The Unknown

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. --1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

 

 

 

Well it has been one of those days - weird happenings around every corner, the mysterious knock, the out of blue e-mail, the suprise text, the shocking phone call.  What did all of these events have in common?  They weren't planned.  They were the unknown and for the most part still lead to the unknown.  I have tried to be honest with you the reader; and more importantly myself - that I tend to suffer from anxiety now and then.  It is the main reason I am visiting a counselor to mentally prepare myself to get healthier and find better choices than demolishing a bag of chips or guzzling pop (or soda) can after can everytime the unknown shows up and blankets me with a big ol' case of ANXIETY! 

 

Surprises can be good.  The unknown can lead to wonderful paths of peace, comfort, and be filled with blessings beyond our ability to count.  The unknown can also lead to paths of darkness, pain, fears, and pull us down into despair and worthlessness.  And where do anxious people tend to travel in their imaginations? That's right - speedracing down the scary tumbling route. 

 

Thank goodness God does not reveal tomorrow so that we are not handcuffed today to results of tomorrow based on our decisions in the right here and now.  Oh sure there are times all of us wish a magic 8 ball told the truth or a fortune cookie was a news report instead of a quaint saying.  But the reality is that no one flawlessly predicts the future.  We all live one day at a time though us worriers and type A personalities and control freaks gather as much information and cram it into today to ensure our schedules for tomorrow and the next day and the next week.  Rarely do these techniques return worthy results.  The majority of the time we are left in a state of why did I do all that? Or worry so much?  Or not let go sooner?  Because the unknown terrifies us!

 

Imagine you are in a super dark room with a group of people.  In this group one person has a flashlight and one person has a camera.  The person with a camera thinks it would be super funny to just take a picture in the dark and let the flash blind the room.  Good light? Bad Light?  Good chance the group yells at the picture taker in sarcastic tones of "Thanks for blinding us." "Great now I can't see again!"  "Wonderful I love to be caught off guard with distorted images while in the dark in a huge group of people."  And then the person with the flashlight shines a beam and begins to leave the room?  What happens in this scenario?  People question where they are going.  And several people, if not the majority, will follow to a place where there is light and the opportunity to be more aware. 

 

Because when we are in the unknown and unsure of our footing we seek out comfort, safety, and a place to gain a steady stance.  So when light is offered we are shocked and almost offended by the false hope that distorts our surroundings even more. But when a true beacon of hope is offered we almost can't help ourselves but follow this gift of sight even when we are unsure of where it leads. 

 

The unknown. Like I said several opportunities may or may not be available to us.  We continue to seek God's guidance so that we may follow the lights of hope and aren't blinded by the flashes of distortion. In the unknown/the dark it is easy to feel anxious and alone.  But we have to remember we are never truly alone and God wants us to remove our blankets of doubts, worries, hesitations, and all that we like to hide under when responsibility, opportunity, and extra work appear without guarantees of success.  The unknown: a scary place? a paradise? a launching pad? a temporary landing?  momentary exploration?  Where does the unknown lead you?

 

May your HealthFULL Journey guide you to impossible cliffs, exhilarating ravines, memorable horizons, and fields of peace.  Because a journey means to move from here to the unknown and beyond.  'Til we meet again. . .

Dual Journeys

Do you ever feel split?  Are you being "real"?  Or are you living as a fictional character? How can you tell?  Great philosophers and comic relief paraded on television has pondered what is real?  And now so do I.  It is no secret that I play the "what if" game often.  But tonight I got caught up in the movie "You've Got Mail" starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.  Who have had phenomenal romantic character history (Sleepless in Seattle, anyone? ;)  I didn't get sucked into this movie once but twice.  There are just some great lines.  And as I mentioned this to my husband for the second time tonight.  I mused out loud how this movie really is one of the best romantic movies for this sap right here. 

