How would you spend your last 24 hours?

If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. 

So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.  -- Romans 14:8



 

 

Ho! Ho! Ho! mixed with a little Bah! Humbug! and a teensy bit of "It's the End of the World as We know it!" set to music.  Once again the Christmas season snuck into my life.  I need snow!!! This Southern no snow surrounding plays tricks on my mind that there is loads of extra time.  It is 12-22-12 (and four minutes) as I write this blog.  Which means I am still here and hope the rest of the world is doing as well :) These last couple of days my hubby and I are trying to squeeze in as much of the holiday spirit as we can as most households we have been experiencing colds, bugs, viruses, and just the yucky mean germs.  I have been scrubbing surfaces with one hand and blowing my nose with the other.  And then I looked at the calendar and either the world was supposed to end or I had less than three days to decorate, send out christmas cards, enjoy the holiday, and shop and wrap like there is no tomorrow!  No problem! 

 

We put up our tree while our little two year old slept snugly in his bed and I wish I had taped his reaction.  It was priceless - Speech Therapy is doing wonders as we actually had a spontaneous conversation - a limited vocabulary but he definitely led the topics ;)  And slowly as the week progresses the ornaments are moving farther North on the tree, inch by inch,  I am surprised it is still standing as there is so much weight to the top and none on the bottom :)  I also insisted on Tuesday that we go out and have some Christmas fun and to look at a Christmas Tree festival where local businesses and organizations sponsor and decorate trees.  So many fun themes - my favorites include a snowman, an angel, Wizard of Oz tree, and Special Needs Awareness.  Beautiful and creative and FREE!  What a fun way to find some cheer. 

 

So my question "How would you spend your last 24 hours?" (Obviously assuming you know its your last day.)  This also is predictable around the 12-21-12 date but it was a question I asked my youth Sunday School class last week.  It was my attempt to wrangle in the conversation and facilitate around my point.  However, I was expecting similar answers to mine - something low key with family and friends to just spend time with those we love.  I forgot how teenagers think.  There may or may not have included an answer of peeing off the Eiffel Tower.  And I may or may not have pointed out half your day would be spent traveling encouraging a new answer that only changed the building not the activity.  I also may or may not have had a youth say they would do all of the crazy (good or bad) events they have always wanted to try and spend the last hour in confession to be forgiven.  I appreciated the desire to be absolved but again was looking for time with those we cherish.  But it was their choice and I appreciate their feedback (at least they're talking is the silver lining :)  

 

Also to be fair I was on my third dose of cough medicine mixed with pain relievers/fever reducer and a combination of not such good sleep.  It is hard to be enthusiastic when in the back of your mind you are counting down to climbing back into bed.  But I think that question has hung with me all week.  How do I want to spend my time? I knew the people (my husband and son) and everyone else I love is bonus :)   And though I was 99.9% sure I would see 12-22-12 and many days after I certainly didn't want to miss a special moment with my family.  We have been rushing around like crazy because of the holidays, changes we've made in our household, and just my anxious personality that doesn't want to miss a thing!  My hubby gave me permission the other night as I stood and complained of being overwhelmed.  He gave me permission to just play with my son - to forget the chores/duties/whatever other events were bogging down my spirit.  He encouraged me to have fun and enjoy this precious time.  So today we did.  We admired the tree, we colored, we played fort, we tickled, we giggled, we sung, we ran errands (which got a bit tense) but we brought our dog which pleased my son and puppy to no end :)  And then when my hubby got home we popped some popcorn and watched a Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas which my son was glued to the television.  He agreed to snuggle because I agreed to sit on the floor.  We then went to a live nativity at our church which is amazing!  My son was so excited to see a real camel.  We then told him he could pet it and he took four steps back shaking his head no!  We walked the town, signed the census, saw the shops, and heard some stories. But at the end we saw the Holy Family and heard the angel's message and then heard my own angel sum up the event with a "hee haw" at the donkey and pointed to the star of Bethlehem - telling us to "Look!" "Look!"  We grabbed a cookie for the road and drove around looking at Christmas Lights.  We all agreed on a house that was both beautifully decorated and gorgeous and Drew's approval to live there.  I am guessing it only costs 1.1 million ;)   Kind of out of the stay at home mom's budget but who knows - miracles happen every day :)  We picked up chinese food on the way home - our bug-a-boo went to bed with no fuss.  It really was the way I would like to spend my last 24 hours -  Creating memories with my loved ones, remembering and honoring my Savior's birth, a little bit of indulgence and dreaming, and feeling warmed by the magic of Christmas (Hope, Love, Joy, Peace).

