tomatoes and improve our health together.  Don't let the vines tangle you but carry you closer to your goals.  May your HealthFULL journey be full of pearls of wisdom, precious gems, and the occasional irritant that turns beautiful with a little extra effort. 'Til we meet again. . .

Strides for Autism

Do you know someone who is personally affected by Autism?  Or do you know a family member of someone who falls on the sprectrum?  The chances are very likely in today's day and age. Once upon a time, around 1950, the prevalence of autism was estimated 1 in 10,000 people were diagnosed with autism.  The numbers of today for children in the United States : 1 in 88.  Do you know 10,000 people?  Probably not - at least on a personal level.  Do you know 88 people?  Probably several times over without too much effort.  There are tons of reasons these numbers have greatly changed.  We are becoming more aware - but we also need to take a more active approach in research to help reduce the causation factors and also learn how we can support our friends and family affected by life on the spectrum.  Its not easy to classify in a neat description.  But those who live with autism themselves or within their households realize that it changes everything.  You may have seen the awareness ribbons - quite attractive with the bright colors that look like puzzle pieces.  Here is a great site that displays the ribbon and description : http://www.autism-society.org/about-us/puzzle-ribbon.html .

I like to walk for so many reasons.  But sometimes it is good to have goals.  So every year I try to pick at least one cause or several to raise funds and get out there to move.  A reminder to myself that health really is a blessing, one many of us take for granted too often - until we get a cold, a flu, or those dreaded test results or a frightening diagnosis.  A diagnosis our catch 22 in life.  We want validation when we see a doctor, a medical professional, a specialist.  We like that a diagnosis points us in a direction and hopefully comes with a cure.  But sometimes, especially after our patience has been tried, too much pain felt, confusion abounding and frustration burying us we finally receive our long awaited diagnosis.  And sometimes when we finally hear "the official word" we want to return it because ignorance seems a better alternative.  Because the diagnosis was too scary.  Too much unknown.  Or too well known with little success rates.  Perhaps its manageable but not curable.  Or if curable a hard unrelenting uphill battle.  These are our friends and families who need support the most.  Many of you might identify cancer with these examples.  And absolutely that C-word is a dreadful word to hear.  But a diagnosis of autism can also feel this way.  It can bury a family in depression.  Thats why we need to continue to fight together and support each other.  We waste too much energy in blame and pointing fingers, even sometimes bullying to separate ourselves from responsibility or a little extra work. 

It doesn't take much to help in most instances.  A kind word.  A listening ear.  A few dollars out of many pockets. An extra look to see how you can personally use your talents to help.  At the walk today they called in a fun run.  Along the path were little activities to "spice" up the walk.  Touch your nose.  Bunny hop. Spin around.  Smile bigger.  Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily activities, daily lives, daily duties that we forget to take that extra minute and spin our children.  To offer a silly grin.  Seconds these take to brighten a whole afternoon for both you and whoever you're with.  I challenge you to look for extra signs in your day on how to brighten someone else's day which in turn (I guarantee!!!) will also brighten your own.

I thank you all so much for the prayers, the support, and the donations the Strides for Autism today at Heritage Park in Simpsonville, SC was a great success.  There was a good turn-out.  Some great fun (including a Zumba work-out) and a beautiful song written by a father with a child who falls on the Autism spectrum. 

We still would love to meet our goal and you can still donate online at: https://scautism.org/strides/team/3/

Puzzles abound,

Mysteries swirl,

And sometimes frustration grows!

But yet, there are moments so precious,

that steal your breath;

because for one minute

we glimpse their world.

We meet where there is purity.

Where there is no confusion

and everything makes sense.

There are a lot of smiles,

perhaps a few cheers,

and only tears of delight.

But then all too quickly

someone closes the curtains

and the light dims.

And though we are are near each other

we no longer can communicate.

So. . . we start again!

We work with hope.

We work with determination

because even if all we share is a moment---

It was a moment too precious

too important

too special to miss!!!

Join us in our fight for autism

to unlock the puzzles that silences these precious gems.

Help us to help them.

Help us to share their story.

Help them to be their best version.

And help the world be better because of what we ALL can offer.

May your healthfull journey lead you to places beyond your craziest dreams and happiest fantasies. 'Til we meet again. . .