First it features a love story where the couple meets online.  That's my love story.  I randomly met my hubby in a teen chat room at seventeen and him sixteen.  I guarantee neither of us thought that first conversation full of laughter and jokes would be the start to our happily ever after - especially with him at that time in Lousiana and me up in the cold tundra of Minnesota and that somehow fourteen years later we would be married for nine years with a toddler in South Carolina.  But here we are and I couldn't be happier.  Or could I?  That's where the dual journey takes place.  The other part about You've Got Mail besides the sappy, cheesy lines that are pure genius (that's not my dad that's my nephew.  or "Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms.")  but it takes place in New York.  Oh, how I <3 NY!!!

That was my dream university.  I applied nowhere else as a senior in high school except for NYU.  This sounds arrogant or flighty but I never pictured a reality where I didn't get accepted to the Tisch School of Arts.  I remember opening that thin envelope - so hoping that the envelope only SEEMED small.  Nope it was my rejection letter.  Talk about true heart break.  But the next piece of mail I opened was my acceptance into a traveling theatre ministry.  And though New York rejected me Los Angeles beckoned.  It was a God moment and I know I took the right path (especially as there seemed to be very few other options :) .  But oh how I have relived that moment.  What if I had a better audition? Or what if I had sent my tape in sooner?  What if I had flown out to the school? What if I had moved to New York without college? 

I have been to New York twice.  Once as a sophomore in high school - although my love affair with this amazing city started far earlier in the romantic language of books and the visual poetry of movies.  And once driving through.  Seriously - we drove straight through.  Maybe I knew if I stopped I wouldn't get back in the car. . .  Sometimes I watch movies and it makes me wistful for the romantic independent heroine I could have been in that amazing city.  Carrie Bradshaw meet Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail) with a bit of Sara Thomas (Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity).  I envisioned myself writing, often seeing the best theater perhaps acting now and then.  Loving and living in my cute studio apartment eating Chinese food and enjoying the characters of the street and the events that randomly appear and occur in this city that never sleeps.  But thats not realistic is it?  Oh how it has been in my heart and thoughts for years these daydreams of what could've been, perhaps even the occasional should've been.  A more accurate portrait would be me crying that I can't scrape together rent to sleep in my roach infested not so quaint studio apartment.  That I have been eating ramen noodles for two years straight and when I feel big spenderish I splurge for hot dogs.  The only theatre news I catch is picking up playbills littered on the street.  This may be a closer picture of reality that I might have made a nightmarish daydream to comfort myself.  But you get the idea.

Instead I am blessed with the happiest little boy who giggles all the time.  You should have seen him strut his stuff today as he was given the all important mail duty of carrying the mail from the mailbox to inside the house :)  A husband who is tall dark and handsome and so incredibly kind and supportive and brilliant and loving and so much more.  Friends I adore, family who is near and supportive.  A job that takes care of my needs.  A church that is growing.  So many more blessings than I can count nor deserve by any means.  That's real.  That's tangible.  And yet there is still a piece of my heart and thoughts that wander usually to New York.  But that grabs memories and holds them up to the light of what ifs.  Or future scenes to create "ideal" situations and opportunities. 

I think it is this dual journey that causes me grief.  Because as I push on in my real life the fantasy life of memories, daydreams, alternate endings has a way of pausing reality and hiding the screen of true blessings.  I get derailed from my goals to live a healthier version of my life because I get confused what's real and what's not.  The what's not sometimes is so tempting and "perfect" that even though we know we're dreaming we can't quite shake ourselves "awake".  But then we miss the opportunities that can be so much richer if given the proper attention.

Its good to dream.  Its good to remember.  But don't get stuck. Don't get confused which is real and which is not.  Don't lose today because of what was or what could be.  Today holds the treasure.

May your HealthFULL Journey be an intense journey filled with wonder, dreams, successes, failures, heartbreak.  Because it is the FULL Journey that is real and not just the illusion. 'Til we meet again. . .

