One step into the Next step to equal 560

Once again procrastination has me finishing my fifteen minute goal of movement at 11:57 pm. Today was going to be the day I played hooky. I could feel the stubbornness settling into my muscles and the coaxing voice of temptation easing me into a state of compliance. Whispering sweet nothings like "Oh, you are so tired. Doesn't the bed sound comfy and sleep sound divine?" "Is missing one day really going to matter?" "You can double up tomorrow and decide to work out at least thirty minutes." "Today was busy chalk it up that we can't be perfect". And all of these words sounded so justified and comforting. And as I began to lull myself into a relaxed state of delusion, my health beckoned, my will rallied, and determination fought one last angry burst screaming "NOOOOOoooooooooooo! Fifteen minutes matter because we are establishing a habit. Don't give into the temptation of comfort! You are only hurting yourself and your future!" And then with one final plea, "Don't try for fifteen minutes, just do five. I can quit after five knowing I did my best." And without much thought I grabbed the kitchen timer, set it for fifteen minutes and headed to the steps. My husband asked what I was doing because I was obviously a woman on a mission. And I replied almost sarcastically that I was going to do my fifteen minutes of movement. Wasn't it obvious how I got up from my sleepy state on the recliner and stomped to the steps like an upset teenager. With my feet I began to climb our steps, one step after another, climbing all fourteen steps. Our poor dog, she ran up the stairs all excited as she loves to lounge on our chaise as it contours with her long back. I warned her I wouldn't be upstairs long and upon the top of our steps I turned around and walked back downstairs. Which drove my dog bananas. She then waited eagerly me at the top of the steps wagging her tail. As I reclimbed the fourteen steps I bent down to pet her and then returned down the steps but this time with company. From what I gathered we weren't partners but competitors as she raced me down the stairs. She won. She also won our next two sets of up and down. With a triple crown she called it quits baffled at my actions. I walked forwards, backwards, and sideways. Whatever position would help speed up time. After twenty sets of walking up and down the steps (all 560 of 'em) I hit fourteen minutes and forty seconds. I cooled down the last twenty seconds pacing on even ground. This was a hard workout. It was a mental success and an emotional overload. I didn't want to and I was seconds from giving in. But the thought of not doing something was too overwhelming. There will be days I will fall asleep without a daily workout complete. But that day couldn't be today. I really want/need to establish a pattern that won't be easily erased. If I want to get Healthy than I need to push through these tough moments and forge forward. My food victory was two fold. I picked up fast food for dinner with two sandwiches and fries. I ate my fries and started on the grilled sandwich and realized I was full after eating it. There was still a cheeseburger in my bag which is what I really wanted. But I had to wrestle with my thoughts for a moment. I was full and yet still wanted to eat my tasty cheeseburger. I had to remind myself that I could eat it tomorrow. That's right, nowhere does it say that food purchased must be eaten within twenty minutes. So I have lunch ready to go YAY! and I didn't gorge. I also turned down chocolate cake with the family. It was tempting as it looked delicious. Again nowhere does it say, one must always be eating in the company of others eating always! It's okay to let someone else munch, freeing me to talk and concetrate on listening to others. May you HealthFULL Journey lead you to clear paths and not deceptive routes. 'Til we meet again. . .

Uh- Oh this is not for beginner's!!!

Let's start with the food victory of today. I had three minor breakthroughs for today. One: I ate breakfast, gave my son his bottle, and ready to eat again. What? Am I now linked to the baby's metabolism. It has only been thirty minutes since I finished breakfast and in my head I am ripping through the cupboards. Okay thoughts let's pull together. Think past the craving, Stomach? Are we truly hungry? No. We are home for the day, the food is going nowhere let's start to pull together a plan of what needs to get done. And I just started clearing stuff off my to do list. Play with baby. Check! Strip sheets, change bedding. Check! Sweep and vacuum. Done! Let's give the baby an early bath and get ready for the doctor. On a streak! Sterilize bottles for the rest of the day. Throw in some laundry, we're chugging along. Thinking about food, not a second! Drew was ready for his doctor's and smelling good we still had about 2 1/2 hours. So I let him have some swing time to lull him into nap mode while I worked out next to him. I threw in a DVD I had used only one section of and we will get into this in the next paragraph. I got myself ready to take Drew to the Doctor. And realized I was hungry and it was lunchtime. Hours passed and I hadn't torn through the cupboards. Yay victory 1. Victory 2 is I modified one of my favorite go-to lunches. Inside I am still a kid at heart. Spaghetti O's are still one of my favorite lunches. Easy, comforting, and filling. My old version is I would cut up two turkey dogs and throw in a bowl with the Spaghetti O's, tore up two slices of cheese and hid them through the dish. And then I would toast two pieces of bread, butter the slices and then scoop up the O's with the toast. I confess I am a scooper with bread and a dipper with sauces. The problem with this, is those two things add a LOT of calories and rarely serve a true purpose. So I modified my dish a little. No bread. Saved at least 200 Calories. Cut out one turkey dog. Good bye 45 calories (they're pretty lean). And no cheese added. This one was the hardest. I would love to find my melted globs and how the cheese pulls. bye bye 160 Calories. I did add the one turkey dog as mentioned and a couple of mushrooms (I love fresh mushrooms, cooked, raw, bella, white, shiitaki, Bring it!). I pulled out a little fruit and yogurt, but after eating my Os I was stuffed even after cutting 400 calories and back to the fridge went the yogurt and the fruit (though I am about to pull them back out for a midnight snack - baby kiwi, they're so cute!). Wow nine times eating this meal I will save myself from a gaining a pound. That's scary. And what's worse I didn't even really notice the missing calories. The mushrooms were so much more filling than the bread. And though the cheese glops were missed it wasn't like I was going without. And victory 3 - Arriving home from the doctor appt. was close to the time I would arrive back home after work. And if you caught an earlier blog of mine you know this is a dangerous snack time zone for me. Yes I was hungry and yes I wanted something quick. So I grabbed some nuts. Big handful of nuts. More than a serving size. But stopped no combing back through the cupboard. My snack crave was met and I was satisfied. I didn't rack with guilt I wasn't overly stuffed. But satisfied. YAY! Baby steps can conquer a mile. Back to the DVD. This was no basic for beginner's. No modified edition. I used a DVD that is for resistance band work but there was a bonus of Cardio Pilates. Sounded perfect. Oh no, this lady was ready to work out and I was ill prepared. This was no "movement" this was a full on workout. Five minutes in and I am POURING sweat. Any other DVD I can recall there are "informational breaks" as they explain the exercise and the purpose. Oh no rest for the wicked with Miss Ana. She started out with a hundred jumps of different positioning. I did about 16 and felt proud. This is a lot of poundage to put up in the air all together at one time. By jump 15 my calves said, or I should say, Screamed, "Nope" this ain't working for us. And jump 16 I wasn't even having half of the air lift off. So I nodded my consent and modified the jumps to my abilities. She pumped her knees I marched proud and strong. Her counts just blended right into each other. Even Drew had a panicked O on his face from his swing. I don't know if it was the redness of my face or the ragged breath. But as I am trying to time my breath I also am cooing mommy's okay. Just swan diving and bridging. Swan diving is belly flopping rocking and probably one of the few things that I somewhat completed. I might re visit this DVD a little more down the journey and will be able to reminisce how far I've come. Another thought during this DVD. I don't breathe correctly. My breaths are ill timed and don't match my movement. Now yes I realize if you are in better shape and exercise frequently you build up your lung capacity. But I usually breathe the opposite natural. My movement doesn't the breath. This echoed throughout my thoughts today. Because of my weight I have tried to control my breath for so long in my life. If you can't hear me wheezing you won't dismiss my breath because of my laziness and weight. I have climbed many of stairs and tried to control my pace so that I look "normal" because if I wanted to breathe evenly I am a turtle slithering up those steps. But then I again am dismissed for my weight. So I grin and bear it, try to slide the sweat off my brow indiscriminately like you don't see me use my sleeve to wipe my face. And I suck in my breath even though my lungs are on fire. And today is the first time I realized I literally have allowed my weight to steal my breath. Letting my image dictate my needs. Oxygen isn't a luxury, not a privilege, it is necessary for survival. And I don't take what I need when I need because I am uncomfortable with how a stranger perceives it? Uff da! Not cool, and not right. It's time for me to reclaim my life by reclaiming my oxygen. Step by step, day by day I am going to relearn the rhythms of breathing. What's natural vs. what's forced. May your HealthFULL Journey help you Fully Understand Life by Living by breathing and feeling. 'Til we meet again. . .

