Letting Go

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Oh it isn't easy to let go, is it? I will admit I have my moments of being a control freak and it was only a couple of years ago that I even realized that I do not like to have chaos occur without a safety net. So carefully I would hide my nets without even realizing it. And if I am being honest I don't like to loosen my grip because my trust is so low. I hated trust falls because of my weight. Or at least I told myself that. But maybe it's I hold my weight because I don't trust. My own personal chicken/egg quandry, which came first? I remember a time when I was about 14 years old. I was at camp and we were participating in several team building unity games/exercises. One was to move our group over a mud pile using only a rope unto a small square platform. Possible but only with maneuvering and team work. I have little arm strength, even back then. I am unaware if I have ever done a chin up on the monkey bars. Heck I didn't even like the monkey bars where you hang all of your body weight with only your arms holding you in the air. Yeah not my cup of tea. And I remember thinking back then, no way could I ever lift myself in the air, swing through the air on the rope, and land somewhat gracefully on that box. No way, I am no Tarzan! But we all had to make our "attempt" and I will admit those early teenage years I was a bit surly. So I gave it a run, well a little jog, jumped for the rope and made contact. Amazing for one whole second until all of a sudden I flip upside down and splat in the mud hard (and just because it is a weird detail I remember I was wearing all white, inside out sweatshirt , because yes I was that cool . Forgive me it was early nineties and white shorts.) Oh this game is done. I fell in the mud, made a fool but thank goodness it is over let's move on. There was one other part to this exercise building teamwork. If someone touched the mud (you know with the tip of their sneaker, I proudly was the only person to fully land in the mud) the WHOLE group had to start over. I don't how team-building this part was as much as team anger building :) The group was about half way when I went kersplat! So off everyone comes (I am going to say there was roughly 16 of us, faulty memory could be 10 could be 20. 16 seems fair). They asked if I was injured. Nope because I was a clumsy kid with plenty of padding. Just a bruise to the old ego and really dirty clothes. So they let me stand off to the side. And as I watched, I cheered on the team, helped strategize and then we got to about three people to go. When they start saying my name. Alright let's get Suzy on the platform. Oh no she is already on the platform (there were two Suzy's if you could believe it.) And they're like, no its your turn. Umm..no!!! I am covered in mud, remember I fell flat on back, proving I am not coordinated enought to participate. No way people! And I believe the counselors were going to give me a pass. But no, some smarty pants has to follow the rules and shout from the box. I wanted to cry. And I certainly debated if I should claim injury. But after quite a bit of hemming and hawing. (Seriously covered in mud!!!!) I gritted the teeth I ran grabbed the rope, whispered a prayer, and three seconds later I swung through the air (That's right all of me) swung through the air and landed on the platform. Oh wow! How freeing, how amazing! And seriously had I hung on for two more seconds no muddy clothes? I've held myself back a lot in my life without even counting those moments. I just know I would be the person clinging to the mountain losing my grip and someone standing there offering me their hand for support. And I would shake my head you could never hold me. And yet I have no chance of survival gripping to the mountain. Slowly on this HealthFULL Journey I am letting go of my preconceived notions. I am letting go of my safety comforts. And most importantly I am slowly letting go of my shield, pounds and pounds of it. This morning I had to let go (it is slowly becoming a daily exercise) because I had prayed last night. God it would help if I could wake up extra early to get my movement in, ready for a trip, and finish a work project. Oh God has a sense of humor. I awoke at one a.m. to what sounded like a hail storm and a horrible windstorm. A little too early. So at 4:45 a.m. my dog awakes me by licking my elbow. Has she lost her mind? Miss Belle felt she had to go outside. So I drag myself out of bed and was going to crawl back into bed for about a half hour more of sleep; when I remembered "You wanted to wake up early". Oh no! But I was feeling somewhat awake. I gathered myself and hit the Wii Fit. I did a nice long boxing routine with a little yoga to equal 31 minutes. I then proceeded to clear the dishwasher, pull out the expired food, get ready, and cuddle with my little boy while thinking about the work project. Such a great start to my day, until I realized I misjudged my time and ran late to work. Seriously? I wake up at 4:45 a.m. and I am still late to work? Ridiculous! So I had to let go of my morning agenda. Perfection would not occur today. My food victory is slowly letting go of my snack comforts. Not that all snacks are bad. My choices were for the most part. Snacks range usually 100 - 200. Mine could be anywhere from 400 - 1200 extra calories. That high number is the total number of calories many people consume. And that is my snack? I am learning about snacks that are packaged to discourage extra snacking/bingeing. I also am trying to find items not pure carbs. (I LOVE CARBS!) and need more variety. Letting Go is never easy! May your HealthFULL Journey leave you surprised, blessed with humor and the ability to laugh yourself, and most important that you have trust in yourself and those you hold dear. 'Til we meet again. . .