Tresses that were full of Stresses

Oh when I put on my Supermom Jeans I felt powerful and energetic.  After cutting my hair I felt like a brand-new woman!!! The tresses had to go.  I haven't had a proper haircut in two years, maybe a quick trim - two at the most.  That's a lot of time and a lot of damaged hair that held too many stresses.  My hair was the longest it had ever been.  As a society I believe we have taught many people that long hair usually equals a pretty factor.  That there is pride in our locks and it shows we have willpower and patience to grow out our hair.  Or people like me who just don't get around to the hairdresser.  Believe me this haircut is long overdue and been on the to-do list for at least six months.  My poor fantastic hubby patiently listened to every one of my complaints, whines, outbursts about this too long of hair.  He listened as I yakked about how I pulled my hair (accidentally) and my son pulled on my hair (for sport), how the chairs would tug my hair and I would wake-up with headaches as I continually gave myself whiplash as I would roll over my hair and then try to pull my head up.  Argh!  And finally it was time.  I called, I made an appointment and slashed it off my to do list.  The stylist cut my hair within five minutes of my arrival and as soon as that scissor snipped my hair - angels sang and I smiled the mega-watt smile. 

Because it wasn't just hair she cut.  She helped my de-stress the tresses.  That hair held heartache and worry as I would run my hands through my hair as I sang and whispered to my son in the NICU so many months ago.  Those abandoned strands held pain and frustration as I tugged it into a messy bun after my hair being pulled yet again by one of the many sources.  Those locks were loaded with guilt as I hid my face behind them in hopes to fade away from the world.  There were some dark moments these last two years and those hairs held every memory of sadness, every second of anger, and every instance of worry.  It held no joy because I keep that in my heart :)  But the tresses were stressed and therefore became more stress.

Last night I slept like a baby as I drifted into the land of slumber roughly nine o'clock.  Which is crazy unheard of behavior from me.  Which meant I woke up early with energy.  Not anger or frustration at the early rising but well rested and headache free.  I was able to be at my daily goal of seven thousand steps before ten am as I had a work-out with the Bollywood Burn (newest dvd from the library ) and yes it did burn.  I haven't worked-out besides walking in far too long of time.  Good time to mix things up since I was a brand new me :)  Then unto a walk with one of my favorite guys and canine :)  Then for an encore this afternoon I was back to raking.  I did a small section with my supermom jeans but without my stressful tresses I was able to conquer 2/3 of the yard.  Yay! 

Hair does tell a story.  I love how a seasoned hair stylist can read your lifestyle by the state of your tresses.  As we were deciding on cut and color (as I felt two years without a haircut meant there was room to splurge :)  my stylist mentioned how I could pull off a lighter blonde as I had light hair as a kid.  I did.  But I thought that shade was long gone but she knew.  She could tell how many countless tugs of ponytails and buns my hair experienced.  But my hair was telling a different story that I no longer wanted to co-author.  My tresses were displaying all my stresses and resentment and hurt and on and on.  But these days I have a pep to my step and a sappy to my happy :)  It was time to share that story with the world.  Thank you tresses for being a long for the ride - but in the nicest way possible - GOOD RIDDANCE!

May your HealthFULL Journey eliminate the stresses,  polish the tresses, and make you feel like a more joyful energized brand new version of yourself. 'Til we meet again. . .

Sometimes you have to just try. . .

Aren't Sundays nice?  Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it holy.  I do love the family day aspect and I am lucky enough to work a job that I can enjoy every Sunday afternoon with my loved ones.  My hubby unfortunately does not have that luxury.  He tries to take this day off as often as possible so that we can have a family day but as he works as a department manager for a grocery store he tries to be fair and let others also enjoy the day with their families.  (He really is a good guy like that :)  But I love when we can get up as family, get ready for church and worship together.  Well here is the part when you just have to try.  I have been an overprotective (with many many reasons - some good some just first time mom jitters :)  mom of our little one.  I haven't let my little guy out of my sight too often unless relatives have been around.  I did try one time recently to drop my son off in a church nursery but I knew the caregiver and he was playing with one of his cousins.  But today we did the big moment.  We dropped off our little boy who is growing up way too fast with our church nursery.  And both him and his mommy did great!  He dove to one of the caregiver's arms for a cuddle (which lasted almost the entire hour :)  And I'll admit a little bit of jealousy - it was really nice to sit with my hubby the ENTIRE church service including the whole sermon!  It has been awhile since we have been able to do that since we have a babblin' toddler.  Our son tends to have something LOUD to say just about the same time our pastor wants to start his sermon.  So me and my little guy have tried to discreetly slip out so we can crawl and babble without competition.  So that was successful attempt number one.