The Final Hour

Oh this was a close one to pull out my fifteen minutes of movement. I went for a bike ride, on the Wii that is. And with my directional illiteracy I got lost on the game. I worked out for 31 minutes and twenty four was on a bike ride(Expert course) that I only gathered 9 flags when I am suppose to collect 20. I really was trying to finish but I drove off the cliff three times in a row within forty five seconds. And sometimes there is just a moment to throw in the towel. The third nosedive was my breaking point. I enjoy moving with Wii Fitness, it's kind of cheesy(which I like :) , they tried to throw in some variety so that you have a reason to come back for more, and it makes me laugh. For instance a doggy followed me on part of the route and when I nosedived and I was sent back to my last flag and a different doggy was waiting to follow me. There was a moment I reminisced my frustration on an electronic footing. Who remembers the Nintendo Power PAD??? Oh that's right I raced the great cheetah and it was a hit or miss for me. I could soar through all the other characters but that quick cheetah was one fast cat. I have never been a runner. Even from a young age races did not come easy, and distance? Forget about it. I don't know if I lacked motivation, talent, or am just uncoordinated. Even in dreams where I am being chased most likely I will just stop and suffer the consequences, anything to stop the running. And yet I watch the joggers downtown where I work and they look so motivated and at peace. I have always secretly yearned that maybe deep down I am a runner. I have a goal of running a mile in under seven minutes forty five seconds. Now, I really can't recall running a mile under ten minutes in my lifetime. But this time isn't picked randomly. Back in high school I played volleyball as a ninth grader and we trained with the varsity and jv teams. To make varsity you had to be able to run under seven minutes forty five seconds because that was a sign of good health. True this was a sign of good health for teenagers. But there is a part of me that thinks just maybe with the right training. I really can do that and once again that will be a mental victory I can't even imagine. It might shut up the old critic that nags at my thoughts once and for all (or least put a sock in it for a long while :) So that is a future goal. Heck a mile under ten would most likely make me cry. But that means losing weight and getting coordinated and hopefully if I keep my focus on this HealthFULL Journey that is exactly what will happen. The food victory was small but a start. It was a long day at the office and though we had a meal plan in place I just wasn't prepared to stand on my feet and away from my baby boy. So I called up my hubby and told him I was willing to pick up some To Go Food. Not quite fast food, so that's a start. I didn't gorge when I came home from work. It helped that dinner was ready to go. I had a choice of two sides and normally I would pick mashed potatoes especially loaded mashed potatoes. They are such a comfort food, definitely in my top five. (Rounded out by poached eggs the way my mom does with torn up toast my staple when sick, thank goodness hubby has learned how to make them:), Pizza (who doesn't list pizza in their top five comforts), Chinese (a craving, my rebellion food when out on my own, and just yumminess painted by romantic scenes in tv and movies of eating out of the take out containers) and last pasta (a big plate smothered in sauce...ooooh yum). And Cheese doesn't count as a comfort food for me because it is a staple. I don't even count it. Which needs to change. But those are my "home-warming" meals. So the victory was not to reach out for comfort of thick loaded mashed taters but to actually peruse my options. I chose seasonal vegetables and black beans. I adored the black beans! The seasonal vegetables were okay (broccoli with carrot shreds). And though it wasn't the best options hands down, it also wasn't the worst and I am excited that I am looking for options and not settling for comfort and familiarity. This HealthFULL Journey is moving inward so that I can change my outward. May your journey allow you time to reminisce and then encourage you to move forward to see what else is left to discover and conquer. 'Til we meet again. . .

A Perfect TEN! ? ! ?

My food victory today was that I ate ten different vegetables and fruits today. Sound the trumpets, they were delicious and sorely needed. I planned, I followed through and thought I would feel the vitamins instantly energize and heal my ill nutrious ways. However, I never did feel that mineral adrenaline. I actually felt quite the opposite. I was doing so good, applauding myself and patting myself on the back for how good I was eating. And then the afterwork munchies hit. I couldn't be controlled. I am trying this week to avoid potato chips and ice cream. They are comfort snacks for me and I eat both almost daily. So far I am three days in and haven't caved. But that was the goal after work don't eat chips and avoid ice cream (and both are in the house). I even planned a filling snack late in the afternoon so when I get home I don't have to hit the kitchen. And yet after greeting my puppy and letting her out, a quick pet to my cat I was raiding the cupboards. I started with nuts, healthy, high in calories, but have some health benefits. And didn't eat the whole can. Excellent! If only I had stopped. But then I found a new granola bar we bought. So I had one after I convinced myself I don't know if I will want this at work if I don't know what this tastes like. And then onto some pretzel sticks. Seriously!!! I avoided the chips and ice cream but at such a cost. And what is horribly frustrating I don't even think I was hungry. Now it is very easy for me at this point to cancel out today. I messed up so I shouldn't even bother the rest of the day and hopefully start tomorrow. I do that with video games I like to try for perfect scores. But this isn't a game, this is my life and it is a journey. Sometimes I am going to love the path and really enjoy the scenery and there are going to be some tight spots that downright stink. So I reigned in my snacking (after a krispie treat and some banana chips). But done! So I have an eating fest but at least for the most part it was semi healthy. (considering some of my other snack fests - super healthy!). We had a delicious salad for dinner. I am talking about a gourmet big salad. Not just some lettuce, but with some berries, wasabi peas (for that spicy crunch) grilled chicken (gorgeously prepared by my hubby), some orange pepper, and some egg. So yummy!!! And filling! Today's fifteen minutes of movement almost killed me. It's getting late and I just want to go bed. And it is easy to excuse it well I'll double up tomorrow. Or I don't want to wake myself up. Is fifteen minutes going to physically change me. Most likely no. Can a series of fifteen minutes, I am counting on it. But the fifteen minutes of completion is such a mental thing for me. If I excuse it this early in my restart I hate to think how it could avalanche. So I grabbed some tension ropes and fought my way through that fifteen minutes and am proud that I even broke a little sweat. I did it. I didn't throw in the towel. Onwards and hopefully leanwards :) This HealthFULL Journey has some bumpy routes but I know the journey comes with so many rewards, it just is going to take some encouragement, some falls followed by some quick pick-ups, and laughter. May your HealthFULL Journey challenge you but also reward you:) 'Til we meet again :)