P.S. If you like the picture of autism awareness I found it at http://www.cafepress.com/kcgraphics/2318994 with a lot of amazing images and merchandise for sale.

Tresses that were full of Stresses

Oh when I put on my Supermom Jeans I felt powerful and energetic.  After cutting my hair I felt like a brand-new woman!!! The tresses had to go.  I haven't had a proper haircut in two years, maybe a quick trim - two at the most.  That's a lot of time and a lot of damaged hair that held too many stresses.  My hair was the longest it had ever been.  As a society I believe we have taught many people that long hair usually equals a pretty factor.  That there is pride in our locks and it shows we have willpower and patience to grow out our hair.  Or people like me who just don't get around to the hairdresser.  Believe me this haircut is long overdue and been on the to-do list for at least six months.  My poor fantastic hubby patiently listened to every one of my complaints, whines, outbursts about this too long of hair.  He listened as I yakked about how I pulled my hair (accidentally) and my son pulled on my hair (for sport), how the chairs would tug my hair and I would wake-up with headaches as I continually gave myself whiplash as I would roll over my hair and then try to pull my head up.  Argh!  And finally it was time.  I called, I made an appointment and slashed it off my to do list.  The stylist cut my hair within five minutes of my arrival and as soon as that scissor snipped my hair - angels sang and I smiled the mega-watt smile. 

Because it wasn't just hair she cut.  She helped my de-stress the tresses.  That hair held heartache and worry as I would run my hands through my hair as I sang and whispered to my son in the NICU so many months ago.  Those abandoned strands held pain and frustration as I tugged it into a messy bun after my hair being pulled yet again by one of the many sources.  Those locks were loaded with guilt as I hid my face behind them in hopes to fade away from the world.  There were some dark moments these last two years and those hairs held every memory of sadness, every second of anger, and every instance of worry.  It held no joy because I keep that in my heart :)  But the tresses were stressed and therefore became more stress.

Last night I slept like a baby as I drifted into the land of slumber roughly nine o'clock.  Which is crazy unheard of behavior from me.  Which meant I woke up early with energy.  Not anger or frustration at the early rising but well rested and headache free.  I was able to be at my daily goal of seven thousand steps before ten am as I had a work-out with the Bollywood Burn (newest dvd from the library ) and yes it did burn.  I haven't worked-out besides walking in far too long of time.  Good time to mix things up since I was a brand new me :)  Then unto a walk with one of my favorite guys and canine :)  Then for an encore this afternoon I was back to raking.  I did a small section with my supermom jeans but without my stressful tresses I was able to conquer 2/3 of the yard.  Yay! 

Hair does tell a story.  I love how a seasoned hair stylist can read your lifestyle by the state of your tresses.  As we were deciding on cut and color (as I felt two years without a haircut meant there was room to splurge :)  my stylist mentioned how I could pull off a lighter blonde as I had light hair as a kid.  I did.  But I thought that shade was long gone but she knew.  She could tell how many countless tugs of ponytails and buns my hair experienced.  But my hair was telling a different story that I no longer wanted to co-author.  My tresses were displaying all my stresses and resentment and hurt and on and on.  But these days I have a pep to my step and a sappy to my happy :)  It was time to share that story with the world.  Thank you tresses for being a long for the ride - but in the nicest way possible - GOOD RIDDANCE!

May your HealthFULL Journey eliminate the stresses,  polish the tresses, and make you feel like a more joyful energized brand new version of yourself. 'Til we meet again. . .