Our other milestone as a family was to have our son drink out of a straw.  I tried to teach this feat quite awhile ago with little luck.  Do you know how hard it is to demonstrate to a very young child how to suck up a drink through a straw?  It is kind of like magic.  Watch mommy put her lips around her straw. That is a pretty easy step to demonstrate.  However the next step and the more important step a little challenging to teach.  Now see how mommy sucks water through the non-clear straw. No you didn't see that?  So without thinking about this lesson I just carried sippy cups in his bag.  But play the disaster music in your head - dun dun dun - as a family we were going out to eat after church and major obstacle.  I forgot to pack a sippy cup :(  Oh no!!!  We can't ask our kid to not have anything to drink since before church - eat lunch - and run errands without any beverage.  So with a nervous request to the server we asked for a kids water.  And wait for it - sure enough it comes with a straw - and the cup is pretty flimsy to attempt to drink from (and that takes a lot of rhythm and timing - not my strong suit).  So nervously I hold the sippy cup in front of my son - angle the straw towards him - and success (play celebratory music)!  What?  When did this guy pick up such a tricky skill?  I'll confess after a unsuccessful attempt the first time I figured let's chalk off this skill for a good couple of years and try again when we both speak the same language fluently :)  But no today was the day to drink from a straw because we simply tried. 

It's a long story for a simple concept - but aren't we all guilty of writing ourselves off or others because the first try wasn't a marvelous success.  Many of us have tried many diets and say to ourselves after the last defeat " It's not going to happen for me. "  Or perhaps we look for a job and go on many interviews that end with the all too common "We appreciate your interest but have decided to go another route - blah blah blah" .  Its hard not to get discouraged.  Especially it seems the harder you try or the more you want something the deeper "the failure" wounds your spirit.  I like to get things right the first time.  I like to be that star rookie who was meant to complete a certain challenge.  But you only get a few times in your life to have that moment.  And if we wait only for what we believe to be our guaranteed success stories we all tend to wait a little too long on the sidelines and miss those moments of learning that actually triple our chances of success, happiness, and opportunities that are far better than what we could even imagine.  This message "Sometimes you have to just try..."  is the foundation of why I write this blog.  I realized that several years ago for too many years I had let fear not only control my choices but paralyze me from attempting almost anything.  So slowly I began to challenge myself.  Share my weight.  Share my struggles.  Attempt activities that seemed impossible.  And to not be afraid of falling or failing.  And even if I was to be afraid (because I am me through this whole journey and I can be a bit of scaredy cat!) to not let my fear paralyze me and keep from living.  I have fallen many times on this journey.  Sometimes, I have taken myself off the path and hid in the bushes for what seems forever.  But then I remember I don't have to achieve guaranteed success in ALL of my attempts but that sometimes I do have to just try. . .

May your HealthFULL (Fully Understand Life by Living) Journey celebrate your successess especially the successes that came after many attempts, challenges, and the occasional heartbreak. 'Til we meet again . . .

A child's delight

It is my child's joy that keeps me on this journey.  I may slip.  I might fall.  I sometimes faceplant.  But I cry it out, laugh it off, and pull myself together to do it all over again.  However, I am trying to figure out my son's endless joy.  I TRY to keep things interesting and he just loves it all.  I work towards a goal and if I meet it before even celebrating I am thinking what should be my next goal.  Not my fifteen month old.  He truly captures the moment and lives in that second.  He cries when he is upset, he laughs when he is happy, and actively observes in between.  For example, last Sunday I decided it was a good fort day especially after our little church meltdown - my meltdown though my son contributed.  All I am gonna say is we were fifteen minutes late, handed in our offering, was ready for the sermon, and then my son started babbling and getting antsy - we stepped out for what I thought would be a minute to compose ourselves or the whole sermon as my son planned and one of us might have lost our pants (that one was my son - although I was the one probably mortified).  But again perfect example - I was looking forward to worship - the singing - the sermon.  And my son was excited to see so many people, and have room to crawl in the narthex which is crazily empty during worship :) Although I do tend to enjoy my pastor's sermons I probably will remember spending time in the quiet narthex with my son more in the years to come then the exact words that were preached.  Do you get caught up in the shoulds, the coulds, the woulds, the goals, and the events?  Or are you like my son and  you just live and breathe in the moment? 