Here Wii Go Again

My son started my morning with a nap as his daddy and him had bonded over a bottle early this morning. Fantastic! Nothing gets me moving faster than my son's naps. It helps me an indecisive person make quick decisions and rank my priorities. It's like that game Hot Potato you never know when the music is going to stop. I need to move quickly because he could decide to take a twenty minute nap or an hour maybe if I am two (which is like gold , beautiful but very rare!) I decided to knock my fifteen minute workout early. I dusted off the Wii and got to work. My super friendly joking game informed me it had been two months and that he almost forgot me and then with a joking tone called me by the wrong name. Hardy har har. And then the scale informed me that I had gained six pounds in the last two months. Blech! (a little relief as I thought it Could have been worse, but certainly not great news either.) But onwards to better numbers!!! I took the age test and it ranked me 29 years old and I am 30 so that was kind of nice :) I got a full twenty-two minute workout (including Super Hula Hoop, Kung Fu, and Boxing) when I started to hear stirring from the monitor which was followed quickly by a scream resembling "Hey mom, I'm awake and ready for full attention. TEN HUT LADY!!!! :) But how wonderful any extra movement for the rest of the day is bonus. Today's food victory was a making a menu plan for the next two weeks. Might we have to deviate, possibly. But how freeing it is to have a plan with an entree and at least one veggie planned. This helps with shopping, stops that pointless conversation at night. What's for dinner? I don't know what do you want for dinner...and this conversation either continues several rounds but too often ends with a run to a carry-out/fast food establishment or picking up the phone for delivery. (And very few veggies enter our home this way. I'm not saying you can't get veggies, I'm saying we don't get veggies.) This also helps to focus on bringing healthy food into the house and less junk. I'm excited. It is so much easier for me to cook when I know ahead of time what we are eating. I say I because I rarely stray into the kitchen to actually fix a "real" meal. I truly am the queen of snacking if I wasn't married to such a fabulous man I would be living off of toast and cereal. Not that I don't like to cook. And obviously I love food. Occasionally I can create some tasty meals but I get overloaded when I am in the kitchen. Maybe, I don't make meals, I make feasts. When in the middle of preparation I don't think there is enough food and start adding and then in that middle of the new feast. I become overwhelmed. Being armed with a plan I can go into the kitchen prepare a simple meal (as there is no need to second guess as my husband and I have already agreed to these ideas) and get out. It may sound like I am entering a warzone because in a way I do view the kitchen as one. I have lost many battles in that room; temptation, chaos, guilt, shame, mania, gorgefests, and boredom. But no more, I now hope to view that room as the heart to our hearth where we find nutrition, celebration, adventure, and comfort. This HealthFULL Journey has many twists, turns, and revelations. I have been carrying so much armor to hide my weight. No probably a more truthful statement is that I have been wearing my weight as my armor. And this time on the journey I am starting to feel the chinks and hear the pops of the loosening joint. Hoping those sounds are the start to really letting go of this heavy burden. May you Fully Understand Life by Living and find your haven to retreat when time but also to find strength to move forward. 'Til we meet again.

Glistening

That's right y'all, I sweated today, not poured buckets but definitely broke the moisture barrier on my forehead. While my sweet lil' potato took a nap I popped in a Yoga DVD. We started with the "Basics". Have you ever followed/watched an exercise DVD, they hide the beginner's "trainer/example" in the back. So that you have to look past the trainer who is in perfect condition, who can do the exercises in their sleep and look flawless. While I am huffing, puffing, feeling a fool (even if it is in my living room, I hear the dog and the cat chuckling). I hurl insults and sarcastic remarks at the trainer and sometimes she responds accordingly and encouragingly but usually it feels like a personal mocking. But then you realize she started imperfectly (or at least you can tell yourself that) and that with practice (more than just the initial watching of the DVD that is guaranteed to change my life) can actually accomplish these poses. So I huffed and glistened my way through the whole DVD. I am fantastic at Mountain Pose! (For you non-yogis it means standing still and balanced). I enjoy the cat pose, it's freeing as you arch your back and stretch your neck. But downward dog is not my friend!!!! I even have a spiffy new Yoga Stretch band to ease my body into some of these yoga positions that my body cannot quite manipulate on it's own. This set has three DVDs (Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced). The Intermediate and the Advanced remain wrapped in their Cellophane (I have had this DVD set for 6+ years.) I have hopes of cracking into those upper DVDs after a few more sessions as a Beginner. Sometimes I try to do too much, prove to myself I am not that out of shape. It's like if I could complete the hardest pose than I am still in good shape with some extra meat on the bones. But it is just another way to live in denial. Because if it doesn't work, I put down the activity or remind myself that the person performing the activity was either born with an increased talent or has been practicing a decade plus. And has nothing to do with my out of shape self. I like to believe in the impossible but don't want to have to prove it or have it not proven because of my actions. It's how I end up stuck because if I move it proves or disproves my "fantasy", my ideas. I'd rather believe the dream then curse the reality. But without action the dream can never come true and the reality feels like I am stuck in a big ol' puddle of mud. But day by day I am trying to step out of the mud and get closer to the dream. Today's food victory may sound strange, but I didn't graze. And the true part of this victory is I was home all day. The days I spend in the house tends to be a permission for me to stuff my face all day long and the real kicker is without me even noticing. My worst time to graze is when I am preparing a meal. I literally had my lunch in the microwave heating up and I was digging through the cupboards to find what could I munch on while my food is heating up. I couldn't wait fifty five seconds to eat. How ridiculous is that? And it was like a lightbulb went off. My husband always/often jokes with me that we are about to eat. That fifteen minute warning churns my brain and triggers my appetite. I'm like Pavlov's dog on steroids. Food incoming, must eat IMMEDIATELY!!! I slammed the cupboard doors shut and told myself I can just wait. And once again I survived. It is becoming easier and easier to realize how some of these extra pounds might have arrived. And slowly I hope to find the sources of where I found my extra weight so that I can return the pounds with appreciation:) It's not easy to push oneself. But it is easier with my simple rules. Once I feel they are habits (3 - 6 weeks I have heard) I can start to concentrate on more specific terms. But these simple generalities have already had me save a pound's worth of calories (if not more) and I have "moved/exercised" an extra 105 minutes in the last three days. Baby steps out of the mud and hopefully one step closer to a dream coming true. This HealthFULL Journey is an interesting one, I can't wait to discover what more is awaiting on it. May your journey include some glistening and very little mud. 'Til we meet again. . .

Day 2 and not as gung ho as Day 1!