 

May your HealthFULL Journey leave you Feeling Unbelievable and Loving Life as you ponder, enjoy, and cherish this Christmas Season.  May you know the Reason for the Season and may you feel surrounded by love. 'Til we meet again. . . 



Dual Journeys

Do you ever feel split?  Are you being "real"?  Or are you living as a fictional character? How can you tell?  Great philosophers and comic relief paraded on television has pondered what is real?  And now so do I.  It is no secret that I play the "what if" game often.  But tonight I got caught up in the movie "You've Got Mail" starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.  Who have had phenomenal romantic character history (Sleepless in Seattle, anyone? ;)  I didn't get sucked into this movie once but twice.  There are just some great lines.  And as I mentioned this to my husband for the second time tonight.  I mused out loud how this movie really is one of the best romantic movies for this sap right here. 

First it features a love story where the couple meets online.  That's my love story.  I randomly met my hubby in a teen chat room at seventeen and him sixteen.  I guarantee neither of us thought that first conversation full of laughter and jokes would be the start to our happily ever after - especially with him at that time in Lousiana and me up in the cold tundra of Minnesota and that somehow fourteen years later we would be married for nine years with a toddler in South Carolina.  But here we are and I couldn't be happier.  Or could I?  That's where the dual journey takes place.  The other part about You've Got Mail besides the sappy, cheesy lines that are pure genius (that's not my dad that's my nephew.  or "Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms.")  but it takes place in New York.  Oh, how I <3 NY!!!

That was my dream university.  I applied nowhere else as a senior in high school except for NYU.  This sounds arrogant or flighty but I never pictured a reality where I didn't get accepted to the Tisch School of Arts.  I remember opening that thin envelope - so hoping that the envelope only SEEMED small.  Nope it was my rejection letter.  Talk about true heart break.  But the next piece of mail I opened was my acceptance into a traveling theatre ministry.  And though New York rejected me Los Angeles beckoned.  It was a God moment and I know I took the right path (especially as there seemed to be very few other options :) .  But oh how I have relived that moment.  What if I had a better audition? Or what if I had sent my tape in sooner?  What if I had flown out to the school? What if I had moved to New York without college? 

I have been to New York twice.  Once as a sophomore in high school - although my love affair with this amazing city started far earlier in the romantic language of books and the visual poetry of movies.  And once driving through.  Seriously - we drove straight through.  Maybe I knew if I stopped I wouldn't get back in the car. . .  Sometimes I watch movies and it makes me wistful for the romantic independent heroine I could have been in that amazing city.  Carrie Bradshaw meet Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail) with a bit of Sara Thomas (Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity).  I envisioned myself writing, often seeing the best theater perhaps acting now and then.  Loving and living in my cute studio apartment eating Chinese food and enjoying the characters of the street and the events that randomly appear and occur in this city that never sleeps.  But thats not realistic is it?  Oh how it has been in my heart and thoughts for years these daydreams of what could've been, perhaps even the occasional should've been.  A more accurate portrait would be me crying that I can't scrape together rent to sleep in my roach infested not so quaint studio apartment.  That I have been eating ramen noodles for two years straight and when I feel big spenderish I splurge for hot dogs.  The only theatre news I catch is picking up playbills littered on the street.  This may be a closer picture of reality that I might have made a nightmarish daydream to comfort myself.  But you get the idea.