Anyway, you might understand why I thought it was fair to have an easy afternoon?  Who doesn't love a good fort?  My skills are rusty but vast improvement from the one I attempted a month ago.  I am trying "to plan" and design a sturdy fort - with the ease of being casual and just good fun.  (but then the competitive side leaps forward and screams in my head this is going to be the best most perfect fort ever designed.)  And my son?  Sees a new obstacle and lunges for the half up sheet which is not sturdy by any means and certainly isn't ready to brace a quickly moving 21 1/2 pounder.  I kept telling him "Just wait, when the fort is finished we'll have so much fun".  And he responded with giggles as he threw himself repeatedly into the sheet or covered his face with excess sheet for some peek-a-boo.  I half laughed, sweated, and muttered about how this fort was going to be a success if it kills me.  I am rearranging furniture and huffing and puffing.  And my son is rolling on the floor laughing and pounding on the "new furniture" as it takes new location and climbing under and over EVERYTHING! 

Once the fort was up my son stood proudly under the draped sheet and tried to touch the "ceiling"; as time passed this challenge became easier and easier. He scooted and laughed until his heart's content.  I turned on Mr Popper's penguin and decided Mission accomplished!  There was so much fun to be had and I missed some of it because I was so caught up in the destination.  Not my son - he didn't miss a second!  I kind of believe he added seconds with his endless delight :)  It was the journey with twists and turns of what is going to happen next?  When the sheet wouldn't stretch far enough and started to flutter to the ground.  I thought Argggh! "stupid clothespin!"  And my son saw "new game", or "How cool! it covers me and I'm hiding.  I'll have to dig myself free!"  I had a minor heart attack as one of the chairs fell; while my son saw a new climbing challenge.  He feels the moment and I run right through them to get to the next moment. 

I have a lot to learn from my mini muse.  I look forward to smaller sizes and pounds lost.  But that is only results.  The journey is everything else.  I like to check off excercise from my to do list.  But I need to be grateful for that time of feeling healthy, embracing time with my son, and growing stronger in all aspects of my life.  I mentioned my son because he is my cheerleader, my inspiration, and my number one fan.  He applauds my crazy dancing.  He eagerly crawls into my arms when I am marching around the living room.  He tries to steal my pedometer :)  But most importantly every day he lets me know I matter.  And because of him I need to continue to get better and improve by moving forward.

May your HealthFULL journey highlight those people who matter: those who inspire, encourage, applaud, and share in your journey. 'Til we meet again. . .

 

The Problem with Roots

The problem with roots is that you never know where they will end.  For my exercise today (which has not been daily as I am getting sporadic in this mission).  I told myself you are going to exercise young lady, you don't have to like it, love it, but you do have to attempt it.  If you quit after five minutes but so be it you are getting yourself moving.  So I approached my hubby with a fabulous idea.  It's been hundred degrees, humid, rainy, hot, icky weather and I mentioned to him it was cool outside early this evening.  His reply "Compared to what?"  Sweetly I smiled that wifely smile, "than today *insert giggle*". "Hmmm" I mused out load.  "We should work on the yard.  Our li'l one is down for a solid nap and looky here we both are available to work in the yard".  He harumphed but agreed to my suggestion.  As we got ready he looked at my bare feet and asked "Aren't you going to wear shoes?"  "Of course", I responded.  He then looked at my feet, again! And then looked at my face with that manly furrowed eyebrow questioning look and asked "Which shoes?"  And then I countered with a question, "Which shoes should I wear?"  He smiled and mentioned " I wouldn't wear flip flops."  "Oh? Really? But we're just going to be in the yard."  So for my work out I actually put on socks and tennis shoes.  Crazy idea!  We then get to the front door as I have now met the dress code.  I notice his hands are empty.  "Ummmm?  Aren't we going to need garbage bags? (Yup as a reply.) Okay, and aren't we going to need tools. (Sure he says).  Do we have tools? I inquired.  (Nope).  Sure we do, we must. (No we really don't).  Do we have work gloves?  (Shakes head).  Then why did you agree to work in the yard.  (He shrugged and replied I figured you could show me what you wanted and expected. We could pull the easy weeds). 

