Do you ever feel split? Are you being "real"? Or are you living as a fictional character? How can you tell? Great philosophers and comic relief paraded on television has pondered what is real? And now so do I. It is no secret that I play the "what if" game often. But tonight I got caught up in the movie "You've Got Mail" starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Who have had phenomenal romantic character history (Sleepless in Seattle, anyone? ;) I didn't get sucked into this movie once but twice. There are just some great lines. And as I mentioned this to my husband for the second time tonight. I mused out loud how this movie really is one of the best romantic movies for this sap right here.
First it features a love story where the couple meets online. That's my love story. I randomly met my hubby in a teen chat room at seventeen and him sixteen. I guarantee neither of us thought that first conversation full of laughter and jokes would be the start to our happily ever after - especially with him at that time in Lousiana and me up in the cold tundra of Minnesota and that somehow fourteen years later we would be married for nine years with a toddler in South Carolina. But here we are and I couldn't be happier. Or could I? That's where the dual journey takes place. The other part about You've Got Mail besides the sappy, cheesy lines that are pure genius (that's not my dad that's my nephew. or "Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms.") but it takes place in New York. Oh, how I <3 NY!!!
That was my dream university. I applied nowhere else as a senior in high school except for NYU. This sounds arrogant or flighty but I never pictured a reality where I didn't get accepted to the Tisch School of Arts. I remember opening that thin envelope - so hoping that the envelope only SEEMED small. Nope it was my rejection letter. Talk about true heart break. But the next piece of mail I opened was my acceptance into a traveling theatre ministry. And though New York rejected me Los Angeles beckoned. It was a God moment and I know I took the right path (especially as there seemed to be very few other options :) . But oh how I have relived that moment. What if I had a better audition? Or what if I had sent my tape in sooner? What if I had flown out to the school? What if I had moved to New York without college?
I have been to New York twice. Once as a sophomore in high school - although my love affair with this amazing city started far earlier in the romantic language of books and the visual poetry of movies. And once driving through. Seriously - we drove straight through. Maybe I knew if I stopped I wouldn't get back in the car. . . Sometimes I watch movies and it makes me wistful for the romantic independent heroine I could have been in that amazing city. Carrie Bradshaw meet Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail) with a bit of Sara Thomas (Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity). I envisioned myself writing, often seeing the best theater perhaps acting now and then. Loving and living in my cute studio apartment eating Chinese food and enjoying the characters of the street and the events that randomly appear and occur in this city that never sleeps. But thats not realistic is it? Oh how it has been in my heart and thoughts for years these daydreams of what could've been, perhaps even the occasional should've been. A more accurate portrait would be me crying that I can't scrape together rent to sleep in my roach infested not so quaint studio apartment. That I have been eating ramen noodles for two years straight and when I feel big spenderish I splurge for hot dogs. The only theatre news I catch is picking up playbills littered on the street. This may be a closer picture of reality that I might have made a nightmarish daydream to comfort myself. But you get the idea.
Instead I am blessed with the happiest little boy who giggles all the time. You should have seen him strut his stuff today as he was given the all important mail duty of carrying the mail from the mailbox to inside the house :) A husband who is tall dark and handsome and so incredibly kind and supportive and brilliant and loving and so much more. Friends I adore, family who is near and supportive. A job that takes care of my needs. A church that is growing. So many more blessings than I can count nor deserve by any means. That's real. That's tangible. And yet there is still a piece of my heart and thoughts that wander usually to New York. But that grabs memories and holds them up to the light of what ifs. Or future scenes to create "ideal" situations and opportunities.
I think it is this dual journey that causes me grief. Because as I push on in my real life the fantasy life of memories, daydreams, alternate endings has a way of pausing reality and hiding the screen of true blessings. I get derailed from my goals to live a healthier version of my life because I get confused what's real and what's not. The what's not sometimes is so tempting and "perfect" that even though we know we're dreaming we can't quite shake ourselves "awake". But then we miss the opportunities that can be so much richer if given the proper attention.
Its good to dream. Its good to remember. But don't get stuck. Don't get confused which is real and which is not. Don't lose today because of what was or what could be. Today holds the treasure.
May your HealthFULL Journey be an intense journey filled with wonder, dreams, successes, failures, heartbreak. Because it is the FULL Journey that is real and not just the illusion. 'Til we meet again. . .
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