The weather was shining and another perfect day for a walk but I ignored the beauty as my stomach churned off the craving temptations. Do you have a vice? To not be outdone I have maybe a gazillion, but when you "NEED" so many items it is no longer a vice or even the delightful treat it is a tornado of bad news. I have a pretty good imagination and with a simple wiggle of a thought it can grip my entire body, salivating my tongue, filling my head with such enticing images that advertisers would hire me in an instant if they could see, a stomach churning and only the item of desire can stop it. Everything and anything else will taste like sawdust in comparison. I had two gripping my taste buds. Let's say a fish fella from Dickey M's and a Big Caramel Frappoo from Barstucks. I know some people would say, really? Who could crave that. I do , a lot! The Barstucks pick me up has became a Friday tradition for me. My way of patting myself on the back for ....completing the week? It's the adult version of chocolate milk after school/work in my opinion. I convince myself that I just "need" that little pick me up to have that extra burst of energy to get so much accomplished. But let's be honest. One I don't really savor the flavor because I am so thirsty and down it before my tastebuds are even awake. And two, a small black coffee is going to give me a bigger boost than the fatty cream and sweet sugar. But I am so good in my imagination that I trounce logic with my beauty shots of that icy foamy goodness. And why go small when for a dollar I can double the size. Bargain shopping and satisfying a craving - winner!!! And Dickey M's is another childhood memory. The salty, greasy bites with a little sweetness has filled my belly quite numerous times. But I don't stop at one sandwich...Oh no! I am a girl who likes variety, so I grab a burger (with cheese, because otherwise what's the point?), and my chicken buddies because than I can dip in sauce (I love sauce combos). And again then the bargain shopping is it cheaper to add a drink and fries, by making it a combo? No because you're spending more. But fries can easily be sneaked while driving and when they're hot and obviously I'm hungry I have ordered almost three meals. And then the drink is free so that is a waste even though I really want to Barstucks because they're beverage is so much more satisfying when the craving monster is lurking on the tongue and partying in the tummy. Writing this I am trying to keep a sense of humor. But yes I have ordered three sandwiches and ate them at one sitting while washing them down with a big soda. (Quite a bit at my heaviest, at least the stops have became almost rare). I also have stopped at two fast food chains for one meal for just myself. But here is the real downer. I have myself so hyped up to fulfill this craving than I bite into these yummy heavenly "snacks" and 99% of the time. The bite never meets the expectation. The food is cold, the tartar sauce is not a dollop but a sea of sauce overtaking the sandwich, the bun is stale, heaven forbid the sauce was forgotten or the order incomplete (isn't that awful!) and on and on. Now there is that one percent chance that the food really hits that perfect spot which builds credibility for the cravings. It's rare, it's like playing the lottery, you know the odds are horrible but yet there is that magic illusion that perfection could be reached and so you owe it to yourself to at least try. But here is the food victory...I didn't stop at either place. My craving went unaswered and here's the clincher, I survived. It turns out I really didn't NEED the fish fella nor the Big Caramel Frappoo, it turns out I just wanted them and I don't really know why. And for exercise of fifteen minutes. It took two hours to muster the energy and motivation to walk/dance around my house for fifteen minutes with my son (cardio and strength training - such a multi-tasker :) while watching tv. I didn't work up a downpour of sweat but I did increase my heart rate and it was an improvement over lounging in the recliner feeling guilty that I don't have enough time in my day to excercise/move for fifteen minutes (Notice I wrote that it took two hours to achieve motivation. Don't get me wrong I wasn't lounging those two full hours as I was getting household tasks done too.)It really is finding that push to move forward and step up my game. Fully Understand Life by Living isn't about always being super-excited to achieve maximum performance. Sometimes pushing through the mucky murky feelings is as good as it gets. But enough drags through the muck will reach that end result of treasured happiness, even if it is just the joy of being out of the muck. May the HealthFULL Journey have more joyful accomplishments but the satisfaction that sometimes getting through the muck is even more rewarding. 'Til we meet again. . .

Written Goals and Swirling Thoughts

Happy St. Patrick's Day all. I dressed in green, scratched a lottery ticket (but found no pot o Gold nor felt the Luck ;) and ate square pizza pieces. How was everyone else's day? Well I had a food victory as I actually ate five different veggies today (mushrooms, cauliflower, lettuce, onions, and sort of a fruit avocado). I have not been eating too many veggies/fruit today so it was good to actually get some "real" food in me today. I already feel stronger from the vitamins/minerals coursing through my system. I walked thirty two minutes. Maybe meandered is a better word but it was so much fun. We are having beautiful weather on this day o' green :) I pushed my little one in a stroller who was all smiles (he either was enjoying time with mommy, feeling the fresh air, or experiencing the sun. Perhaps all three.) My little extra bit of exercise not only got me fresh air but extra "quality" time with most of my family as my son was in his stroller and we were face to face and my hubby and I could share about our days and our dog was in sniff heaven. Our cat was enjoying some peace and solitude :) And for my son's smiles, hills aren't so bad. And obviously here I sit typing, so I am three for three on my daily goals. They are a little general at this time. But I feel accomplished and energized. I had no trouble giving my son his bath. Where sometimes after work that sounds like the world's roughest chore and I feel so disorganized, where's the soap? any extra washcloths? grab the cotton balls and the towel snuggler and it feels the list is neverending and I am running around with my head cut off. But after walk in the sunshine saying hello to a few neighbors, I felt like Mary Poppins singing as we gathered the "supplies" for bathtime. Funny how a simple adjustment can change the whole outlook. I have had a million ideas churning in my head on how to get back on track. But in my head the ideas are either easy to sweep away like cobwebs or too much, like a clown with twenty handkerchiefs tied together and it was like I wanted the twentieth scarf but didn't have time to dig out the other 19. So my ideas and goals swirled around and around in my head. Until yesterday it was like write a couple of simple things down. I can do three things. I can make the time to do three things. And by adding extra things to my schedule, it wasn't overwhelming, it eased everything else into place that needed to be done. May your HealthFULL Journey help you organize your priorities as well so that can you reap the blessings of actually doing the activities you want to do. Instead of feeling the guilt of doing a million things and still feeling behind. 'Til we meet again. . .

Half a Thought

Well yesterday's post wasn't completely finished but I guess God and Drew figured it was enough typing from me :) I saved the draft but couldn't figure out how to add, whatever! What the ending should have been is how I complete things half-way. How ironic! I am an ideas person and fear the ending. What if I fail? I am the type of person I would rather owe ya the money than cheat ya out of it. *wink wink* *nudge nudge* Seriously though I need to recommit to this journey and stop being sidetracked by life and more honestly myself. I need a structure as I have this need to please authority and boundaries and the such. But I need baby steps because when I go out with the guns ablazing I end up fizzling out. I need to finish this list but I am afraid if I don't write down my initial goals I will let them fade into the sunset yet another time. 1. I feel I have to blog everyday. This will help me begin to structure a routine. I don't think if it matters if I just write a sentence along the lines that today was not a good day. Another two motivators I hope will include the momentum to seek out opportunities to blog about something interesting (you know along the lines of reality tv. None of us want to watch people be really real and sit around the television every night so they create events and seek out unknown activities to peak other's interest. Nobody wants to read (or live!) a life of daily I accomplished nothing nor did I try to accomplish. How blah! And the main component to why this needs to become daily...I need accountability and to be truthful. It's hard to put on a cheery face and suck it up if I am writing daily. It is pretty easy to manipulate a journey if I blog sporadically. Even the mundane is interesting after a huge break. But it is when I am feeling down or stressed that I need to push through those challenges and continue the journey. When hiding away; it is easier to let time pass and me bury my head in the sand away from challenges. 2. Exercise at least an extra fifteen minutes daily. My goal is to one day get this up to an hour but baby steps. I can spare fifteen minutes extra in a day, a walk, stretching, steps, (even if it is three times in five minute spurts. ) I am trying to think realistically. At least an extra fifteen minutes a day gives me almost two hours a week. And right now that two hours hasn't happened. 3. A food victory daily. I need to get this more specific but for now I am looking for a daily win on the food front. Not finishing a bag of potato chips, defeating a craving by not picking up drive through. As I get myself going on the journey again I need to embrace food as fuel and a tool and stop using it as my crutch and security blanket. So that is my start. Please join me in Fully Understanding Life by Living. I really want my life moments to be FULL. I want my life to be FULL. I want to stop hiding, covering up, and pretending. It isn't going to be easy but it really is now. So here I embark on not a journey to be dabbled in when convenient but a journey to be embraced daily for a lifetime. God bless ya'll and may you find FULLness in every aspect of your life. 'Til we meet again. . .(like tomorrow! :)