Instead I am blessed with the happiest little boy who giggles all the time.  You should have seen him strut his stuff today as he was given the all important mail duty of carrying the mail from the mailbox to inside the house :)  A husband who is tall dark and handsome and so incredibly kind and supportive and brilliant and loving and so much more.  Friends I adore, family who is near and supportive.  A job that takes care of my needs.  A church that is growing.  So many more blessings than I can count nor deserve by any means.  That's real.  That's tangible.  And yet there is still a piece of my heart and thoughts that wander usually to New York.  But that grabs memories and holds them up to the light of what ifs.  Or future scenes to create "ideal" situations and opportunities. 

I think it is this dual journey that causes me grief.  Because as I push on in my real life the fantasy life of memories, daydreams, alternate endings has a way of pausing reality and hiding the screen of true blessings.  I get derailed from my goals to live a healthier version of my life because I get confused what's real and what's not.  The what's not sometimes is so tempting and "perfect" that even though we know we're dreaming we can't quite shake ourselves "awake".  But then we miss the opportunities that can be so much richer if given the proper attention.

Its good to dream.  Its good to remember.  But don't get stuck. Don't get confused which is real and which is not.  Don't lose today because of what was or what could be.  Today holds the treasure.

May your HealthFULL Journey be an intense journey filled with wonder, dreams, successes, failures, heartbreak.  Because it is the FULL Journey that is real and not just the illusion. 'Til we meet again. . .

Mrs. Mommy

My hubby Corey and I joke a lot - his sense of humor and mine just meld so we laugh and joke together a lot.  Well in one of our jokefests he started to call me Mrs. Mommy.  Which I giggled alongside him.  But the nickname has stuck in my head as quite a poignant remark.  Very rarely do I still feel Suzy for more than ten minutes at a time.  Most of the time I feel like a Mrs. or Mommy and very often a Mrs. Mommy.  As you read this it is important to know this - I count the reasons behind both of these titles my biggest blessings here on Earth.  BUT...if I am to be completely honest wasn't my dream titles (I am so proud to be both today just not what I envisions years ago).  Hear me out though. . .

Titles are funny things.  We crave them.  We work for them. We like to give them.  We as humans love labels.  They give us pecking orders. They give us futures to desire.  They give us people to dislike or at least labels to pin the blame so we don't have to face that emotion factor.  We tend to wear our titles for reasons of pride, classification, clarification, honor, and a million other reasons.  It wasn't that I didn't want to be a wife nor a mom.  I figured someday in my distant thirties I would most likely have a husband.  And perhaps a child.  But I really didn't "crave" either.  There were three titles I have shared my desire for since I was young (when thirty seemed a distant future and not a recent memory).  I wanted to Aunt Suzy (I have a theory that most people have an Uncle Bob or an Aunt Suzy - there was not extensive research and this was discovered from a small sample pool.  But most people I know have an Uncle Bob or an Aunt Suzy).  I enjoy kids.  I think they are funny, nothing makes me feel more loved than cuddling with a youngster especially singing songs together or reading and find it fascinating to join forces with their creative minds.  But I also enjoyed giving them back to their parents at the end of the day.  This sounded like a great start to following my call of being an Aunt.  (This dream did come true and I love my nieces and nephews - they are fabulous, precious, smart, creative, funny, sweet, kind, and beautiful.  I am so grateful God answered my prayers on that front!)  Another title I wanted to be was a Countess, an Italian Countess ( I <3 Italy!). I was serious about this career/lifestyle choice.  For years I hired my perfect entourage - I had court jesters, I had garbage collectors, ladies in waiting, chefs, event planner, preacher - pretty much everyone but the actual Italian Count. When I was in eighth grade we had to do research for our future career.  The guy who sat in front of me asked what I planned to be when I was a grown-up.  I said I already know but the research will be hard.  He asked me what I wanted to be.  Straight answer " A countess".  His reply "Is that like a female accountant?"  And I looked at him strangely (I now as adult realize that probably should play out the other way), but in the brief exchange I realized two things.  One) I simply had not shared my future intentions with enough people if this guy had no clue what I was talking about and Two) that not everyone saw this title as an average realistic option.   So I ended up researching my third dream title for this eighth grade research project - a Broadway stage actor.  I still haven't been to Italy (probably the best place to find an Italian Count - but I think my Louisiana Prince might get jealous :)  But I did go to school for Theatre as my major which became my minor the second time around.  I didn't make it to Broadway to perform but have performed (for money) in 5/50 states (MN, ND, MT, AK, and CA) and Canada.  So we'll call that a 1/2 title realized - 50%.  Not bad.

