Feeling Lost

³¹ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” - Luke 15:31-32 NIV (the end of The Parable of the Lost Son)

I have shared directions aren't my thing.  I get distracted. I rely on others to lead me.  And I tell myself its because I am care-free trying to grab the most from life.  That may be true but a really small truth.  I get fearful of endings - I like epic movie closing credits and that last page of a book that you sit and ponder and refuse to speak for at least ten minutes.  But endings to life events, goals, and the passing of loved ones - leaves me a little more than anxious.  So I self-sabotage, or purposefully develop ADD, or just close my eyes and like an ostrich stick my head in the sand in hopes the world will join me and I never have to finish the "project" and actually think of a new phase.  Can you relate to those moments?  Have any worked for you?  I didn't think so but I was hoping :)  So these last couple of weeks have been my turtle withdrawing where life is overwhelming and complicated and I desperately want to fade into my shell.  But I had an ah ha moment that snapped me out of the funk picking up a book and reading a few quick chapters.  You can catch a quote from Next Door Savior by Max Lucado at the end of the blog.  So today I resolved to pick myself up.  The problem is when you gather all the pain, sadness, bitterness like a comforting shawl around your neck it takes a long while to unwind it.  So I did with the help of my counselor.  I cried, she unwound, and I felt pounds lighter leaving her office.  Sometimes those painful triggers hide in the shadows and pounce when you get around to some spring cleaning.  And while we are discussing the theme of "being lost".  I also will share my sin of being a clutter bug.  Well I have a toddler who has too many hiding places for little objects.  I like to think he is just a sweet boy misplacing items or discoving spatial awareness and not the genius mad scientist who likes to torture mommy wasting hours upon hours looking for the daily confiscation.  I remember putting an exercise DVD in the DVD Player and behold it has disappeared.  I looked quite a bit the other day and gave up.  So today I asked my 2 yr old the simple question.  "Where did this DVD go?"  He smiled, giggled, and ran away as guilty as the gingerbread man.  So I lassoed him up and brought him back to the scene of the crime that I was convinced he had committed.  A ha!  He glanced 2 milliseconds at a spot I remember checking.  But I looked more closely and you know what - Sure enough the lost DVD had been found.  I was overjoyed.  I did not need to pay back the library for a lost item.  YAY (victory arms).  And I said out loud "Isn't it amazing how good we feel once we find what we're looking for?"  I'm speaking from experience - it is even more amazing how good it feels to be found when we are the one lost.  Here is a little poem to share where I've been and I imagine more than one or two of you can relate!  

Feeling Lost

Where have I gone?

Mentally I threw in the towel -

I yelled and screamed  - “ I’m done!”

My tears fall and my heart lets out a scary howl.

 

But you didn’t see it.

Perhaps you saw less shimmer

But slowly I felt I was fading bit by bit

Hope felt lost, not even a glimmer.

 

I don’t mean to sound down

But it has felt like a cage of rain

Pouring upon my head causing a frown;

Too much effort, too much pain!

 

Such cruel words (my own) whipping through my mind.

It has been a struggle - no lie!

But finally the world again seems kind.

There is no more overwhelming pressure to cry.

 

I’ve been found!

Can you hear it?

That confident sound;

That it’s time to finally get fit.

 

No more drama!

No more excuses, no more whining!

It’s time to be the mama-

Time to move and eat healthy dining.

 

It isn’t easy to hide this large frame,

But this is life and death;

And not a game.

So starting today let’s move and gasp for breath!

 

I needed that time of being lost.

It makes me realize that this is a blessing to be found,

Time to let the past be past and forget the crazy cost.

Lets hit the ground running and the only loss should be - pound by pound!

 

It has been a challenging time.  I've started seminary, back on full schedule soda after getting down to drinking only water.  Sleep is erratic.  Its the time of Lent which always throws interesting curves.  My husband started a new job which means new routines. A sick toddler.  Plus a lot of other daily little moments, thoughts, triggers, whines, challenges, and even the blessings that can feel just as overwhelming.  I have felt overloaded by no one's doing but my own.  And when you're your own boss its hard to get a second opinion :)  I also haven't had some daily "me" time without guilt or truly devoted "God" time.  Sure I have lots of reasons to read the bible between seminary and church commitments but that's not true "devotion" time at least I don't know how to honor God when I treat it like a checked off item on the to do list.  So Sunday night I picked up a Max Lucado book "Next Door Savior" - I'm a fan of Max Lucado ( if you are going to read any of his books to try my top three include "Just like Jesus", "Cast of Characters" and "Traveling Light" but I haven't found one yet that wasn't a good read with some good bits to really ponder.  But here is a quote that I just read ten minutes after writing the above poem that just seemed to fit.

 

The next door Savior who whispers this word to the owners of empty nets. "Let's try again - this time with me on board."  - Max Lucado in "Next Door Savior" the end of chapter 5 Try Again

 

May your HealthFULL Journey remind you that you are strong, unique, worthy of love, and even if you find yourself lost that someone is always looking for you to be found! ' Til we meet again. . . 

The Unknown

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. --1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

 

 

 

Well it has been one of those days - weird happenings around every corner, the mysterious knock, the out of blue e-mail, the suprise text, the shocking phone call.  What did all of these events have in common?  They weren't planned.  They were the unknown and for the most part still lead to the unknown.  I have tried to be honest with you the reader; and more importantly myself - that I tend to suffer from anxiety now and then.  It is the main reason I am visiting a counselor to mentally prepare myself to get healthier and find better choices than demolishing a bag of chips or guzzling pop (or soda) can after can everytime the unknown shows up and blankets me with a big ol' case of ANXIETY! 

 

Surprises can be good.  The unknown can lead to wonderful paths of peace, comfort, and be filled with blessings beyond our ability to count.  The unknown can also lead to paths of darkness, pain, fears, and pull us down into despair and worthlessness.  And where do anxious people tend to travel in their imaginations? That's right - speedracing down the scary tumbling route. 

 

Thank goodness God does not reveal tomorrow so that we are not handcuffed today to results of tomorrow based on our decisions in the right here and now.  Oh sure there are times all of us wish a magic 8 ball told the truth or a fortune cookie was a news report instead of a quaint saying.  But the reality is that no one flawlessly predicts the future.  We all live one day at a time though us worriers and type A personalities and control freaks gather as much information and cram it into today to ensure our schedules for tomorrow and the next day and the next week.  Rarely do these techniques return worthy results.  The majority of the time we are left in a state of why did I do all that? Or worry so much?  Or not let go sooner?  Because the unknown terrifies us!