Can you tell from this exchange, neither of us are really green thumbs?  And we have become the house on the block that can grow weed trees like nobody's business.  What motivated this yard work is that I was throwing away some of our garbage and noticed the biggest mushroom I have ever seen.  It literally was the size of my cat's head (and he has a pretty big head!).  We bagged that mushroom and its nearby friend as our first official yard duty job.  Then we took a look at the back yard.  Oh sweet yard how I apologize for my ignorance and neglect.  You are so in need of TLC yard.  And I don't really know how to do that.  But I tried for a solid forty-five minutes, with a tired hubby (who has worked 21+ hours in the last two days), a medium size shovel, and a melted rake.  Good times!  We semi-cleared a path by picking up a huge branch and knocking down some four foot hollow stalks. We then came across a beginner tree.  Oh but looks are deceiving.  This pole had some strength and thriving trunk.  No bigger than an inch and half circumference of a trunk.  Oh but this bad boy had some roots. 

My hubby attacked with the shovel and began digging.  I then wrestled the beast to the ground.  Snapping the twig close to the ground.  Oh this has become war sapling as you try to trip me and then would not snap.  I pulled, I stomped, I kicked (remember we have limited tools), I twisted and you showed wear but did not break.  I then begged my hubby for the shovel and I dig, and hack and spear this shovel into your stupid trunk.  You weren't breaking.  We then attempted to uncover the roots.  Again we hack, we pull, we lift, and used whatever leverage we could imagine.  This became my soul mission outside.  I felt if we just uncovered the roots and could pull this tree free there was a life lesson worth knowing.  My husband was such an amazing sport but "Seriously, we need a game plan.  We are not going to stay out here all night with no tools with this tree and waste hours and accomplish nothing."  Oh on the contrary my love this tree is going down! There is a reason and we are going to tough this out together.  Like in the movies we were going to pull this tree out of the ground proving nothing is impossible, together we can do anything, and that we feel this pride and accomplishment.  Cue the hero music now!  But wait, "Snap" Ahhhhh it's the tree. No, its the shovel not meant to unearth trees with 3 feet of roots showing.  We have no idea what else is underground.  But three feet of thick, gnarly roots are unearthed for this four foot bean pole of a sapling.  My husband declares the game over, the tree wins, and now not only do we have to buy all the outside tools we need to add a shovel to the list.  My bad!  Oh I am so bitter at that tree.  It stands out there mocking me (bruised and laying on the ground as I did injure its branchy trunk).  But it still lives.  I stick my tongue out at you stupid tree with the big roots!

How often appearances are deceiving!  I saw that tree and figured between myself, my hubby, and our shovel; we could clear a second path into the back yard of forgotten plant life.  But no, this tree had to have crazy strong roots that are three four times the size of the sapling's trunk.  I have attempted getting to know me again as I travel this HealthFULL Journey, so that I can Fully Understand Life by Living.  I am trying to recall memories and events to figure out what paths I should have swerved differently.  I am milling through emotions, proud accomplishment, and past hurts trying to reveal how I got here.  Sometimes I will declare  uncovering certain memories a victory like a forgotten gem.  But I forget that under some of the dust isn't a polished stone but only a ball of mud.  Time does erase certain events and paint in rosy hues.  Recalling certain emotions is like pulling that tree.  The roots are so deeply embedded that they can't be uncovered all at once.  Its too much.  It needs time to stretch and breathe and release what is has been holding all these years.  So when you start digging and hit those roots.  Take a moment to soak in the moment, to let the root breathe so that it doesn't suffocate you with its tangled tendrils. 

May your HealthFULL Journey expose the old rotten roots so that you can plant new ones that are even stronger.  "Til we meet again. . .