A Fruit and a Root

I haven't posted our new produce but we have still been sampling a nutritious variety of yummy treats.  I tried a real exotic fruit last week - an apple.  Stop the crazy train, right?  :)  Yes I have had an apple a time or two in my life but not this variety called Lady Alice apples.  It sounded intriguing - it does have a royal title which must mean its impressive, right?  I thought so.   I really like Golden Delicious apples with its bright yellow skin and not as crisp flesh and a nice mild flavor - a tad sweet, very little tart, and comforting, especially with some peanut butter.  I mentioned all this because the Lady Alice apple shares a few similarities. For instance, if you see a Lady Alice apple it looks like a Golden but with a warm pink blush.  And the size just fits the palm of my hand.  The peel feels firm but not like armor (nor a candle - but sadly I have tried an apple or two that couldn't boast the same :( .  I enjoyed this variety and kept the snack real simple.  I cut it up and ate it with almond butter.  For years I have listened to some family members and friends really talk up the Honeycrisp variety.  This is a good stand - in.  I find some Honeycrisp apples to be quite large - I want a snack not a whole pie from one fruit.  Also some of the apples are REALLY sweet and when I find something REALLY sweet - thats almost scary!  So sweet you pucker your lips kind of sweet.  I also have found near the end of their season that Honeycrisp tends to be near flavorless, almost blah.  What's great about a Lady Alice apple is they take awhile to brown - you can enjoy your whole snack and it still be the white crispy slice you cut thirty minutes prior.  Also this is the perfect season for the Lady Alice to make her royal appearance; where most apples are in season during fall Lad Alice is perfectly right and ripe for Spring.  Easy go to snack at hopefully your grocer's.  I also leaned towards almond butter as peanut butter would compete against the apple's own sweetness.  Yummy!

Now unto the root.  Roots in the produce aisle look scary with their gnarliness and dirty exterior but when peeled and prepared they are so tender and delicious.  So this week we tackled the *pound piano* celery root!  These roots can be quite large and in charge.  But a great addition to a roast.  At least that's how we prepared it and loved it!  I am not a huge celery fan.  But its not really the flavor I mind - its the strings and texture.  Raw celery not a fan! But roasted or sauteed celery - quite enjoyable.  One string or snap and I'm done with it.   So celery root quite a nice find.  We had planned a roast for Monday in the crockpot.  Filling meal without too much hassle.  Monday around here we both had to get up early and work all day.  Who wants to mess with dishes after a long day?  So we were going to prep the veggies Sunday night and in the morning would just toss in the roast and turn the knob.  Simple, right?  Sort of.  We both hit that evening lull where you are just ready for bed.  And cutting vegetables sounded like such a chore.  But in all honesty ten minutes from gathering - rough chop and quick clean-up.  We quartered a couple of potatoes, chunked a big onion, and tackled the celery root.  It looks hard to deal with it.  But really a quick rinse and the peel is not tough at all.  Because the surface area tends to be good size you don't have to worry about nooks and crannies like a sunchoke or the tough exterior of the turban squash (I still get tense about that ordeal!!!) . Quick peel and you can immediately smell the celery aroma.  Its flesh has tinges a spring green that peek through the peel but a creamy white inside (closely resembling a potato).  I did read at www.eattheseasons.com mentioned you could eat it raw - but suggested slicing thin matchsticks and possibly blanching it quickly for a creamier texture. My hubby cut the root into cubes and we were ready for the roast.  I really liked the flavor it lended to the other vegetables and the meat.  It had such a comforting flavor - almost cinnamon like - tish sweet but more a warming spice - think warm apple cider on a chilly day.  It has been two days since we made our tasty roast but I just had yummy leftovers and the flavors only deepened.  And for any other diabetics or those seeking low carb - root vegetable but not loaded with starch (at least according to wikipedia and http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/carbcounts/a/celeriac.htm .  Great way to stretch mashed potatoes or make a creamy soup. 

Thinking spring around here but feel like I was eating autumnish :)  Its beautiful weather and we are four days away from our  Strides for Autism walk Saturday, April 14, 2012. We still would love donations to meat our $500.00 goal.  We are past the half-way point - your donation could help us meet or even surpass the goal!!! Please visit https://scautism.org/strides/team/3/ .

May your HealthFULL Journey keep you grounded to your roots but motivate you to always reach for the highest fruit :)  'Til we meet again. . .

Making Music

Out of all the Resolutions I made this year for 2012 I figured being creative would be the easiest because it would be the most fun.  I love tapping into my creative side.  It is actually the hardest to claim time.  Creative fun is great.  It speaks to my heart.  My creative endeavors used to be the activities I devoted the most time to : choir, band (flute), piano lessons, theatre (it was my college major!!!), speech, and the writing and sketching I used to do on the side.  But that was pre-adult responsibilities.  That was before Mrs. Mommy, before bills, before jobs, before life challenges.  It was a time where my biggest responsibility was to just be me and have fun and find out who I am.  Well I still am finding out who I am but the world keeps knocking at my door.  And sadly, I still keep answering. 