 

Imagine you are in a super dark room with a group of people.  In this group one person has a flashlight and one person has a camera.  The person with a camera thinks it would be super funny to just take a picture in the dark and let the flash blind the room.  Good light? Bad Light?  Good chance the group yells at the picture taker in sarcastic tones of "Thanks for blinding us." "Great now I can't see again!"  "Wonderful I love to be caught off guard with distorted images while in the dark in a huge group of people."  And then the person with the flashlight shines a beam and begins to leave the room?  What happens in this scenario?  People question where they are going.  And several people, if not the majority, will follow to a place where there is light and the opportunity to be more aware. 

 

Because when we are in the unknown and unsure of our footing we seek out comfort, safety, and a place to gain a steady stance.  So when light is offered we are shocked and almost offended by the false hope that distorts our surroundings even more. But when a true beacon of hope is offered we almost can't help ourselves but follow this gift of sight even when we are unsure of where it leads. 

 

The unknown. Like I said several opportunities may or may not be available to us.  We continue to seek God's guidance so that we may follow the lights of hope and aren't blinded by the flashes of distortion. In the unknown/the dark it is easy to feel anxious and alone.  But we have to remember we are never truly alone and God wants us to remove our blankets of doubts, worries, hesitations, and all that we like to hide under when responsibility, opportunity, and extra work appear without guarantees of success.  The unknown: a scary place? a paradise? a launching pad? a temporary landing?  momentary exploration?  Where does the unknown lead you?

 

May your HealthFULL Journey guide you to impossible cliffs, exhilarating ravines, memorable horizons, and fields of peace.  Because a journey means to move from here to the unknown and beyond.  'Til we meet again. . .

Remembering 2012 with the 5 senses

"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other." - Mark 9:50 NIV

 

 

 

Ahhh! 2012 has come and gone but left an imprint of memories based on our five senses.  On facebook I have been sharing a daily gratitude and in Suzy kind of fashion I managed to catch up my last three today.  My final gratitude for the year was my five senses.  As I have been reflecting as most of us do this time of year and am grateful to be over a cold I have been thinking a lot about our abilities to smell, hear, taste (three of the senses usually lost to bad colds) and the sight and touch off-kilter with these crazy super viruses.  So in honor of this line of thinking I wanted to share five of my favorite experiences with each sense to close out 2012.

 

Sight

 

In January, my little boy received his first haircut.  He went from baby to toddler instantly!

I don't think I could give up watching my husband Corey play with Drew.  They have had a special bond since day one and it blesses my heart to pieces. 

 

September brought sight to my Drew.  I hated glasses and started at age five.  My cutie wasn't even two and they suggested it.  We still don't wear them out of the house (Drew still isn't crazy about the touch on his face - loves to wear them but constantly tugging at them.  And if it is possible they make him a touch more adorable :)

 

The gorgeous sunrise to finish out this year was amazing - with the bright pinks and highlights of oranges and golds.  I wish I could paint it - just breathtaking! 

 

The last would have to be my acceptance letter to Seminary.  I was walking with my son and tore open the letter before we got into the house and started crying.  My son starting to pick up other's emotions came running up to me with a lip quiver.  And then to see my husband's reaction to the news after our son passed him the letter.  There are just some moments that leave such an enduring impression you are forever changed. This was one of them :)

 

 

Sound

 

Number one - my son's voice.  Besides my first conversation ever with my husband (May 1998) I would have to say hands down my next favorite conversation was the morning after we put up our Christmas tree this year and my son starting the conversation with a Whoa!

 

VBS at church this past summer was such a special blessing and I got to co-lead music and to hear these children sing nightly for almost a week.  Their voices lifting up praises to God - Awesome! Truly awesome!

 

Another one that happened recently was when we got to light the Advent Candle and Drew let out his excited cheer at the end.  It felt like the "official" start to Advent equivalent to "Let's play ball!"

 

I love to hear the youth/kids discuss a Sunday School lesson or excited over a story in Godly Play.  There is just that warmth from your heart and burst of energy that flows through you as the children's excitement is contagious!

 

My husband's rich baritone voice offering encouragement, support, and the always touching "I love you's".  Nine years and his voice still races my heart, tingles my toes, and the occasional flip-flop of my stomach. 

 

Smell

 

I am not a big sniffer but I will try my best.  This one is going to sound crazy but diapers.  A fresh diaper just lifts my spirit - it means we get to start over all fresh and clean.  I know - crazy but I am a mom to a two year old -  trust me a diaper is like my alarm clock/scheduler.  The smell is highly telling of how my day is going to be :)

 

I love the smell of pumpkins and cinnamon and those warm autumn scents.  Don't get me wrong I appreciate the sweetness and lightness of summer with berries, melons, and citrus.  But I just love the Autumn season and the warmth and coziness of those smells that they bring to the background. 

 

Our house is starting to take on flavor whiffs as we cook more and more at home especially cooking that uses the crockpot creating those simmering wafts of smell that permeate our home from autumn through winter.

 

Play-doh just seems like a good memory smell of this year as I have definitely been more hands on with the younger population - being a full time mommy, which means playdates, being a nanny, an after-school counselor, and working with the children of our church.  That saltiness of Play-doh seems to be under my nose constantly.

 

The antiquated musty book smell as you open a library book as I have been making it more of a point to find books to read for learning as well as pleasure.

 

Taste

 

MMMMMMMMMMMM.  I am recalling the taste of ice-cream as it is one of my favorites.  It also reminds me of one of my favorite days with my nieces and nephews this summer as we learned the importance of Patience!

 

The saltiness of goldfish is very popular this year as my son discovered a love for them, we serve them at our Feast of Godly Play, and other kiddie events. Definitely the taste of goldfish ranks high for 2012.

 

Ahhh I would have to include my greatest find on Pinterest.  Sour Jewels ( grapes rinsed with water - don't dry - and then roll them in jello powder.  It makes a really cool effect if you coordinate colors.  Black cherry with Black grapes and the most popular lime with green grapes.) Super easy!  Kids love them and there are plenty of worst snacks out there.  I like to think of them as almost the healthy version of sour gummies :)  Used at least four times and a major success each and every time!!!

 

My favorite trick to improving any vegetable is roasting them and my favorite find in 2011 but ate plenty of them in 2012 is roasted Brussel Sprouts!  Oh they have such a fun crisp bite with a wonderful rich nutty flavor after roasting in the oven. 

 

My favorite find of 2012 was roasting my white pumpkin seeds.  Oh so good - sweet, salty, crunchy - YUMMY!

 

Touch

 

This sense I think speaks the most to my heart.  If you like Max Lucado one of my favorite writings that just sits heavy on my heart is found in Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado discussing how he healed the man with leprosy.  It just opened my eyes to how important touch is and how so many of us take it for granted.  Also if you have ever read Gary Chapman's Five Languages of Love he highlights how importance touch is to a loving relationship and how we communicate through touch to/with each other.