The Difference Between Intentions and Actions

I have great intentions! And if I was able to carry out half of what I planned then I would be beyond amazing. Can you relate? Do you have moments of pure genius? That feeling where you feel victorious at the mere thought of the unlimited possibilities. That confident demeanor in knowing what you plan to do is for the good of all. That nod of assurance that today is the new day that everything changes. But then life happens and all the good intentions get washed away by the need to survive until the end of the day. I need to be honest I am losing the pep to be healthy. The creature comforts of bad habits have the way of fitting themselves back into the daily grind. It can feel like treading water. The hope is still there and the intention is ever-present. But the energy. . . is sorely lacking. I can intend to go to the gym, to plan healthier meals, to blog early in the week, to get enough sleep. But the doing is the problem. The comfort of bad habits are cozy and familiar. They are instantly rewarded. The healthier choice is unfamiliar and definitely uncomfortable. I am aware of quite a few of the tips and the tricks to "sneak" in healthier aspects of a daily routine. That one day will be second nature and not a forced puzzle piece. Please do not think this is throwing in the towel. I am on this journey for the long haul. I am just being honest that this week is hard. That this point I am seeking out a better foothold. The honeymoon phase may be over, but this HealthFULL Journey is a commitment and we will reach the finish line together.

Are you Open?

For the most part the word Open has a positive feeling. We hope stores our open. We wait impatiently for elevators and subway cars to open. In sports you tend to get the ball more when you're open. We speak highly of people who remain open-minded or that they love so openly. I think we all can appreciate openness because it means we are allowed entrance. When you open yourself up to another it allows people to share and experience new information, new memories, and most importantly new possibilities. We cannot learn when we are not open. Several years ago I started to close myself off from the world into my own little safe corner. I think one possibility could be in response to losing a lot of people in a short amount of time. It was easier to shut down than to be open about feelings of grief, hurt, pain, and such sadness. It became hard to answer a telephone because who knew what awaited on the other end. But by protecting myself from harm, I lost myself. By opening up about my feelings roughly six weeks ago on Facebook; my world has flipped upside down and all around and I am truly loving it. Things are appearing I would never have seen, had I not opened up my heart and my eyes to see the new world all around me. My fantastic hubby and I spent today being open to new experiences and window shopped and tried new shops. It is interesting to see what is available at all of our fingertips. I hope you find your opened door to a whole new world of possibilities.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find: knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives: he who seeks finds: and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

God bless you my friends on this HealthFULL Journey!

Let's Squash our fears about Squash!