It's Time

I am not the world's best timekeeper. I honestly have no concept of time. I tell my husband that I need twenty minutes to finish an assignment for school and an hour has passed and the finish is nowhere in sight. I can wake up two hours earlier than normal and still be late for work. I don't know the real reason but I have guesses. I like "moments". You know when you're watching a movie and the director has added that one look or that one touch that just makes you sigh out loud. Or in a book when you re-read a paragraph and nod that's exactly what the characters would/should do. I catch myself waiting for that perfect moment in my life to begin something, to complete something...to do almost anything. And you know what? Those "moments" don't happen because I was so desperate to time the perfect moment that I let it slip by unknown never feeling that confirmation of perfection. And once the "moment" is passed I feel like I am off the hook. Oh well, it would have been an amazing moment I'll just have to wait for that next opportunity. This makes me a dreamer, a quitter, a liar, and morbidly obese. (I hate that definition , it just makes it sound so...morbid ;)

A dreamer because I am always planning and fantasizing a life that isn't happening. A quitter because I give up the idea if the perfect details are not in place. A liar because I convince myself it's okay that I missed this chance, another chance will come again. And morbidly obese because I allow myself to become comfortable in waiting and not doing. I calm myself with these rationalizations, dreams, lies, fantasies, and allow myself to sit back. This healthfull journey has to be uncomfortable. Not because I love to be uncomfortable, but because comfort is something I know too well. I can't expect different results if I continue to live my same ol' comfortable life.

Oh I have excuses galore right now (I know them by heart as I repeat them daily, almost hourly). I just had a baby. I'm overtired. My schedule is jam packed. I am trying to do to much, I can't do it all. Yadda blah blah blah!

And who am I hurting? Me. I try to justify my actions but it is me who is missing out on my own life. It's me who doesn't want to take pictures with my son because of how I feel about how I look. It's me who at a restaurant calculates which is the better bet a booth where the table and seat may be too close or chairs that might not be so sturdy. It's me carrying what equals a teenager of extra weight or a Miss America. It's me that is missing fun because of the limitations I place on my weight and that I allow my weight to place on me.

The day the world changed (or at least mine did!)

It was a Wednesday, early November and I was done being in the hospital. I was done having an annoying IV in my arm. I was done being awaken every couple of hours. I was done writing down every sip of water I took and every visit to the little girl's room. I was done being cooped up in my little room. I was done preparing for a surgery that felt as it would never come. So I woke up November third around sixish am and awaited for the day to begin. I must confess I felt like a prisoner and wanted out. I woke up had my vitals checked (which had just happened two hours before) and had my finger pricked yet again to check my blood sugar. Praying that it would be normal range. I wasn't allowed to eat so if it was "too low" I would have to await an IV solution of sugar water because I had to be "stable" to travel down the hall to my morning ritual of an ultra sound. And if it was too high I got to be poked again with a needle ( I hate shots and was SO tired of feeling like a pin cushion) for insulin. But it was within the okay range. YAY. I then slid into my tweety bird slippers to take the three steps to where I would be weighed. So much fun! And then back to bed after a quick run to the little girl's room. Once back in bed I was in the time window to order my breakfast that could come within ten minutes up to two hours. I had to order then as I did not know when transport would come to pick me up nor when I would return and there was only a limited amount of time when orders were accepted. And then I just wait...and wait...Yay the wheelchair has arrived. Let's hit the halls. And away we go. As I did not have a true appointment I would be wheeled into the back entrance and left to sit and wait until the technician was available. There is this paranoid feeling that no one would see me and I would be forgotten. (Twice I waited for over ten minutes in the back lobby by myself. So I feel this was a justified feeling.) Now my description of this morning sounds bitter, because I was. I was hungry, exhausted, worried, frustrated, and felt trapped. My world was upside down in chaos and I did not have permission to correct it. Nothing felt as if it was in my control. My hubby and I had thought through his schedule and he had taken off three days in a row based on our conversations with our doctors upon our son's arrival. This was my first morning by myself after that nice stretch of having someone else "experience" this journey and it is a lot easier to handle as a team. Then being the character who must travel alone. I was wheeled back for my daily ultrasound and while gritting tears in my frustrated state I climbed upon the table to begin our morning ritual. They pour gel, cover me with a sheet, make small chat, push around wand on my tummy, and they say everything looks good or at least about the same as yesterday, Couple of pictures, will call transport, and the doctor will be in shortly to see you. Yadda yadda yadda. About a twelve minute drill. Ten minutes in we aren't really making small talk as that has faded. Actually the technician is squinting at her screen. She then asks me to flip all around the table (side, back, jiggle, other side, back) and she begins to wrinkle her brow and purse her lips muttering that my son still had a little more to show to "pass his daily test". Every other morning he had shown what they needed within five minutes. My frustration washed away as that cold drop of fear begins to travel through the veins. That my threatening tears spilled over and down my face. As I offered prayers of surrender and apology for working myself into an agitated state and begged to God Please just keep my son healthy. After thirty minutes of trying to catch my son's movements and breathing. I was whisked to a new room for what the called a non-stress test. The wrap a belly band around my stomach to measure my son's heartbeats and output of rhythms . The technician said the beeps were good. I didn't hear any. All sounds had drained away accept my own heartbeat in my ears and the wailing scream this isn't happening and the rushing whoosh of reassurance this is just precautions everything will be okay. For ten minutes those two thoughts swirled around my mind and followed up with I want my hubby. They then took my blood pressure and it was rising quickly and steadily from my morning checks. The technicians then moved me into another room. I still did not know what was going on. The doctor then came to see me. I liked this doctor he stopped the middle of the night blood sugar check/crashes. He reported that my 24 hour urine test from the day before showed a 250% increase of protein which wasn't good as I started at an already high level. My blood pressure numbers were continuing to rise. And my son was starting to show slight distress. He then said my surgery would be scheduled for early afternoon as soon as the doctor gets out of the delivery she is already handling. I stopped him and asked him to clarify, was I having my baby today? He nodded and responded that it was time. My womb was no longer considered the best place for my son to grow, flourish, and thrive. I was only twenty-nine weeks and my son's odds were viewed better in the world than what I could provide. The doctor stepped out and I called my husband. I went to the numb place and tried to not panic. My husband was caught off guard every day we had been prepped and prepared for this news. But you can only hear the same thing over and over so many times until you become a little indifferent. We knew the risks but felt it was only a mantra at this point as we had repeated this journey seven times over. But no fire drill, today was the real deal, the full boogie woogie. I was wheeled to my room and put immediately to bed as I waved good-bye to the breakfast I would never get to taste. I was strapped to the monitor to hear my son's strong healthy heartbeat. Probably to world's most reassuring sound especially that morning. I then was wisked to prepare for surgery. Surgery? Still seemed so foreign as the roughest procedures I had endured included shots and throat cultures. I was wrapped in bracelets, hooked up to medicines, and watched my family parade in and out the door. I wasn't scared. Iwasn't even nervous. Peaceful and numb (possibly the drugs, most likely the prayers). They wheeled me away after a final word and wave and wishes of good luck. Once again I was on my own. My husband had to wait until I was "ready". He stood in his house painter overall scrubs and prepared for the unknown. The team inflated my raft so I could move from one gurney to the operating table (brilliant invention and though it might be used for everyone it helps this heavy person feel supported and not abandoned) and helps ease everyone in this adrenaline high moment. The epidural was applied and we played announce where you feel the prickly. And then all of a sudden the room spun, I announced that it was spinning and all of sudden fell back. My blood pressure had been so high that it began to crash (the doctors had prepared me for this possibility). But do you know how weird it is to feel like you're falling when you are already lying down. Oxygen was whisked to my face and I had to struggle to keep conversation with the nurse. The team got me stable and then they sent for my hubby. I agreed that's a good idea as we need to get this puppy started. The team laughed and informed me that they had already started. Seriously? I could feel tugs at my stomach but felt it was like bandages or blankets being swirled around above me. My husband comes into the room panting as he was told to hurry and had ran the whole way. He might have been in the room for two minutes when we both heard it. The cry of a baby. Not any baby. Our son, it was official , we were parents. And though the cries sounded so far away it was the most beautiful clear sound in all the world. Our son already had doctors and nurses attending to him knowing he was born extremely premature. He came out hand first (yes you read that correctly) weighing 3 lbs. 11 oz. and 17 inches long . Gorgeous, head full of hair, and healthy. Praise God! I caught a glimpse as they wheeled him away to be attended to and they continued to put this Humpty Dumpty back together again. I had a horrible cough but was terrified of the repercussions. I announced my need to cough and sure enough a drill sergeant of a nurse told me to swallow it. Yes ma'am. No problem. The doctor finally gave me permission. My son was admitted to the NICU and was released after forty-four days. We both came out healthier than expected. I healed fairly well and quickly. My son conquered milestones left and right. I came face to face with a nightmare but was surprised by the results. Getting healthy means even more to me now. I was blessed with such gifts, a healthy son and the chance to see him grow but that means I need to once again embrace the HealthFULL Journey. So once again I seek out the trail that will help me to embrace my life FULLy and share it with those I am blessed to have in my life. It is time to re-evaluate goals, actions, the stepping stones, and how combined they all equal results. I invite you to Fully Understand Life by Living. I have only started this journey but let me tell you it will rock your world and everything you knew. But the view is amazing. Please join me in your own HealthFULL Journey. 'Til we meet again . . .