So you see I had what I thought were big dreams - big Suzy dreams.  But I fell in love at nineteen - not puppy love that starts off amazing and fizzles usually just as dramatic.  But to the core fell in head over heels full hearted completely committed true love.  I got married at twenty-two and became a Mrs. . .  in North Dakota.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  However, my thirteen year old version of myself saw a completely different picture - Italy was involved (which the full fantasy was to turn one of our Italian castles into an impressive internation theatre school), and my title wasn't Mrs. it would be Countess.  

And the mommy factor.  Whew!  Not that I was against having children.  It was always a future dream.  We even dreamt in our early thirties we would like to have kids.  Thats a great talk when you are twenty-four and married to a great partner.  When you're thirty and pregnant, that dream talk a little too real.  Which sounds after writing that line like we completely planned when we were having children - completely a God thing that shocked us out of the blue.  I have had a lot of friends who have had a variety of female issues and conception is difficult if not impossible (but a few of those impossibles have been PLEASANTLY BLESSED! Praise God!)  So, knowing this I figured God didn't burden my heart with desire because I honestly thought between my weight and other factors that I probably couldn't conceive at least without medical assistance.  I was terrified of the responsibility of being a mom.  As an aunt I figured I could only do minimal damage of anyone's psyche that could be repaired by their parents, selves, and God.  But complete responsibility for another human being I found that frightening to a degree I can' even verbalize.  My esteem like most areas of my life go extreme - I can do anything (like be an Italian Countess) or nothing right (which I kind of placed Mommyhood in that category for me). 

I love my son.  God granted (and my hubby helped) answer the deepest desire of my heart that I couldn't even vocalize.  I wept for days when I took my first pregnancy test (while pregnant) and it showed a negative.  I then hyperventilated when I took one three weeks later and there was a plus sign where I tried to tell my husband between hysterical tears that turned into hysterical laughter the news. In my defense, I had taken at least forty pregnancy tests in my lifetime and not once had there been a plus. Its a little surreal.  Then to really throw me off my A-game, my son was eleven weeks early.  If you know me I tend to run ten minutes late to everything and am a procrastinator to the hilt.  And my son arrives not just early - but super early!!! 

If I was to describe Suzy.  I would say she's funny, fun, playful, creative, and a bit loud.  But those words for Mrs. Mommy seem to be inappropriate.  So sometimes, I feel lost; because of this ideal image I have for Mrs. Mommy.  A woman who cares for her guys and takes care of them - perfectly.  I forget the title may change what some people call me, but not who I am.  I still am Suzy who just happens to be married to a great guy and the happiest little boy (seriously this kid giggles and smiles - ALL the time).  I try to be organized and early as Mrs. Mommy.  I try to cook, clean, and still look "relaxed".  But as I try to be Mrs. Mommy I lose a little bit of Suzy who is the one who received those titles. 

So what's in a name?  Appearance, effort, but it doesn't change the person - at least its not supposed to. So here I write as Suzy who also happens to be Mrs. Mommy.

May you earn the titles life bestows you, but never forget the person you were when you received them. 'Til we meet again. . .              