First let me start off with my gym count-down....When I visited the gym on Wednesday it had been 114 days between my visits. This time it had been a day. That's right my hubby and I squeezed in a work-out for our Friday night date. To switch things up I didn't head directly over to my friendly Elliptical. I headed to the Ladies Only section and worked the circuit weights. It is set up very much like the Women Friendly gym, with a name that emphasized the womanly shape :) Where you hit a cardio rate because you quickly move from weight machine to the next. When I started I was thinking no way does this count as a real work-out. By my third machine I was pouring sweat and a little wobbly on the legs. So I take back my thinking. It was a work-out and I was ready to be done after only five minutes. But I went through a set. I shouldn't be shocked but did discover that I do not have strong abdominal muscles, if any. There is this crunch contraption where you reach your hands over your head and wrap your legs around a footrest and TOGETHER pull closer, hands down and legs up. When I first made an attempt I thought the machine was broken because nothing happened. I moved the weight to a lower number and this attempt the machine budged. I went to the lowest setting and "crunched". So yeah, anyway I will be working on that muscle and conquering that machine in the not so near future. So let's now move on to the new veggie of the week. At the beginning of the week we enjoyed roasted butternut squash and tonight our entree was spaghetti squash. If you have boiled water, turned on an oven, or used your microwave and combine it with your childhood carving pumpkin skills. You too can enjoy squash. There are tons of options with this amazing vegetable. They tend to keep quite awhile in your kitchen without refrigeration. That is a huge plus for me. They also are quite pretty and add great color to any meal. And do you know what color means in food, (natural color that is, I am not referring to the wonders of food coloring) Color means nutrients, different colors equal different nutrients. To start most squashes the best preparation is to split the squash down the middle and scoop out the seeds. This is when your carving pumpkin skills come in handy. Then for the butternut squash I prepared you take off the peel by cutting away the outside (think cantaloupe) and cutting into cubes. Don't go too small because as the squash heats up it will shrink. Also try to keep the cubes even for an even roast. Then for a quick glaze to add to its natural sweetness (very close to a sweet potato flavor) you melt some butter and either you could add a cinnamon spiced sugar or we used brown sugar mixed with the butter and a pinch of salt and pepper and scattered over the cubed squash. We roasted it for about forty five minutes to let it get tender. Flipping the cubes every ten minutes to make sure the whole bite cooked. This glaze also works great on roasted baby carrots. Voila! Now the spaghetti squash is kind of out there, but super fun. Do the basic cut in half and remove seeds. Then you have two options to prepare it either by throwing it in boiling water for 15 - 18 minutes or placing a little water in a microwaveable bowl and cooking it in the microwave for about 13 minutes. We did the boiling approach. You know your squash is tender when you can prick the peel easily with a fork. Drain the water ( save a little to dampen the squash if needed). Then the fun begins you just use a fork to pull out the squash that breaks up like pasta strips. Then the options are endless. If you like marinara sauce on pasta, go for it on the spaghetti squash. Or keep it simple with either a butter or olive oil, cheese, and pepper and salt. We used a drizzle of olive oil and then used grated Asiago and Parmesan cheese. Mmmmm! See how easy squash is to prepare for a tasty feast. Split in half and remove seeds (with a spoon and both squashes took less then two minutes for this full step). Then pick an easy cook method, boil, roast, or yes even microwave. No shame in any approach. Next you pick out your spices - and decide if you want to go sweet or savoury. Put 'em together and Bon Appetit! Thank you for your encouragement and support. Together we are squashing out fears and fully embracing the HealthFULL Journey! Happy Travels!

The Starting Point of My Journey

My name is Suzy and I am desperately seeking a healthier lifestyle. I started my HealthFULL Journey by announcing to my created Facebook world that I weigh 289 pounds by listing it as my status in late July. I shared the announcement due to my emotional response. The thought of doing that seemed scary and I've heard that if the thought of it scares you, it is something you need to do. My emotional instinct being that for years I was terrified that someone, anyone would "know" my official weight or that a tag would be hanging out of a shirt and again that someone would "know" my official size and I must protect that sensitive information. Too much time has been lost to "worries" and Fearful anxiety. Part of this thinking is due to the fact that my 29th birthday was quickly approaching and passed on August 12th. So I declared to friends and family it is time to truly seek out a healthier lifestyle. I listed my hopeful results as losing one hundred pounds and to be able to run a mile under seven minutes and forty-five seconds. These are bonus results. As my intention is not to lose weight or run fast, but to not willingly give up life's opportunities due to endless and anxious worries. So I pledge to change my life by living healthier in all aspects of life(physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and financially). My intention is to experience this year by embracing the concept to Fully Understand Life by Living. (The Full in HealthFULL Journey.) What does FULL mean? To be open-minded to new opportunities and new people by being available and embracing the opportunities and people when they present themselves. Different ways I plan to complete this task is to seek out new perspectives by reading new materials, listening to different podcasts, and trying new activities. I chose to blog as a way to keep my journey accountable to others and honest to myself. I intend to complete on average three blog posts a week until my thirtieth birthday which takes place August 12, 2010. I am not sure what will be said, but I believe for this work it has to stay real and get personal. Most posts will most likely be about the new foods or activities I try, possibly a new recipe worth sharing, a personal story about how I am feeling whether it be a struggling plea or a triumphant shout, and sometimes it might be a simple piece of inspiration through scripture or famous quote. I look forward to sharing this amazing year with you. If you too want to join me on this HealthFULL Journey I am excited to share in it with you and if you have encouragement or advice to share I always appreciate a helping hand. Let's FULLy embrace Life by Getting Healthy Together! 'Til we meet again. . .