Another resolution I am working towards is a more organized life.  So as I worked on this goal I actually worked on the creativity resolution instead.  Life sure is funny sometimes!  One of those nagging ideas got into my head that I should give away my flute.  I had a perfect person in mind who probably could find a good home or at least a good use for an instrument that has been boxed up and hidden away for years.  I pulled out my flute to see what kind of condition it appeared to be.  I assembled the three pieces like I did many times.  It was almost a challenge to see if I still "knew" how to play and I even doubted that I would be able to recall notes.  So as my sweet son enjoyed his morning snack I played songs from the Lion King.  Sometimes stopping to sing because I just can't resist.  But surprise surprise I actually remembered how to play this instrument that I played day after day for almost eight years (well maybe not day after day - but I did claim to practice that often :) .  Shocking I know! 

As my son applauded my performance I reawakened to the joy of making music or creating art.  It fires your senses and pumps the blood through your veins just a little harder and a little faster.  Your breath increases in anticipation and then holds for the big ta-da - what would be the final product?  Oh how I have missed that purpose! That drive! That passion!  That moment where you feel you are leaving your heart wide open to whoever has time to share in the results.  The hope that somehow all your efforts will mean something to someone.  And feeling this with a couple puffs on my flute I realized I just wasn't ready to give that up quite yet. 

Before I put away my flute (hopefully for not as long as the last time) I allowed Drew a chance to "play".  He wasn't for the flute to be a flute as much as a clarinet and of course the all time favorite drums! (You can see for yourself in the pictures.)  I shared with my mom the story of how he played the flute.  She chuckled and responded with "I never imagined when we purchased that flute (twenty years ago! Crazy!!!) that your son would be playing it."

But that's life isn't it? We don't know what the ending will be.  We rarely know what's around the corner.  But we can dream.  We can work towards our dreams and enjoy the ride.  It is so important to remember that yes we have responsibilitie in life.  But we also have to remember to play, to dream, to live, to let go, and sometimes that means we need to make music. 

May your HealthFULL Journey include many rests to play, to create, to laugh, to dream, to be, and to make music whenever possible. 'Til we meet again. . .

Mrs. Mommy

My hubby Corey and I joke a lot - his sense of humor and mine just meld so we laugh and joke together a lot.  Well in one of our jokefests he started to call me Mrs. Mommy.  Which I giggled alongside him.  But the nickname has stuck in my head as quite a poignant remark.  Very rarely do I still feel Suzy for more than ten minutes at a time.  Most of the time I feel like a Mrs. or Mommy and very often a Mrs. Mommy.  As you read this it is important to know this - I count the reasons behind both of these titles my biggest blessings here on Earth.  BUT...if I am to be completely honest wasn't my dream titles (I am so proud to be both today just not what I envisions years ago).  Hear me out though. . .

Titles are funny things.  We crave them.  We work for them. We like to give them.  We as humans love labels.  They give us pecking orders. They give us futures to desire.  They give us people to dislike or at least labels to pin the blame so we don't have to face that emotion factor.  We tend to wear our titles for reasons of pride, classification, clarification, honor, and a million other reasons.  It wasn't that I didn't want to be a wife nor a mom.  I figured someday in my distant thirties I would most likely have a husband.  And perhaps a child.  But I really didn't "crave" either.  There were three titles I have shared my desire for since I was young (when thirty seemed a distant future and not a recent memory).  I wanted to Aunt Suzy (I have a theory that most people have an Uncle Bob or an Aunt Suzy - there was not extensive research and this was discovered from a small sample pool.  But most people I know have an Uncle Bob or an Aunt Suzy).  I enjoy kids.  I think they are funny, nothing makes me feel more loved than cuddling with a youngster especially singing songs together or reading and find it fascinating to join forces with their creative minds.  But I also enjoyed giving them back to their parents at the end of the day.  This sounded like a great start to following my call of being an Aunt.  (This dream did come true and I love my nieces and nephews - they are fabulous, precious, smart, creative, funny, sweet, kind, and beautiful.  I am so grateful God answered my prayers on that front!)  Another title I wanted to be was a Countess, an Italian Countess ( I <3 Italy!). I was serious about this career/lifestyle choice.  For years I hired my perfect entourage - I had court jesters, I had garbage collectors, ladies in waiting, chefs, event planner, preacher - pretty much everyone but the actual Italian Count. When I was in eighth grade we had to do research for our future career.  The guy who sat in front of me asked what I planned to be when I was a grown-up.  I said I already know but the research will be hard.  He asked me what I wanted to be.  Straight answer " A countess".  His reply "Is that like a female accountant?"  And I looked at him strangely (I now as adult realize that probably should play out the other way), but in the brief exchange I realized two things.  One) I simply had not shared my future intentions with enough people if this guy had no clue what I was talking about and Two) that not everyone saw this title as an average realistic option.   So I ended up researching my third dream title for this eighth grade research project - a Broadway stage actor.  I still haven't been to Italy (probably the best place to find an Italian Count - but I think my Louisiana Prince might get jealous :)  But I did go to school for Theatre as my major which became my minor the second time around.  I didn't make it to Broadway to perform but have performed (for money) in 5/50 states (MN, ND, MT, AK, and CA) and Canada.  So we'll call that a 1/2 title realized - 50%.  Not bad.

