Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all day long. --Psalm 25 (NRSV)
What a day! But let's rewind to the night before. I was a nervous wreck. Jumping bundle of anxiety. Worry-wart mcgee. I was crazy to be with last night. Just further proof that I married a saint. I clinged to my kid, bothered my cat, hovered over my dog and kept trying to convince my husband I had Jello Elbows. It is not the easiest thing to describe but you know adrenaline when it's pumping but you aren't doing anything adrenaline worthy (besides running around like a crazy chicken :) It is pumping but has no release. As the individual feeling it I feel like I am wiggling like wacky gelatin. But in the mirror and I am sure my husband's view I'm talking nonsense. But I felt it and I wanted him to understand that today was going to be a big day. And that no matter what happened it was going to leave an impression in my life. Some days we stumble into a beautiful precious memory or unplanned challenge that leaves a spontaneous scar. But sometimes we just KNOW that life will be different - whether we force importance on the day, or the day doles out the importance by the bushel - it's a life-changing day. I'm sure we could all count some of those memories.
So what was this huge event that was causing Jello Elbows? Well I was awaiting an introduction of sorts - a two hour interview you may say - or a lengthy discernment process that led up today. It took roughly 400 miles of driving, four references, 20 rounds of e-mail, five phone calls, 16 pages of writing from my end, plus answering 1000 + questions (between online inventories categorizing personality and psychological traits) and then another 11 pages all to discuss in this two hour time frame. It was a little mind boggling. Who was this person I was to meet in such an intense manner? Myself. I was nervous as I was to meet with a virtual stranger who pretty much knew my entire life story and not only knew it but was going to share their professional opinion about it. Kind of nerve-wracking, right? (Not that this may come as a surprise but with all that information that was gathered it was determined that I do tend to have anxiety - point for me I knew that already :)
Actually, nothing came up in the interview that was surprising. For some of you this might sound redundant as I have literally lived my entire life (all 32 years) with the subject matter. But I think we all like to hide from some parts of ourselves. It helps to cope with our daily lives to not remember our phobias, our weaknesses, our frustrations, our wants, our needs, our opinions, our mistakes, our regrets, 24/7. Sometimes, we forget that when we set the problems aside or quickly but tidily sweep our issues under the rug - that they still exist. Just because they are out of mind does not mean they have disappeared.
Before I started this blog three and 1/2 years ago. I was really good at dropping the uncomfortable parts of my life, myself, or even those issues that hang around my environment. Shut off the lights, close the doors, grab the blankets and just train our thoughts to disengage from the "yuck". Problem is it became easier and easier to step away from "issues/uncomfortableness" until there was little left to lose because I had hidden or pushed everything away. So really these last three years prepped me for the introduction of who I met today.
Can I tell you a secret? I kind of liked her. Oh don't get me wrong - the woman has ISSUES but there is this theme of hope and effort and signs of improvement that might just help stomp out the bigger gnawing annoying pests. There was a tone that was intriguing, almost inviting - that with a little more (lot more - depending on whose scale we're using :) help; I may actually fulfill my dream of living my life according to God's call by following His truth to do His will.
It's been a battle - not because God wanted to wrestle. Not even because I was ready to rumble. But because I was scared. Of what? I don't even know if I can voice it anymore because in my own ears it sounds ludicrous and yet when you are living in fear surround by fear - it's beyond real and bigger than common sense. But if you can catch your breath for a moment and truly face whatever imaginary fear lives to chase you and breathe down your neck - it will dissipate almost instantaneously. Don't give your fears room to breathe and grow because they will happily run away like thieves with hostages. The fears will multiply to trick and discourage you and will do anything to cause and manipulate your doubt to erase your sight or at least paint the path of hope or a true future a mere inch out of reach.
So after years of running, hiding, crying, pouting, I'm walking towards God's path. I don't know the end of the road or what other paths will tumble to my feet during this time of discernment. But I am ready for God to teach me the paths.
If you are wondering why you are looking at these plates of grapes. This is a little trick from I found on Pinterest.com. that includes - can you guess? J-E-L-L-O. Think of them as nature's sour patch kids. So easy and most everyone enjoys this sweet treet. You rinse the grapes, don't dry them, and then roll them in jello powder. It looks prettiest when you match flavors with colors. (Green grapes with lime, black grapes with black cherry) They are so pretty and kids LOVE to help. And if you can wait just an hour to let the grapes become chilled. Instant snack.
I add this grape story because we need to grab fruit from the vine. And though I complained about my nervous JELLO elbows and called it anxiety. Just sometimes that anxiety is mistaken for what really is excitement - for anticipation of what will happen next. Yes, worry can cause Jello Elbows to dissolve in puddles of sticky syrup. But sometimes those Jello Elbows are ready for a challenge to lead to an unknown treasure that truly shines like royal jewels.
May your HealthFULL Journey remind you that yesterday may have been okay, but today is better, and we can look forward to the future with hope and excitement - even if we are stuck with Jello Elbows today :) Feeling Unbelievable & Loving Life - 'Til we meet again. . .
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