The Elephant Stomp to Wheelie Jaunts

Oh what a whirlwind has surrounded me as of late. The day after I wrote my last post in October my life went into turbo drive. The morning after my post my feet swelled to uncomfortable proportions. I entitled this the elephant stomp because that is what I felt like walking. Barely could I lift my feet off the ground and no longer did I have ankles. My feet were connected to my calves. No indent for an ankle. Now when you're pregnant a little swelling especially in the final trimester is pretty common. Feet that swell five times their normal size with no reduction at night (after sleeping with feet up) not a common occurrence. I ran late to work as I wobbled on my bubble feet, as each stomping step caused discomfort, and I could not find any shoes that would fit my feet. I ended up using flip flops in late October as they were the only things that I could slip on (and even they left an indentation on my feet). I arrived at work in pain as my feet continued to swell (yes they got even bigger) and I believe I was out of skin. I called my doctor to just ask if there was an opening for an appointment. No they were booked, no big deal, I am probably just being an over paranoid first time pregnant lady. And as I hobbled back to my cubicle I decided that even if I was being paranoid I should chat with a nurse. So I called back the doctor's office (I NEVER DO THIS!)No opening = no appointment and definitely no pestering. I chatted with the nurse and we agreed maybe I should stop by as soon as possible. I arrived at the doctor's and stepped on the scale. I had gained eleven pounds in two weeks, not a good sign. (and trust me that was not after enjoying three pizzas a day). Next strike my blood pressure was in the mid nineties as my BOTTOM number...oh that's not good. And my swelling could be pressed leaving an indent still after trying to put up my feet for four hours.....And we're out. I was put on bed rest immediately and for the remainder of my pregnancy (I was only twenty seven weeks along!!!) with the promise to be back in to check my progress in less than four days. I hobbled/stomped my wait out of the doctor's office to begin my mending as quickly as possible (after sharing the news with my family and work). I arrived for my quickie appointment to check my vitals and my doctor sat down. I gulped. This was too be just a nurse appointment to jot down my stats. So seeing a doctor at all was not a good sign. My doctor informed me that I was about to like her even less. (I had gained five pounds in four days...and blood pressure slight rise which means bed rest wasn't helping). I was to be admitted into the hospital overnight starting immediately. What?!?!?!? I have never even had stitches let alone a night over in the hospital. Oh this was not good at all!!!! How does one pack for an undetermined stay in the hospital? My doctor gave me false cheer that it might be for just a couple days. I think she understood my fear and figured this was the easiest way to lure me at least to the hospital. My other doctors' opinions did not agree that it was a short two maybe three night stay. I was admitted to the high risk floor (which should have been a clue that I would be in the hospital for awhile). I learned a few things quickly about myself. I do not like be to be limited (to bed, restricted diet, and that I am not nearly as much of a hermit as I once believed.) Also I am a horrible stick for IVs. Didn't know, because I had never had one. Only once out of six "attempts" was I able to get a sturdy IV on the first try. As I was on strict bed rest I was not able to leave my room without doctor orders and then transport was arranged when needed. This is when I got to travel by wheel chair for my daily ultra sounds to check on our baby boy and make sure he was thriving. After being admitted to the hospital it was confirmed that I had severe pre-eclampsia which is why I and my son required the daily check. My medical team was trying everything possible to keep my son in the womb for as long as possible as long as we were both healthy. Upon my first ultra sound it looked like we would deliver within as little as three days, hoping to get use of the steroids. My husband and I were on board for whatever we could do to delay our son's arrival. We have witnessed and been close to several families who were blessed with early miracles and realized and appreciated the significance of every day that we could delay his arrival. But if I am being honest I was getting antsy for his arrival as I was going stir crazy in my little hospital room. My days in the hospital started with a weighing, makes you just want to jump out of bed, right? (Although I did lose most of my pregnancy weight as I lost twenty-three pounds in nine days with very little movement, as you can tell I was carrying a LOT of water weight!) I then would order my breakfast but couldn't eat until I after my ultra-sound in case this would be the day I would have to deliver. I would wait for transport and then travel down the halls on my wheelie jaunts (the only time I left my hospital room except for one pre-approved wheelchair walk with my hubby on my eighth day in the hospital - I felt like the little piggy who squealed Wee Wee all the way home!) would have the ultra-sound check and then would go back to my room and finally get to eat breakfast. Then hang out in my room the rest of the day and have my stats checked every four hours (with quite a few visitors = thank you to all those who helped quicken the minutes). Then at midnight I would be cut off from all liquids and foods as I might be going into surgery the next morning I did this for nine days. By the ninth day I was ready to stage a coup. I was going home and was ready to fight the doctors as I felt my sanity was on the brink of major decline. However the doctors had other plans as I was informed that this would be the day the world would be meeting my son. I'll catch you up on his arrival and the journey aftermath that includes a happy ending. I am finally starting to feel as if I am just beginning to Fully Understand Life by Living. May 2011 challenge you and bless you. 'Til we meet again. . .

