I have shared directions aren't my thing. I get distracted. I rely on others to lead me. And I tell myself its because I am care-free trying to grab the most from life. That may be true but a really small truth. I get fearful of endings - I like epic movie closing credits and that last page of a book that you sit and ponder and refuse to speak for at least ten minutes. But endings to life events, goals, and the passing of loved ones - leaves me a little more than anxious. So I self-sabotage, or purposefully develop ADD, or just close my eyes and like an ostrich stick my head in the sand in hopes the world will join me and I never have to finish the "project" and actually think of a new phase. Can you relate to those moments? Have any worked for you? I didn't think so but I was hoping :) So these last couple of weeks have been my turtle withdrawing where life is overwhelming and complicated and I desperately want to fade into my shell. But I had an ah ha moment that snapped me out of the funk picking up a book and reading a few quick chapters. You can catch a quote from Next Door Savior by Max Lucado at the end of the blog. So today I resolved to pick myself up. The problem is when you gather all the pain, sadness, bitterness like a comforting shawl around your neck it takes a long while to unwind it. So I did with the help of my counselor. I cried, she unwound, and I felt pounds lighter leaving her office. Sometimes those painful triggers hide in the shadows and pounce when you get around to some spring cleaning. And while we are discussing the theme of "being lost". I also will share my sin of being a clutter bug. Well I have a toddler who has too many hiding places for little objects. I like to think he is just a sweet boy misplacing items or discoving spatial awareness and not the genius mad scientist who likes to torture mommy wasting hours upon hours looking for the daily confiscation. I remember putting an exercise DVD in the DVD Player and behold it has disappeared. I looked quite a bit the other day and gave up. So today I asked my 2 yr old the simple question. "Where did this DVD go?" He smiled, giggled, and ran away as guilty as the gingerbread man. So I lassoed him up and brought him back to the scene of the crime that I was convinced he had committed. A ha! He glanced 2 milliseconds at a spot I remember checking. But I looked more closely and you know what - Sure enough the lost DVD had been found. I was overjoyed. I did not need to pay back the library for a lost item. YAY (victory arms). And I said out loud "Isn't it amazing how good we feel once we find what we're looking for?" I'm speaking from experience - it is even more amazing how good it feels to be found when we are the one lost. Here is a little poem to share where I've been and I imagine more than one or two of you can relate!
Feeling Lost
Where have I gone?
Mentally I threw in the towel -
I yelled and screamed - “ I’m done!”
My tears fall and my heart lets out a scary howl.
But you didn’t see it.
Perhaps you saw less shimmer
But slowly I felt I was fading bit by bit
Hope felt lost, not even a glimmer.
I don’t mean to sound down
But it has felt like a cage of rain
Pouring upon my head causing a frown;
Too much effort, too much pain!
Such cruel words (my own) whipping through my mind.
It has been a struggle - no lie!
But finally the world again seems kind.
There is no more overwhelming pressure to cry.
I’ve been found!
Can you hear it?
That confident sound;
That it’s time to finally get fit.
No more drama!
No more excuses, no more whining!
It’s time to be the mama-
Time to move and eat healthy dining.
It isn’t easy to hide this large frame,
But this is life and death;
And not a game.
So starting today let’s move and gasp for breath!
I needed that time of being lost.
It makes me realize that this is a blessing to be found,
Time to let the past be past and forget the crazy cost.
Lets hit the ground running and the only loss should be -
pound by pound!
It has been a challenging time. I've started seminary, back on full schedule soda after getting down to drinking only water. Sleep is erratic. Its the time of Lent which always throws interesting curves. My husband started a new job which means new routines. A sick toddler. Plus a lot of other daily little moments, thoughts, triggers, whines, challenges, and even the blessings that can feel just as overwhelming. I have felt overloaded by no one's doing but my own. And when you're your own boss its hard to get a second opinion :) I also haven't had some daily "me" time without guilt or truly devoted "God" time. Sure I have lots of reasons to read the bible between seminary and church commitments but that's not true "devotion" time at least I don't know how to honor God when I treat it like a checked off item on the to do list. So Sunday night I picked up a Max Lucado book "Next Door Savior" - I'm a fan of Max Lucado ( if you are going to read any of his books to try my top three include "Just like Jesus", "Cast of Characters" and "Traveling Light" but I haven't found one yet that wasn't a good read with some good bits to really ponder. But here is a quote that I just read ten minutes after writing the above poem that just seemed to fit.
The next door Savior who whispers this word to the owners of empty nets. "Let's try again - this time with me on board." - Max Lucado in "Next Door Savior" the end of chapter 5 Try Again
May your HealthFULL Journey remind you that you are strong, unique, worthy of love, and even if you find yourself lost that someone is always looking for you to be found! ' Til we meet again. . .
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