Seeking something Better

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Have you had that day? Oh you know that day where you are looking for the lost keys, can't find the keys until you look for your wallet but then find your keys? Can't find your wallet and start looking for you shoes, no shoes but there is the wallet. I have not been able to find my Bollywood DVD that I really enjoyed (and is now overdue, OOPS!). I searched upstairs, guest bedroom, kitchen, everyone where practical and everywhere not so practical. Nada. I checked twice in unobvious places and three times in obvious. Still nowhere to be found. I resolved myself to paying for the DVD and maybe hopefully finding it one day. I then had to find a notebook with some important information. Started re-checking all the spots I have visited today and guess what found the Bollywood DVD but no notebook. So yay but eek! Since I couldn't find the DVD this morning I went with Yoga as I was ready to work out and had to get on with my life after a forty minute hide and seek. (Maybe I could have counted this as my workout :) It became a day of frustration and I turned to some familiar vices. I was getting agitated trying to figure out a schedule with some unpredictable days and paying bills and the drill of everyday life that can get frustrating if you allow the unknown details to stress. I allowed myself to stress and turned to old coping skills. Which means food. I could sense what I was doing but didn't want to be aware. I caught myself shoveling chips into my face because they're easy. Open a bag, pop in mouth, Voila! I let myself feel sorry and nervous and didn't want to problem solve or be strong. I wanted to munch and gnaw my way through the unresolved feelings. I forced myself to stop and that was the food victory. I want to beat myself up and then recomfort myself with sweets. Its like a bad relationship, food beat me up add the calories, soothe my worries, I'll feel guilty and then to feel better will munch away once again on flavors of sweet and comforting textures. But I reminded myself to be present. Not only was I snacking my way through frustration but I wasn't even enjoying the food. Which is ridiculous. Stuff my face and not even enjoy it. Those calories are so not worth it. Today not a huge victory but also not a total defeat. And sometimes surviving a battle is the best one can do, every day wins will not make me a champion, but surviving every day makes me a contender. I am still in the fight! May your journey have you seeking something better and that when needed you find what has been lost. 'Til we meet again. . .