Mutiny within the household

Oh it is time to change some things up in this household.  I must remind myself how much I love my pets.  Because between the pets and my son - my life has been crazy!!!  Mutiny was declared three days ago.  I believe the cat started the charge (my dog and cat are real life examples of Garfield and Odie) and pressured the puppy to do his bidding.  And the baby is starting to observe more and followed their lead.  Three mornings ago, I had a rough time sleeping which I believe is when I wrote the blog Buried Alive.  I then crawled into bed knowing I had exactly five hours to sleep which is perfect for me.  I can function and still be halfway pleasant.  Oh but the forces of the animal kingdom and the angelic lil' boy had decided to put their plan into effect.  As I crawl quietly into my sheets and trying so hard to not to disturb my amazing hubby (who really LOVES sleep) I gently lower my head unto my pillow and just about to sigh the sigh of sleep descending onto my body.  Yelps begin to crescendo quickly and loudly from the foot of the bed.  It was my dog catching her toe nail in her collar.  This has happened a total of five times in her two and half years with us but is an unmistakable sound.  I am in the beginnings of a sleep haze trying to figure out how to react.  I first reach for her but then realize I can't see her (sleep fog, she's black and it's dark).  It will be hard to disengage her without hurting her or myself.  So I fling the bedside lamp on and fling myself back to the foot of the bed where it appears she has disengaged herself.  I can't imagine but this little interaction between the dog and me woke my hubby.  Crazy!  So I flung back to turn off the light (after double-checking my puppy, readjusting her collar, whisper soothing words) and scoot myself under the covers to try to appear as I have no idea why my husband has awoken with a start.  Guess what?  I am fully wide eyed awake.  So not good, we are now under the five hour window.  No problem, just de-stress. Breathe in, breathe out and don't focus on the ticking minutes.  I finally fall asleep in about a half hour window.  No problem I can make this work.  Three hours and twenty-five minutes later I am awoken to a puppy whine.  Someone appears to be hungry and/or half to go outside.  I imagine hunger and pretend to not hear the whine.  This may sound cruel but keep reading.  Two minutes later the whining is no longer outside my bedroom but two feet from my face.  I squeeze my eyes tighter.  The dog then begins to lick my foot (mind you my hubby sleeps closer to the door and he is not being disturbed).  Okay you win dog.  I let her out, feed treats to the cat, and then feed the dog.  I am exhausted and can still catch an hour to sleep if I go back to bed this instant.  I quickly return to bed, scoot under the covers, one flip to the side, bring on the dreams.  And the monitor begins to crackle with baby grunts, next baby sighs, then unto baby babbles.  My head is echoing protests of NOOOOoooooooo!  The baby 99% of the time always sleeps one hour later.  Please not this morning.  And then the alarm of the baby scream of one hungry lil' guy.  Mercy I give! No sleep for this mama.  I charge to his room and begin his morning routine including bottle.  I have about twenty minutes I could return to bed.  But my hubby awakens as the dog felt both of us should be awake (though he did get the wake up call an hour after mine). I put the baby down and crawl back into bed for the full ten minutes to chat with hubby.  I then get ready for work and my voice mail goes off.  Guess what I don't have to come into work until two and half hours later, good thing my dog woke me up and hour and fifteen minutes early so that I can be two and half hours late.  Seriously! (I did go back to bed for that missing hour and I was a much happier person after my nap/sleep).  Next morning it can't be this crazy right?  Oh this time the cat decides to take matters into his own paws.  I woke up two and half hours early.  Why?  you may ask because my cat literally pounced on my bladder.  Now you might think this wasn't on purpose (but that means A. you don't know my cat and B. he was standing beside me like he was about to give me CPR except was pushing on my bladder).  Thanks Smokey!  Of course I would like to get up at this time to give you your treats.  I was only sleeping, what a brilliant idea to get up one-hundred and fifty minutes early so you can have your treats.  I took care of the animals and once again returned to bed after gaining my pets permission.  And then this morning (Saturday) I was literally pushed out of my bed at four a.m. by the dog.  I woke up gripping the side of the bed and my dog rolled over and literally pushed my legs unto the floor. 

This is my proof that mutiny was declared (I am a little nervous of what will happen in my sleep tonight).  Most of us are familiar with the saying that pets and babies pick up our moods.  My family appears unsettled and tense which means I got to get my act together or the furry creatures and the seven month old are going to take control of the house.  (Let's be honest they have always ruled the roost, the difference is now they know they rule the roost!)  It's time to dig deep and figure out how to gain my footing.  And if I can't figure it out I got to fake the confidence to make it work around here.  Things don't have to run perfectly but it is time to get things ship shape before the mutiny sinks us all.

May your HealthFULL Journey strengthen your relationships and make you all better versions of yourself. 'Til we meet again. . . .