The Rise and Fall of Confidence

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I started out with a stellar morning. You know the kind where you jump out of bed ready to slay dragons, leap tall buildings and still clean the house before lunch. Maybe I was still feeling the endorphins of my Bollywood experience or perhaps because it is TGIF. Isn't there something just electric about Fridays? Saturdays and Sundays are nice, but Fridays hold the anticipation of the infinite possibilities that the weekend may hold. I was able to squeeze in 21 minutes of a quick Wii Fitness routine and me and the Wii shared a little April Fool's joke. I got ready, pulled out tofu for tonight's dinner (tofu sloppy joes, sweet potato fries and asparagus , YUM!) and for breakfast had an ice cream bar. Maybe not a practical everyday solution but today I was feeling invincible. I looked over the calories, carbs, protein, and fat and they were all in reasonable limits (it was an ice cream bar from Weight Watchers.) Two hours later I realize why we need something a little more substantial as I was feeling some grumbling. But for that moment I felt like wonder woman ready for her power bracelets and cape (though for now I'll hold off on the lycra suit :) It wasn't even ten a.m. and I had my food victory(prepping for dinner, eating breakfast, reading labels, and making a choice!) and movement done for the day. And though I had a pretty good day, here it is evening and I am overwhelmed with emotions and doubts. I had two homework assignments and had left them last minute once again. As I am trying to process through the blahs I realize that is also part of the journey. I will have highs but I will also have lows. For awhile I have felt in my heart that if this journey is to be FULL, then it also has to be real. It is time to confront some past memories that I ignored when they were happening. It is time to look back, reflect, and say good bye to some of the pain that I have held too long on my waist, my hips, and my stomach. Hopefully, by sharing some of these struggles I can feel unburdened and release the extra weight on my shoulders. One memory that I wished I had spoken up. My weight has not only confined my breath but my voice. I was working at a grocery store at my heaviest about seven years ago I was roughly 60+ pounds heavier than I am today. My work shirt didn't fit as it couldn't button "comfortably" and by comfortably I mean several buttons would come undone. So I wore a work sweatshirt over it. Which I stretched and stretched and it still barely fit. I was helping a customer and her daughter asked her mother a very simple question. "Why is that lady (I would be that lady) so fat?" And the mom first tried to ignore her daughter (maybe 4 years old) I too took the mother's cue and acted indifferent as if I did not hear the daughter who was only 10 inches from me. Most people know the daughter does not pick up the adult cue of ignorance is bliss. She again asked her mother the same question. Her mother now panics that I will hear this question and tells her daughter to stop. Her daughter repeats the question louder and the mother grabs her husband and panickly demands that he take their daughter out of the store. I still remain neutral and non reactive. Although my heart is breaking for the little girl who doesn't understand what she has said to upset her mom. Once her curious daughter is gone, The mom then fidgets with her wallet, smiles a nervous smile and tries to compose herself. I continue to remain neutral and end our forced overpolite exchange. I have thought of this incidence numerous times. There were so many choices that could have led to a better out come. In real life three of us left that exchange uncomfortable, embarassed, and hurt. Had I said one thing or shown acknowledgement at least one of us would have walked away in an improved state. This journey is to Fully Understand Life by Living. This incident is only one example that I was only going through the motions and not truly living. I still have that sweatshirt, it's baggier these days, but I also had this memory that would tighten my heart. I hope the mom was able to calm her daughter and let her know that it isn't wrong to ask questions, to be curious, to want to know more. And maybe the person I used to be can find her voice in all these heavy memories. May your journey be Full of possibilities and low on regrets. 'til we meet again. . .