 

So my five favorite "touches".

 

The keys of the keyboard clicking under my nails/fingers as a data entry clerk as well as at home blogging or attempting to create new websites.

Beauty days when I was a nanny getting my nails done, my hair, and even my make-up.  I can feel the tugs, and tickles of brushes.  And the giggles at the final "look". 

 

Drew shows support to my work outs by becoming my "obstacle" or extra weight.  He loves to be picked up if I am marching to a DVD.  Or if it is a yoga/pilates one he likes to crawl under or over me or through my legs depending on the stance.  It makes me giggle and breaks up the routine quite often!

 

The best day I had working as an afterschool counselor was the day we explored our senses.  I was responsible for the touching exhibit.  I had eight different textures hidden under a blanket (so as not to be seen) for the kids to explore through touch.  It was fun to watch their eyes not completely sure what they were to feel (all household pantry staples - dry pasta, cooked pasta, shredded carrots, chunked baby carrots, water, dry rice with dry beans, whole lemon, broken saltine crackers).  I offered some of them the chance to opt out but everyone wanted a "go".  Some even brought parents back.  It just was one of those YAY moments :)

 

Of course I saved my favorite for last - cuddles with my two favorite guys - my cozy cuddles with my son as we listen to music, read, or watch television.  And one of the reasons I fall in love with my hubby daily is his all encompassing world protective loving warm embrace - the safest most wonderful place to be is in his arms. 

 

  Whoa! as my son said this year has been quite a wonderful year to remember.  It has felt like a whirlwind at points and then quite a lull during other moments.  Jesus encourages us to remain salty.  To keep adding our flavor to the world so that together we can create the perfect harmonious recipe of peace as we find the best part of ourselves to combine with the best of others to glorify our Wonderful Magnificent Creator.

 

May your HealthFULL Journey help you to remember the good moments that built a stronger flavor of your salt.  And feel free to lose those moments that dull your flavor. Otherwise continue Feeling Unbelievable and Loving Life! 'Til we meet again. . .

 

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

How would you spend your last 24 hours?

If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. 

So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.  -- Romans 14:8



 

 

Ho! Ho! Ho! mixed with a little Bah! Humbug! and a teensy bit of "It's the End of the World as We know it!" set to music.  Once again the Christmas season snuck into my life.  I need snow!!! This Southern no snow surrounding plays tricks on my mind that there is loads of extra time.  It is 12-22-12 (and four minutes) as I write this blog.  Which means I am still here and hope the rest of the world is doing as well :) These last couple of days my hubby and I are trying to squeeze in as much of the holiday spirit as we can as most households we have been experiencing colds, bugs, viruses, and just the yucky mean germs.  I have been scrubbing surfaces with one hand and blowing my nose with the other.  And then I looked at the calendar and either the world was supposed to end or I had less than three days to decorate, send out christmas cards, enjoy the holiday, and shop and wrap like there is no tomorrow!  No problem! 

 

We put up our tree while our little two year old slept snugly in his bed and I wish I had taped his reaction.  It was priceless - Speech Therapy is doing wonders as we actually had a spontaneous conversation - a limited vocabulary but he definitely led the topics ;)  And slowly as the week progresses the ornaments are moving farther North on the tree, inch by inch,  I am surprised it is still standing as there is so much weight to the top and none on the bottom :)  I also insisted on Tuesday that we go out and have some Christmas fun and to look at a Christmas Tree festival where local businesses and organizations sponsor and decorate trees.  So many fun themes - my favorites include a snowman, an angel, Wizard of Oz tree, and Special Needs Awareness.  Beautiful and creative and FREE!  What a fun way to find some cheer. 

 

So my question "How would you spend your last 24 hours?" (Obviously assuming you know its your last day.)  This also is predictable around the 12-21-12 date but it was a question I asked my youth Sunday School class last week.  It was my attempt to wrangle in the conversation and facilitate around my point.  However, I was expecting similar answers to mine - something low key with family and friends to just spend time with those we love.  I forgot how teenagers think.  There may or may not have included an answer of peeing off the Eiffel Tower.  And I may or may not have pointed out half your day would be spent traveling encouraging a new answer that only changed the building not the activity.  I also may or may not have had a youth say they would do all of the crazy (good or bad) events they have always wanted to try and spend the last hour in confession to be forgiven.  I appreciated the desire to be absolved but again was looking for time with those we cherish.  But it was their choice and I appreciate their feedback (at least they're talking is the silver lining :)  

 

Also to be fair I was on my third dose of cough medicine mixed with pain relievers/fever reducer and a combination of not such good sleep.  It is hard to be enthusiastic when in the back of your mind you are counting down to climbing back into bed.  But I think that question has hung with me all week.  How do I want to spend my time? I knew the people (my husband and son) and everyone else I love is bonus :)   And though I was 99.9% sure I would see 12-22-12 and many days after I certainly didn't want to miss a special moment with my family.  We have been rushing around like crazy because of the holidays, changes we've made in our household, and just my anxious personality that doesn't want to miss a thing!  My hubby gave me permission the other night as I stood and complained of being overwhelmed.  He gave me permission to just play with my son - to forget the chores/duties/whatever other events were bogging down my spirit.  He encouraged me to have fun and enjoy this precious time.  So today we did.  We admired the tree, we colored, we played fort, we tickled, we giggled, we sung, we ran errands (which got a bit tense) but we brought our dog which pleased my son and puppy to no end :)  And then when my hubby got home we popped some popcorn and watched a Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas which my son was glued to the television.  He agreed to snuggle because I agreed to sit on the floor.  We then went to a live nativity at our church which is amazing!  My son was so excited to see a real camel.  We then told him he could pet it and he took four steps back shaking his head no!  We walked the town, signed the census, saw the shops, and heard some stories. But at the end we saw the Holy Family and heard the angel's message and then heard my own angel sum up the event with a "hee haw" at the donkey and pointed to the star of Bethlehem - telling us to "Look!" "Look!"  We grabbed a cookie for the road and drove around looking at Christmas Lights.  We all agreed on a house that was both beautifully decorated and gorgeous and Drew's approval to live there.  I am guessing it only costs 1.1 million ;)   Kind of out of the stay at home mom's budget but who knows - miracles happen every day :)  We picked up chinese food on the way home - our bug-a-boo went to bed with no fuss.  It really was the way I would like to spend my last 24 hours -  Creating memories with my loved ones, remembering and honoring my Savior's birth, a little bit of indulgence and dreaming, and feeling warmed by the magic of Christmas (Hope, Love, Joy, Peace).