So you see I had what I thought were big dreams - big Suzy dreams.  But I fell in love at nineteen - not puppy love that starts off amazing and fizzles usually just as dramatic.  But to the core fell in head over heels full hearted completely committed true love.  I got married at twenty-two and became a Mrs. . .  in North Dakota.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  However, my thirteen year old version of myself saw a completely different picture - Italy was involved (which the full fantasy was to turn one of our Italian castles into an impressive internation theatre school), and my title wasn't Mrs. it would be Countess.  

And the mommy factor.  Whew!  Not that I was against having children.  It was always a future dream.  We even dreamt in our early thirties we would like to have kids.  Thats a great talk when you are twenty-four and married to a great partner.  When you're thirty and pregnant, that dream talk a little too real.  Which sounds after writing that line like we completely planned when we were having children - completely a God thing that shocked us out of the blue.  I have had a lot of friends who have had a variety of female issues and conception is difficult if not impossible (but a few of those impossibles have been PLEASANTLY BLESSED! Praise God!)  So, knowing this I figured God didn't burden my heart with desire because I honestly thought between my weight and other factors that I probably couldn't conceive at least without medical assistance.  I was terrified of the responsibility of being a mom.  As an aunt I figured I could only do minimal damage of anyone's psyche that could be repaired by their parents, selves, and God.  But complete responsibility for another human being I found that frightening to a degree I can' even verbalize.  My esteem like most areas of my life go extreme - I can do anything (like be an Italian Countess) or nothing right (which I kind of placed Mommyhood in that category for me). 

I love my son.  God granted (and my hubby helped) answer the deepest desire of my heart that I couldn't even vocalize.  I wept for days when I took my first pregnancy test (while pregnant) and it showed a negative.  I then hyperventilated when I took one three weeks later and there was a plus sign where I tried to tell my husband between hysterical tears that turned into hysterical laughter the news. In my defense, I had taken at least forty pregnancy tests in my lifetime and not once had there been a plus. Its a little surreal.  Then to really throw me off my A-game, my son was eleven weeks early.  If you know me I tend to run ten minutes late to everything and am a procrastinator to the hilt.  And my son arrives not just early - but super early!!! 

If I was to describe Suzy.  I would say she's funny, fun, playful, creative, and a bit loud.  But those words for Mrs. Mommy seem to be inappropriate.  So sometimes, I feel lost; because of this ideal image I have for Mrs. Mommy.  A woman who cares for her guys and takes care of them - perfectly.  I forget the title may change what some people call me, but not who I am.  I still am Suzy who just happens to be married to a great guy and the happiest little boy (seriously this kid giggles and smiles - ALL the time).  I try to be organized and early as Mrs. Mommy.  I try to cook, clean, and still look "relaxed".  But as I try to be Mrs. Mommy I lose a little bit of Suzy who is the one who received those titles. 

So what's in a name?  Appearance, effort, but it doesn't change the person - at least its not supposed to. So here I write as Suzy who also happens to be Mrs. Mommy.

May you earn the titles life bestows you, but never forget the person you were when you received them. 'Til we meet again. . .