Starting the doctor whirlwind

Well it is late or really early depending on your perspective. My last blog update was to be a teaser as I have entered an exciting time in my life. I mentioned the doctor visit as I was beginning to take my health even more serious. It has been a roller coaster and a half. So though I was motivated to visit the doctor to include professionals there was a big reason on the timing that I scheduled a doctor visit late May 2010. I saw two blue lines.... Yup! I'm pregnant! And the world began to whirlwind. It has been so exciting and tiring and anxiety ridden and amazing. I have been to more doctor appointments in the last five months then in at least the last five years, possibly my lifetime. Sad I know but so true! I have to tell you I never thought I would get pregnant at this weight. Obviously my body was at its healthiest it has been in a long time. But I never could quite combine the healthy eating and the exercise together to get pound results. So I have embarked on this new kind of journey with extra baggage and as many of us know when we travel we always ask ourselves, why did I pack so much!!!! :) I have gained 14 pounds in twenty-seven weeks ( Though in the heart of honesty actually my last visit was at twenty-five weeks. So I gained 14 pounds in twenty-five weeks. But doing pretty good on not losing complete control. Though there are food tornado days in our household. Which also if you have been following my journey I saw a number I was not prepared to see ever again. The dreaded 300 but it will not be a part of my life for long. I do not have the doctor's permission to work on losing at this point for obvious reasons. Who ever thought I would have doctors telling me not to lose weight? That is definitely a new experience in my life :) Short-lived but different. So a big discovery in this journey has been a battle with diabetes. And it is complicated because that is how life works with me and the medical field. Because of my weight and some background history (family, medical, etc. I was a lucky contestant to take the glucose test early to determine gestational diabetes). I bombed. Not sort of failed with questionable numbers but doctors shocked that I was unaware of my condition. Now, here's where it gets complicated. I was unaware but it was too early to most likely be caused by the pregnancy. So a huge round of tests was ordered to determine how severe the diabetes was. . . Here's where things get interesting my tests included the blood labs (A1C, etc.), eye doctor visit, EKG (I know that is not the true spelling, but you get my point), 24 hour urine test, and possibly others. Ta-da, not really diabetic. At least not according to any of those tests or doctors. Most likely what happened is before the doctor appointment I was nervous and had a snack. I remember having a snack, I can't remember what I chose to eat. Possibly fruit, bagel, chips, granola bar, but something quick and could easily grab and stuff my face. Because I was unaware that I would be taking this glucose tolerance test and this was late in the day so I had eaten breakfast and lunch and snacks (which definitely included granola bars and crackers, both high in carbs.) With that combo effect I believe is why the test was skewed. So I have had the pleasure of stabbing myself in the finger four times a day. My day time numbers are great if not fantastic but my fastings overnight not so good. Again medical marvel me frustrates teams of doctors. What I can control my numbers look great my overnight not so much. As I have been in great care, my hubby and I look at this as a blessing in disguise. It has helped me keep my eating somewhat in check because I would have easily pampered myself with daily bowls of ice cream and heaping pastas (not that I don't indulge to keep things honest but it could have been craziness!) And though I believe the doctors have panicked from the get go. As we quickly added, discarded, and continued to add medication to "monitor" these crazy sugar numbers. As I sometimes complain to my dear spouse. If I was just me, just a patient, I would have been given several months to change my eating and exercise and would have seen good results. However, it isn't just me and they wanted to nip things in a bud and from that first appointment within two weeks was on insulin (before test results started flying back in). So I get to take my blood and inject myself and take pills ( I dread medicine but for the baby I'm trying). I believe after all of these months of trying I think we have finally cracked the code to even out my numbers. So this is a start in catching you up on the latest in my journey. Once again this HealthFULL Journey is FULL of surprises. This is the definitely the best, biggest, and most intense surprise, but exciting to see once you open up your world to possibilities what wonders await around the corner. I look forward to sharing more with you all, soon. May your HealthFULL journey help you Fully Understand Life by Living and delight you with wonders you could have never dreamed. "Til we meet again. . .

It has been awhile. . .