 

May your HealthFULL Journey leave you Feeling Unbelievable and Loving Life as you ponder, enjoy, and cherish this Christmas Season.  May you know the Reason for the Season and may you feel surrounded by love. 'Til we meet again. . . 



Workin' up a Sweat

 

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit,

who is in you, whom you have received from God? 

You are not your own; you were bought a price. 

Therefore honor God with your body. -- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

 

 

Can I be honest?  This piece of scripture haunts me.  I have confessed there have been many binges and some more recent than I want to remember let alone admit.  We joke about my downfalls in our home.  The foods that call my name at all hours when in the house and have a direct line to my Sal the Snacker (Chips (no self-control!!! nada - zilch!), Ice Cream (some control but little) and Pop has a hold I can't even describe!) I ban them I invite them I kick these foods out of the house again and there is that one moment of weakness and they move in their brother's wife's cousin's dog's best friend and everyone down the line.  I crave, I rationalize, I promise, I threaten, I ignore, and then I break down.  This can be agonizing.  And then I giggle when someone mentions I forgot to eat today - don't you hate that?  I nod and chuckle as if I am "in" on the joke but I'm giggling because I cannot fathom a day in this world where I would forget a snack let alone a day worth of meals!  I eat out of nervousness I am not 100% sure if that counts as emotional eating.  Because my anxiety can turn any moment into a nervous activity which then gives me permission to chow down.  Today a tongue in cheek confession was made to my husband as we joked about my temptations.  I will eat versions of those items that I don't even like because of what they say to me.  I remember drinking the world's grossest soda - It was blue and the name was something like blue mountain soda sparkling blue this was 10+ years ago.  It tasted like foaming carbonated paint thinner or some other household cleaner - rough stuff.  I believe I finished half a can and that is the only pop in this world I have not finished.  I used to find some diet sodas that tasted like soap but did I buy them more than once.  Why yes I did!  That has to say something - and probably not the nicest  or wisest comment. 

 

So what does this have to do with workin' up a sweat?  Well I recently stopped by the library for rejuvenation into the work-out world.  I started off strong this month promising myself I would do at least thirty minutes of dedicated on purpose working out so that anything extra was just bonus points.  I have dragged out the Wii that passively agressively reminded me that I have not visited in 253 days.  Why thank you Wii for noticing my absence - missed you too!  And then had the audacity to say I've gained 19 pounds in that time.  I guess the Wii Fit did not want me to visit again for another 253 days!  I have bonded again with the Walking DVD where my son believes he is meant to serve as my arm weight as he giggles along with the super peppy coach on the television screen.  Well that gung-ho attitude lasted a whole five days.  Then a couple more passed and I said "Suzy we have to make this work! The weight has to go and more importantly that blood sugar needs to get under control!!!"  I know in the logical world that exercise greatly impacts my blood sugar but when I am being pulled by Sal the Snacker and called by the cravings I leave logic blocked in a corner screaming for help!  Not that logic needs my help but it knows how much I need IT! And Logic wants to desperately help me in those desperate moments!   

 

So I tried to be pro-active and grabbed two DVDs from the library my free resource to dabble in movement.  One is a bellydance DVD which cracks me up (because at my size the belly dances pretty much all the time on its own  its just not quite in the manner people find attractive ;)  and a God inspired Sweating in the Spirit where we pull out the Hymns and the Gospel singers to motivate our movement.  The "coach" or "teacher"  quoted the above line quite often in the DVD.  Every time she said that scripture verse or the mantra " your body is your temple" - I winced.  Which is what we do when we view an action as dangerous or painful.  This wasn't her intention I'm sure.  She meant to be encouraging.  She was smiling and throwing up her arms in Glory to God.  And I was trying to sink into the floor away from God's gaze. 

 

Hmmmm....That kind of reaction deserves a ponder.  I say I want to beautify and strengthen my body, my temple in honor of God.  As a sign of respect!  That kind of thinking leads to work-outs which leads to so many wonderful options.  An instant gift is my son's reaction.  He is his Mommy's biggest cheerleader.  Certain DVD's cause him to giggle and copy mine and the television's instructor's movements.  Sometimes he finds it so delightful and entangles himself around me like a jungle gym when I do "fun" poses.  Such as straddling my legs or arching my back or creating a downward dog sort of pose that he can climb through and interact with me.  I love that!  I love when he discovers a new move or a new opportunity to see life from a new perspective.  These are the good moments when I am on my 'A' game and doing good.  But then I lose my hold on that scripture of empowerment and it becomes a blaming loud alarm as I stuff my face with bowl after bowl of potato chips.  The only growth besides my stomach is that chips at least last two days and not just one :( 

 

Oooh  If only I could hold unto the power of that verse.  That positive encouragement and reminder that fuels me to making good choices worth building up.  Instead of me sweeping it into dark corners as I run away distracted, confused, and blindly numbing myself with foods that clog and slow my journey instead of fueling me into the next stretch of positive growth.  Hmmmmmmm....

 

Day by day, moment by moment I trudge. 

 

Jesus looked at them and said, "with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." --Matthew 19:26 

 

God reach down and help me own the above scripture.  That my body is a temple to serve you to honor you and to always bring glory in your name.  I constantly fail in this area.  I turn away from the responsibility.  I hide my head in guilt and shame to avoid the pain this verse reminds of my failure.  I struggle God because I struggle never because my love for you falters.  Help me to remember to love what you gave me for life, my body and to treat it with respect.  Amen!

 

May your HealthFULL journey hold up a mirror to remind you of the areas where you are strong and where you have grown and a loving reminder of what still could use improvement.  Remember God loves you always where you are - God doesn't wait for you to lose ten pounds or until you can run a marathon.  God loves you right here, right now, and is waiting to hear your heart's desire and to witness ALL of your choices - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful ;)  'Til we meet again. . . 

To Be Still. . .

Be still and know that I am God. . . . -Psalm 46:10 (NIV -  partial verse)

 

This is not my home ;)  Welcome to the Biltmore Estate Christmas 2008 - Ashville, NC




Shhhh!!!!!! . . . . . .Deeply Breathe In and Long Exhale. Repeat and enjoy this time for one minute.  Wasn't that nice?  It is okay to take time to be quiet in this hurried season.  It helps to remember the REASON for the Season.  In the middle of a Christmas party I took a twenty minute nap.  Well maybe not in the center of the room but quietly snuck out to take in some quiet time.  A lot of news has been moving through my household  - some good, some not so good, and all a little bit stressful and then pour on the activities and schedule of the busy Christmas Season and I thought I was about to lose my mind. 

 

So I took a few moments to sneak out of my brother's house to appreciate the efforts of their entire household (echoed in many households this time of the year) from their decorations, to yummy treats, to beautiful children clad in their Christmas attire, while hosting a cozy festive affair inside their home.  I was without my guys as they were recuperating at home from their little bouts of illness. So it was me, myself, and I and I snuck unto their pool deck out of sight from the bustling household brimming with joy. 

 

It was the perfect moment to be still.  My brother loves Christmas lights - I mean loves them all: Icicles, twinkling, chasing, multi-colored, white lights, big bulbs, little bulbs, nettings, big ol' tacky Christmas blow-ups to a beautiful humble nativity scene removed from all of the over the top brightly colored items.  This scene serves as a great reminder to enjoy the festivities but remember the true REASON we celebrate and to preserve the holiness of the occasion.  Enjoy the treats, exchange the gifts but please take a moment to reflect on that miraculous night of holiness - the birth of our Savior - Emmanuel (God is with us). 

 

So as I said I snuck up the stairs which were high-lighted by multi-colored changing "carrot" lights (affectionately and appropriately described by my niece).  On their pool shed are slowly twinkling white lights that tried to be the death of my brother as he precariously stood on a slanted ladded resting on slanted ground.  Not the first time my brother's extra work benefitted me - he's a pretty good guy I must admit ;)  The air had a nice cool crispness as I settled into a pool chaise to face the white lights and surrounded by the decorated railing of carrot lights (cracks me up because they do look like carrots - how yet again a child's honest perspective daily changes my limited vision).  While resting in the moment enjoying the beautiful lights, the slight breeze nipping at my nose, and the sounds of my nieces and nephews running around with exuberant joy only to stop to welcome more guests - I felt God in the stillness.  It was beautiful.  I felt His warmth, His peace, and His love.  As I snuggle deeper into the chaise I begin to hear Christmas music and was worried for my sanity.  Was I really hearing Christmas carols or imagining them so vividly?  As a chuckle escaped from my lips I recalled that my brother has over the top Christmas decorations one being a tree that stands quite tall and dances/lights up in rhythm to the Christmas carols it emits.  Its a decoration that stands yards above the rest in function, fun, and true Christmas delight :)  

 

But as I sit there alone and just resting in the stillness I recounted all the times that I have enjoyed the quietness and wonder of enjoying Christmas lights and used them as almost a means of healing.  Christmas lights are a good ol' friend that has seen my rough edged kind of memory moments including concussion, break-ups (pre and post), breakdowns, rough illnesses of my own and those I love.  I think the soothing comfort traces back to early childhood as this was one of my favorite family Christmas traditions.  Every year mid-December (usually in honor of my brother's birthday) we would drive around for hours looking at the Christmas decorations surrounding our community.   Of course we had our yearly favorites, we would comment on many new additions those we liked or those we didn't, and we would also be still for minutes upon minutes just soaking up the delightful twinkling decor. 

 

All of this comfort of memories surrounded me with warmth and contentment as my breathing slowed into a deep quiet rhythm, my brain lulled into rest by the quiet stillness, and minutes passed as I enjoyed a Christmas night under the dark sky allowing the Christmas lights to shine even more. 

 

May your HealthFULL Journey be overflowing with joy, fellowship, and fun.  May there also be time to be still, quiet, and resting in the arms of God.  'Til we meet again. . .

Wheezing By. . .

 

The spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life. -- Job 33:4

My poor li'l guy.  He's been fighting this cold F-O-R-E-V-E-R.  At least it feels that way.  Its miserable to be the one with a cold but I would HAPPILY take over this cold if it meant my son would be wheeze-free.  Have you ever been winded?  Yes you fit folks might nod that after a marathon it takes a minute to catch your breath.  And those who are not as physically fortunate might understand that a flight of stairs has you gasping.  But what about the miserable toddler who's rocking in a chair with snot dripping down his face and you hear it that horrible vicious rattle.  Now those with untrained ears or untrained eyes might not catch it if the person is more than three feet away.  But my ears and eyes have been honed for decades for the wheeze or to see that slight pull in the chest when it is tight fighting for oxygen.  My family has some history of emphysema, asthma, allergic reactions, and one time included a medical helicopter flying family members out of state.  I suffered some allergy related asthma and battling weight for so long a good jog takes some recovery.  At my heaviest a walk across the living room counted as a marathon :( 

So although I am not a professional  I do have experience to look for the symptoms.  We were warned with our son's prematurity there were some indicators that he would get sick often if exposed and it would go straight to the chest (more specific - bronchioles).  I try hard to not be a complete puddle of a worry-wart especially when it comes to Drew.  I have checked his temperature daily (low-grade) Used wet wash cloths to wipe his nose to keep from becoming chapped (this is a picture from the early onset of this neverending cold!),  and perked my ears every time he has coughed.  They haven't been pleasant sounds but in the last 72 hours the wheeze has snuck into the arena.  We have a nebulizer to try to treat it early and save a trip to the doctor.

However, a two year old toddler turns this simple event into a 10 round wrestling mania event. He's quick, strong, and has a show no mercy mentality.  These events weren't pleasant before to give a breathing treatment.  He would twist his head as I would wrap him in a blanket on my lap and we would rock and either sing favorite songs or turn to our old friend Sesame Street/Mickey Mouse.  WOWSERS!  Things have changed.  It takes a while to get his hands contained within the blanket to stop easy access of grabbing the mask.  Then as both hands are grasping the blanket.  I slowly pinch the material tighter as I reach for the mask and turn on the machine.  Prison outbreaks have been less intensive than my son's moves.   He head butts my chin with the back of his head to distract me with pain which slackens my grip.  He then reaches straigh up with both hands to push apart my arms (total martial art move)  and then disassembles the nebulizer (the hose, the mask, and the cup of medicine so the liquid flies around the chair.  He then jumps down, runs away, screaming as if he was in a horror flick.  All of this within 34 seconds of the ten minute treatment.  Do you know what this means?  He begins another WORSE coughing fit and that we have to do the treatment over.  BOO:(  I'll sum up the second treatment took 64 seconds to accomplish pretty much the same maneuver.  I became slightly smarter but the kid still had the edge by a long shot.  We called that attempt good and have tried two others slightly better but definitely not the whole treatment.