I know it has been awhile and it seems that I have deserted the journey but I actually am even more committed than ever. I tried doing a lot of this on my own (well with family and friends support) but without visiting the doctors. I am not a huge fan. I am not saying all doctors aren't professional or wise but let's just say I have had my share of quacks. Just to highlight some extreme (but now kind of funny) incidents to prove why I might have some misgivings. There was a time I visited a doctor and he came into the room sat down in a chair. Took off his shoes and started rubbing his own feet. You know what I am a working gal I get that your feet get tired. But then he started rattling off how rough a day he was having. As the patient don't I get to list my ailments first? I am just saying. . . There also have been numerous times I have been left in compromising positions as the doctor leaves to go grab one last thing. Hello! We are currently busy sir/ma'am , can your errand wait? I also visited a doctor for repeated headaches and he stuck a needle in my knee repeatedly. Now I am assuming this was an acupressure technique, but at no point did he warn me that he was going to stab me in the knee with a needle. And when I say needle I mean like a straight pin you use to hem your pants ( I say you because I am not gifted in the domestic skills like sewing :) I have had several cat scans for repeated headaches I used to experience all the time. There was one time the "nurse" (I am sorry I am unaware of what their official title was at that time) but she was injecting the iodine into my arm. Now I am blindly trusting this lady and not watching the injection. I am not the biggest fan of needles (I'll be honest I am kind of like a three year old freaking out). So I just look away, its best for everyone. But I take a quick gander when the lady explains "Oh, that's not good at all!" Kind of in a panic voice. Do you know why she is saying this? Because of injecting the iodine into my arm. She somehow has the needle stuck in my arm but there is iodine spilling all over over my arm. How can this happen you ask? Well she giggles (because this is so funny! As I am freaking out over the needle and about to have a cat scan) I forgot to correctly tighten the needle or cap it correctly. Hardy Har Har! What else, there was the chiropractor/massage therapist who said I was not properly aligned. Which is a usual statement from a chiropractor. But they didn't mean my spine. She explained that my upper half of my body was not residing within my body and it was like my upper half of my body was sitting about two feet away. Okay, enough said about that appointment. . . There was the time I visited an ER in Alaska because I had not been feeling well. I kept waking up with horrible ear pain that covered all of the inside of the ear and around the ear. As I explained to the doctor it is ALMOST like it switches ears as if it was traveling down a tube from one to the other. I was explaining what it felt like. Not what was happening. The doctor did the quick checks (nose, mouth, ears). Told me my symptom was impossible (which I had been having for over a month, almost daily). And after our oh so friendly three minute visit( not exaggerating!) I was charged ninety dollars before leaving the hospital. Well that was fun. . . Side note I visited another doctor in Alaska a little less than two months later and they thought I had the flu. I got back to ND. Turned out I probably had mono both those visits and it was never caught. (The second doctor one of my symptoms was that I was sleeping up to sixteen hours a day and still exhausted. . . hmmmm) But probably my favorite was the emergency room visit in Rochester. Now I appreciate a thorough history and that they want to keep me safe. But they asked three times, three times if the man who brought me in was abusing me. The man was my father. I was 24 years old at the time, married, and not living at home. We were in Rochester to support my mother who was having surgery at the time. Now I would also like to point out my symptoms were nothing related to bruising, bleeding, or injury of any kind, but that I was having a ridiculous fever where my eyelids were on fire. So let's deal with the fever and then worry if I am being abused (Not that I think domestic abuse is humorous in any sense and that for those they can help in the ER God bless them - but let's look at the facts people). After round three of my history we get to the good stuff, why I am here in the ER. I explain that I feel really hot, like eyes burning hot. Again the nurse chuckles because I am obviously Hi-lar-ious when I don't feel good. She takes my temp with her little smirk of expression "Well let's see how high your temperature is, shall we? " (I also must seem to have a quirk that makes doctors/nurses think I am lying about my symptoms). Well my temperature wiped that smirk off her face. She quickly fumbles with her paperwork and says I will see a doctor shortly. The temp was in Celsius degrees so I don't know exactly how high my temp was but I saw a shorthand sheet posted that translated Celsius - Fahrenheit degrees and my temperature wasn't even listed! The list went as high as 103.2 degrees Fahrenheit. So when I say my eyelids were on fire. I am not kidding! But then the fun really started. Because this was at my heaviest. Now I realize weight can affect a lot of things with illness, injuries, and diseases. But for all overweight people, our size doesn't have to do with EVERYTHING! Sometimes I feel that the weight is just an easy go-to for doctors and they overlook certain things. So the hospital staff gives me tylenol to drop the fever which it did and I finally broke the high temp. By the time the doctor comes in my clothes are soaked. Like wring me out soaked. The doctor does the check-up, discovers my viral infection in the lungs. We are doing great and then he was explaining how long to expect it to last and when it will clear up. Here is our conversation: Me (Suzy) : How long do I have to take the medicine? Dr. : As long as the infection lasts. Me: How long does that usually take? Dr. : Well, you're a ( and here it is the physical gesture that seals the deal - think of when people describe football players - hunch both shoulders raising them to their ears, lifting and dropping their shoulders three times, raise the fists as if fist bumping themselves, and pucker their lips with furrow brows) Big Girl! End of conversation! Ummm, Big Girl? That's not a timeline. Thank you, but that answered my question not at all. But it is always fun to feel awful and then have the doctor insult me verbally and physically with gestures. And also part of my earlier rant. My weight doesn't seem to have any determination on how medication or alcohol affect me as I am kind of lightweight with both. Because of my size people assume that I have a high tolerance. I do not for the record. Well I have ranted long enough... Now you see from my perspective why I might have delayed getting the doctors involved. In one of my next posts I will share where and who this journey has been leading me to see. I hope that in all of life's situations you see the humor. Maybe not in the moment (Although that is always more fun) but at least when you look back, even those stressful moments may they bring a chuckle, a chortle, or a smirk. 'Til we meet again. . .

Relay for Life

Wow time flies when you're ....keeping busy :) And TRYING to have fun!!! Spring semester wrapped and then here comes summer semester nipping at the heels. Although Life seems to being moving a little faster I don't want to overlook such a special event. Our church came together to form a Relay for life team. If you don't know about Relay for Life you have got to do your research. It is an incredible fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. When our team captain was enlisting volunteers. He asked a simple request. Please stand up if you or someone close to you has been diagnosed with Cancer. I would say 90 % of the congregation stood. This statistic probably doesn't shock many people. But still the visual and the sounds of the scuffling feet was pretty intense. My hubby and I have each had a parent diagnosed. Hearing that C-word is life changing. We are beyond fortunate and still celebrating holidays and daily blessings with our loved ones. Sadly we have witnessed to many of our friends have to say good-bye too early to their family members. This year we have had so many people close to us or their family members be diagnosed. It is such a tough call on how to react and offer support. We want to be there for them, but respect everyone has their own journey in reacting and accepting this new reality. With all of these experiences we both wanted to support this wonderful event. We signed up and began to raise funds. Our intention was to take Saturday completely off and attend the whole event which was May 14, 2010 starting at 7 pm until 7 am Saturday May 15, 2010. You know what they say about intentions :) We tried, we planned, and God laughed. We both ended up working both Friday and Saturday. To be of use at our jobs we decided that attending the whole event wasn't practical. We were trying to decide what would be most beneficial and where we get some rest. Well Thursday evening we received an email with a schedule of when people were planning to walk. With the Relay for Life they ask that you have someone from your team on the track the whole event. Therefore creating a relay team. And my understanding why American Cancer Society schedules these events overnight and up to twenty-four hours is as a reminder that cancer never sleeps. After we received our schedule we realized almost all the time-slots were filled with at least one name. But wait with close examination there was two hour window where no one was signed up to walk. 1 - 3 am! How did people let that time prize slip under their noses. So my fantastic hubby and I claimed the time quickly before others got wind that there was a need ;) I have to confess filling that time slot helped ease the guilt we would only be present for a small part of the relay. I mean come on, talk about dedication :) So after a quick nap on my part (10 - 11:30 pm and sadly this was not my first nap at this time this previous week. Long story but I had a 9 page paper due at 1:00 am and hadn't started by 7pm. But a quick snooze and the paper got handed in :) Ahh to be a college student once again pulling all nighters (with evening cat naps because as my brother has pointed out on more than one occasion that I am an OTAS - older than average student. Aren't siblings fantastic? At least when it comes to keeping us humble :) So.....after a quick nap we were ready to go at 12:15 am to drive to the local high school track. It was crazy to see the track and field full of bright lights. There were even some fundraisers still working at 1 in the morning. People giving hair cuts and waxing, right there on the field. But both my hubby and I pointed out, Would you go to someone that you didn't know and PAY for a haircut at 1 am? It would make me nervous, though that booth did fantastic throughout our time there. Also there was someone giving massages for bonus funds intended for the ACS. That massage sure looked tempting after our numerous laps around the track. It was a very cool experience to see the tents, the three am turn-out, and the joy and enthusiasm that everyone seemed to embody. There were many luminaries lighting the track, many covered with drawings, photographs, and inspirational words all in memory or in honor of these everyday heroes. I am so excited we were able to participate in this inspiring event. We laughed, we cried (or okay maybe it was just me who got teary-eyed reading some of the luminaries), and we walked. and walked and walked :) This was an incredible part of my HealthFULL Journey. Again the day didn't go according to plan, but was so much better. If you would like to contribute, please visit: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/SuzySullivan May your HealthFULL Journey lead you to unexpected blessings, for yourself and others. May everyday seem precious. And never overlook a moment to tell those who matter to you how much you care. 'Til we meet again. . .