So today in the doctor office as we tried to get an oxygen saturation reading (if you ever have seen the E.T. fingers that lighted clamp on a finger or toe usually does this job.  But to read properly it helps to have stillness.  Have you ever seen a two year old play statue?  They lose - every time! After three seconds! We got a reading not nearly as bad as we expected great sign.  uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh.
But the doctor still wants to attempt a treatment.  *mommy weeps*  We did ....I was about to write awesome but I am going to tame it down to somewhat acceptable.  Watching toddler olympics in the mirror adds a whole other level of shame attempting to help this child breathe looks ridiculous and somewhat dangerous.  Especially from my side as my child broke free from a full mask covering and started BITING my sweater at the wrist.  Really?  But we got through it - he sounded a lot better which means goody we get to do more treatments.  Actually our doctor (who is fabulous and I wouldn't trade for the world - kind, compassionate, great with children, smart, thorough, and cautious - I appreciate the caution!)  gave us an option of an inhaler.  Kind of sad that is entering our household so early.  Not only does my son wear glasses before the age of two (I was five) but now he has his own inhaler at 2 years old :(  How I pray that he will outgrow this issue!

We have some other medicine and an appointment in a couple of days to check up.  I was hoping that with this medicine we might get some better sleep and I mean WE.  But as we approach the 2 am hour my son has been awake twice already.  Better turn on the coffee I feel it's going to be a long night! 

May your HealthFULL Journey only steal your breath away for those awe-inspiring moments and never as a thief to kill your spirit. ' Til we meet again. . . 

Turn the Page

        You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. - Psalm 23: 5-6

 

Ahh!  Turn the page - its such an exciting moment for readers.  What turn will the story take?  Are the words leading to something exciting or is it time to take a step back and learn more information?  Is the journey expected? Anticipated? Or thrilling with twists and turns?  And the ending what will I feel when the ending happens?  Some are satisfying - some are plain upsetting and my favorite stories are the one that leave you mesmerized.  These can be biographies or self help or novels and yes...the Bible.  I don't know of anyone who picks up the Bible one day starts at Genesis works through the Old Testament into the New Testament and finishes with Revelation all in one day.  It is actually uncommon for many people to do that with a year.  We like to pick through our favorite books, our familiar passages, and mentally nibble on these scriptures as we contemplate life, ponder our purpose, and wonder about our wandering. 

 

 

The above picture is my actual Bible.  I have other versions and copies of the Bible.  But the actual book pictured?  It's my favorite.  Its stolen - don't worry the first owner has knowledge of this theft and has even given his blessing of its home now being with me (even if it is begrudgingly ;)  I can't tell you all the places this book has traveled but it has seen most of the U.S. from Florida to Alaska and much in-between.  But what would be even more challenging to tell you is - where I've traveled with this HealthFULL Journey. 

 

Some of the days I turn the pages of this book my life dramatically shifts.  Somedays it is my mood - I may come to these verses: lost, confused, bitter, depressed, thrilled,but I walk away confident, encouraged, with purpose, grateful, energized, or somber.  Some readings have led to dramatic results - applying for new jobs, accepting volunteer opportunities, facing school yet again.

 

Yep -That is my new page.  I was reading the 23rd Psalm for a bible study to finish off the week.  Here this Psalm that many of us are familiar and yet this reading had a profound impact as if I was reading it for the first time.  This assignment came right after I received my letter of invitation to seminary to study for my Master of Divinity. I am excited, apprehensive, confident, overwhelmed, and yet when I read these verses - peace from the Holy Spirit just wrapped their arms of comfort and held me.  This book is more than words on a page - it is a Living Breathing Word of today. 

 

I remember one of my first classes from college that opened with two students pairing up and answering a couple of questions.  The first question we were to ask of each other is "What is the Bible?"  I was extremely confident that college would be a breeze as I obviously "knew" the right answer to this question.  I smiled proudly and said "The Bible is the Word of God." Ready to take my bow in delight.  My partner responded something along the lines of  "A book of myths that Christians see as history and use as a manual in their faith".  *Eyebrows raised*  What?!?!? That is not what My Church teaches!  I was ready to raise my hand and tell the professor that my partner was sadly mistaken.  But I realized then that I had a lot to learn in life.  So I did not tattle and began to wrestle with that choice.

 

13 years later I have to confess I still think my answer was the right answer ;)   I just have a lot more reasons to back it up besides my church saying so.  I have that experience of studying, wrestling, reading, pondering, and even the pleasure of just listening to these verses.   Do I know all there is to know about the Bible.  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  So everyday I pick it up and Turn the page. . .oh what exciting places we'll go. 

 

May your HealthFULL Journey lead you to places and experiences you couldn't imagine in the past, but appreciate for the future journey, and couldn't even fathom living without them in today's path. May each turn of the page encourage a journey that leaves you Feeling Unbelievable & Loving Life. 'Til we meet again. . .

Sometimes Sleep is a Team Effort

Belle (my dog) and Smokey (my cat) are true Bed Buddies :)

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, for the Lord sustains me. - Psalm 3:5

Oh how sleep eludes me!  I have never been a "good sleeper"minus two times in my life - when I had mono and pregnant.  How I miss those 12 - 14 hour naps ;)  I know in this world there are good sleepers.  My dad was one and my husband is as well.  These men I love blow my mind.  I tell myself I should go to sleep so I can get seven hours of sleep.  That is a pretty long night for me.  Six is average.  I am functionable at five hours.  Ooooh four is pushing it but I will try to rush to bed and yell at myself to fall asleep.  Ouch here comes only three hours available to sleep but still doable.  Oh no Oh no only two 1/2 hours - maybe a power nap will do it for the day.  Nail biter under two hours and under one is it even worth trying? 

That is my typical night before a big day.  And that was before I had the spontaneous alarm clock of a child at two years old.  It's like playing an all too important game of concentration but you really have no idea when the alarm will buzz.  Don't get me wrong I don't just watch the clock tick I attempt to lay down in bed, read, watch tv, send out an e-mail or two, possibly a blog like this entry in hopes to "clear my mind" so that I will stop flip flopping in bed. 

Now here is my  husband's attempt at sleep before a busy day or early morning.  Oh I need to get up at 6:00 am.  At 10:50 p.m. he will announce to me he is going to bed, check on our son, finish little nightly ritual, climb into bed 10:58 p.m. I will keep him up chit chatting for ten to fifteen minutes because there is something about him going to bed that will rip the cord on my thought train.  Sure I have seen him all day and talked several hours but it is in the quiet of that room that I have to ponder life's greatest decisions.  We will officially kiss good night at 11:10 p.m. and he will be asleep by 11:19 p.m. - if that late!!! Come on!!! I sometimes hope his sleeping magic will drift my way if I go to sleep at the exact same time.  I say my prayers including my nightly ritual of the Lord's prayer  since I was seven.  Funny what routines we carry from childhood into adulthood - take note parents these small actions do matter!  And then I just lay there.  Look at the clock, pet my cat, count sheep, flip sides, flip pillow, seek the cool spot with my toes and NADA!!!  My legs jump, I try to clear my thoughts and they just push harder and faster through my thoughts, and the whole time I can hear the ticking of our digital clock.  After 30 minutes (sometimes 20 if I am incredibly jumpy) I get up because I am about to lose my mind!  And to hear the deep breathing of my sleeping husband is like rubbing salt in the insomniac's wound!

And if I could sleep a couple hours straight through a couple of days in a row maybe I could sleep train myself.  But instead my adorable toddler is sleep-training me to be completely unfunctionable for society.  Maybe the kid is a crazy genius who knows a sleepy mommy is a pliable mommy :)

So after a busy Friday ending with a fun hanging of the greens at our church and the possible overactive, overly congested toddler coughing up to the point of disgusting mess on himself (who of course has extra set of clothes), mommy (who does not have an extra set of clothes) and carpeting called it an early evening.  Drew in bed by 8:30 p.m. Mommy in bed by 8:36 p.m.  This is a RARE situation so rare my husband tapped me awake at 8:43 p.m.  "Honey, do you really want to fall asleep now?"  With a quick thought and a possible nod if you count my head hitting the pillow as a way to say I think so - better to get a couple of hours then nothing. 

Someday's you have a stroke of genius.  Mine was that permission and God-granted gift of sleep at 8:30 p.m.  because the spontaneous alarm went off at 2:30 a.m. Ha ha kid I have six hours of sleep in me too!  I will happily meet your challenge this evening and combat you with love, patience, and kindness instead of the groggy whine and plead for sleep even thirty extra minutes.  That's good I had six hours because we were up until 6:30 a.m.  Oh we chatted, I had grabbed a blanket and pillow for a true slumber party.  We petted the dog.  How our dog is such a saint.  This is that teamwork aspect.  She laid down between me and my son in his crib and just let us each take turns petting her.  Wish her actions would trickle down to the cat who for some reason feels a quiet house needs to hear a cat meow every two hours - it's like playing wake the baby roulette.  Except the cat never seems to lose but the house's odds are quite slim to nil.  I changed his diaper, we rocked, we sang, we laughed, We told stories (I have to confess at 3:45 am I did not understand his twenty minute version of something but his lion and him seemed to think it was a roaring good time ;). A little after four I thought he had used up his energy sent out a quick couple of e-mails and then heard the cries - Pumped myself up like a boxing champ and ran into the ring for another ten rounds. Finally I fed him breakfast at 5:30 a.m. toast, cereal, and banana, and some milk.  I enjoyed a bowl of mashed potatoes - close enough.
We watched Disney Junior cartoons which encouraged my son to be up for the day so that was promptly shut off.  Crazy television! 

And yes we both succumbed to sleep for several more hours!  I have to give some thanks to my hubby for not only allowing me to take an early bedtime but took care of all the evening business, straightening kitchen, fixing our child's nightlight that went out, locking doors, and taking care of pets.  My son who was the challenger but also my teammate for sleeping a solid six hours before our nightly shenanigans and then taking quite the morning power nap. God for hearing my prayers that I needed more sleep and allowing me the opportunity to lay down and conk out before 9 p.m.  And my pets especially my puppy with her caring way to allow my son the opportunity to choose a soothing activity like petting her for at least fifteen minutes.   And even the cat for only doing one round of waking the baby roulette.  See in our household it truly is a team effort to catch some ZZZZZzzzzz's

May your HealthFULL Journey allow you the time to rest, to recuperate, and to refresh so that you can continue to make progress in your journey for complete Health and the opportunity to Feel Unbelievable & Love Life. 'Til we meet again. . .

Finally, my tiredness kicked in

Counting our Blessings

Drew you are my biggest blessing on Earth - May you never
know a day without faith, hope, or love!

 I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. -- 1 Timothy 2:1-2

If you are social media such as Facebook (which HealthFULL Journey has a community page as well as an official website at www.HealthFULLJourney.com )  in November you probably noticed a lot of postings of daily reasons to be grateful as we approached the Thanksgiving Feast. 

These posts are great reminders that with a little extra thought we remember what truly matters in life.  Our family, our friends, our needs being met, our wants being fulfilled, and the chance to pursue our dreams and that no matter what is in the bank account, or the number on the scale, or the bills in the mailbox we can change our attitude and remember why we should be brimming in gratitude.

Wouldn't that be a good thing to do in December?  We get caught up in the hustle and the bustle of the season and sometimes forget the true REASON.  Maybe this month we could list a blessing and a short prayer.  Perhaps we could remind each other that a few seconds or even a few minutes of quiet, to spread goodwill and cheer will help us connect to the true meaning of Christmas. 

Maybe you are not one for public prayer because of various reasons.  Maybe you could perform a random act of kindness as we countdown the days to Christmas.  Gestures to remind people that gifts, carols, plays, parties, decorations, etc. are wonderful demonstrations of love to share the Good News that our Savior is soon to be born.  But not to forget that these are expressions or acts to demonstrate love.  May they not be the bane or deterrent to what is a joyous season. 

Will you join me in remembering to count your blessings and to share the love of Christ through prayers and acts of kindness to share with the world the true Reason for the Season?

May your HealthFULL Journey include too many blessings to count and continue to multiply as you add blessings to the lives around you. 'Til we meet again. . .

Beginning to look like Christmas :)

Christmas 2010 - When our li'l one was still li'l :)

Look, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel," which means, "God is with us." --Matthew 1:23

I love that name - "Emmanuel".  That God chose to truly walk among us.  He could have remained on His throne and let us tough it out.  He could have came as an all powerful King but he didn't.  He chose His son to be born a baby.  He chose to show us he cared and would walk with us every step of the way. 

Maybe this is why Christmas is such a precious holiday.  Because babies remind us that life is fragile.  That as humans we truly need relationships - connections to other human beings to survive right from the start.  The commercial push is to start Christmas the instant we wash our Thanksgiving dishes (and certain stores stockpile their Christmas merchandise directly next to their Halloween decor).  I have to admit I to start the Christmas holiday the day after Thanksgiving.  But this is more due to the influence of my family than the stores. 

My family loves Christmas!  We embrace the seriousness, the beauty, the magic, the cheesy factor - oh we embraced it all!!!  The day after Thanksgiving was the haul out the decorations and start what would be most likely a week long project.  There was not a room untouched, or a corner unadorned.  We used to put up at least eight Christmas trees (obviously artificial of all different sizes - but ALL were decorated).   There would be Christmas Carols pouring out of the stereo (but this tradition started in August and would run into February - I may not be able to name a single current recording artist but I can name most Christmas Carols within five notes ;)   You can see the outpour of love for this holiday continued to my brother's household who somehow found a lady who loved Christmas as much as he did.  And my brother takes it a step further not only does he cover every inch of the inside of his house but Clark Griswold eat your heart out on the outside decorations which usually has at least one new purchase  to drive the holiday spirit home.  I've shared I loved this holiday so much it was my wedding theme and I was married in July :) 

Christmas to me obviously is the celebration of my Saviour's birth.  That God chose to truly live among us when He didn't have to but wanted to show His love in a way we could appreciate.  We know He can truly understand our temptations, our triumphs, our challenges because he lived them without sin. Wow! 

Now we all get caught in the drama, the details, the hoopla of the Season but there are so many blessings mixed into the commercial monster of it.  Greeting Cards are a wonderful way to remind people - we care, we think of you, and we wish you the best.  Although I am sure we will not be the only family that takes twenty family shots to pick the one that captures our best group look :)  Gifts are a way to express love in that tangible way some of us need.  That a gift touches upon our thoughts - you are listening, you do know me, and above all you value me.  Money is tight and we get consumed by the advertising and the call to spend and forget it TRULY is the thought that counts.  We go overboard on decorating, shopping, baking, visiting, and all the doing and sometimes forget the being present, forgetting: to listen, to sit still, to hope, to wonder, to wish, to share, or to just be. 

I'm fighting that this weekend I would love to be further on my to - do list with the decorations up, the smell of baking wafting the house, and the Christmas Cards addressed and ready for pick-up.  I am nowhere close to my ideal version of this weekend.  My li'l one is sick, that crazy cold it sounds like so many have.  One minute he seems perfectly toddler healthy, running and giggling, and the next moment cuddling with mommy while wearing new pajamas because the coughing was so harsh that a bath was required :(   So as I reach for a project to begin I hear the coughs and slowly push away the to-do list.  Because if the magic of the holiday is to be available, inviting, and full of wonder then I have to let go of the shoulds, the coulds, the woulds, the ought-to's, and be... Be ready, be available, and to be still. 

May your HealthFULL Journey be one of wonder as we embrace the Christmas Season and more importantly the REASON for the Season.  As your to-do list grows do not be afraid to cross out the extras or the overwhelming gestures and to remember that Simple and Humble is how Our Saviour greeted us, maybe the best way to celebrate Him is in the same way.  'Til we meet again. . .  

Taking Forward Steps

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”--Joshua 1:9

 

Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!  That's how ideas flip through my thoughts.  I sometimes feel like bees are just buzzing and flitting through ideas.  I get easily excited and therefore pretty easily discouraged.  But sometimes you just get those ideas that clamor for attention.  They pull your nerves and tighten your muscles until attention is paid.  Sometimes these ideas seem so overwhelming.  You sidestep, you run, you hide, you dodge, you plead for these ideas to let go and find a new home.  Someone able, someone eager, someone enthusiastic, someone younger, just someone else would be nice to offer a haven to this craziness.  Finally, you convince yourself it is easier to attempt the first step and be rejected or roadblocked then continue to hear that squeal of the gears crunching together and jamming to a halt as you try to brake the constant whirrrrr! 

 

So I did it. I took the first step forward in what I feel is my life Calling.  I applied to seminary.  Just three years ago I re-applied to college to finish my degree after a seven year hiatus.  I certainly did not think that I would not only finish my B.A. but that I would actually apply to graduate school.  Whew!  It is exhausting to even imagine working towards my Master of Divinity while also chasing after a two year old.  But it's one step at a time, right?

 

I have felt overwhelmed a lot lately.  So to lessen the load I have been trying to put out little fires, de clutter here and there, make a menu, blow off responsibility and read or tinker on the www.HealthFULLJourney.com website, or just grab my son and head outside.  I probably should the last one more.  Once I get stuck in my thoughts it is hard to remember the importance of fresh air and simply changing surroundings can make a huge difference.  Right?  It is easy to get stuck.  Its easy to let those negative thoughts pull you down and crush your spirit. 

 

Tricks, gimmicks, are mental band-aids and sometimes they absolutely do the trick.  Sometimes you just have that snag or scratch that needs a little TLC and is poof all better.  But then occasionally the muck is sticky, thick, and STRONG!  Those situations can only be slightly delayed with a trick of breathing or a visual gimmick of peace.  Those moments when you truly are snagged by the hardening muck needs professional hands. 

 

Whew!  So it has come to that time for me.  It has been three and half years that I have held onto this so unhealthy weight.  There will be phases of great progress and then Whoosh as I slide down the mountain.  There is huge part of me that is ready to clean house and say farewell, but something isn't clicking.  So many wonderful blessings have came into my life and rocked my world in such a fabulous way with so many areas of my health VASTLY improved the physicality just isn't showing as much progress.  So I am going to work a little more on the mental/emotional areas and hopefully will trigger that physical response.  I have decided with some friendly suggestions and encouragement it is time to visit a counselor and deal with that mental storage room that is just crammed with junk.  I believe I have kept that off limits because of the anxiety of being pulled back into horrible replay of those sad memories that we can't quite let go that is full of failure, regrets, embarassment, and just the yuck files of life.  Sure those memories are minimal compared to the blessings in one's life usually until you get trapped in the room with them, face -to-face and then in that instant feel bigger than those monsters of childhood.

 

Just acknowledging that there is those issues to paw through so most can be let go is somewhat healing which leads to taking forward steps.  We can sidestep, skip, crawl, tiptoe, sneak all we want, but none of those actions help to strengthen ourselves or lead to a healthier life on this journey.  So for me to keep Feeling Unbelievable & Loving Life it means taking forward steps.  It means reclaiming confidence in my gifts and abilities.  It means acknowledging mistakes but not attaching them to me as a lifelong anchor.  It also means getting angry, vulnerable, and personal.  Whew!  But it will lead to blessings I truly believe.  Every pound lost adds valuable precious time to share here on Earth with my beautiful son and fabulous hubby and amazing friends and family.  Maybe that's the way to look at the weight loss - an extra tick on the life clock.  Each effort is a positive.  My first task is to drink MORE WATER and less and less soda.  Forward steps.  Sure I have conquered this healthy step several times over but than I slip back into the comfortable pattern of four to five cans of diet soda easily and slowly let go of drinking water habit.  Why is it so easy to backslide a gazillion steps and almost back-breaking to take that one positive forward step?  Especially when we know where we want to go and why! 

 

May your HealthFULL journey be forward moving with few backslides.  It's good to remember your starting point and to be aware of the forward progress that has occurred but be careful not to get stuck in the past by mistakes or by successes for it is the forward steps of today that lead us to the progress of tomorrow.  God's Blessings 'Til we meet again. . .